Family Planning

No, not birth control, etc...  I mean literally planning with/for your family!  Do you?  Are you good at it?  Are you consistent?  Are your ideas popular?  Are your family plans successful? 

If you answered "no" to any of the above, please know that you are not alone...and keep reading!

The Number One rule to making plans for your family is this:
"I will not always get it right, but I will never stop trying."

Don't set yourself for a catastrophic heartbreak by automatically assuming that every family activity is going to be "Happy Days" and "Leave it to Beaver" rolled into one.  Sometimes, they're more "Three's Company" and "All in the Family"!  The question is not, will I succeed?  The question is, how can I make this as positive as possible?  And you must NEVER allow yourself to stop trying to add quality to your family by making plans...creating traditions!

The Number Two rule when planning for your family is this:
"I will do my best, even when I don't feel like it."

Being consistent is so important!  The moments we do NOT plan for our family or follow through on plans make more of an impact than the actual plans do at times.  And, more times than not, you'll feel like doing it after you've gotten involved.  I remember our kids used to want to play Candyland every Family Night.  This game can go on forever!  I was always tired and dreaded these evenings.  But most of the time, the evenings were quite enjoyable.  Sometimes they weren't.  During these times, I would inform my husband (privately, of course) that I wasn't "into it" and he would help move things along and kind of buffer the annoyances.  There were times when I thought, "Why are we even doing this?  Everyone's cranky and I just want to go to bed."  But now, looking back, I can see MANY reasons why following through, like it or not, was the right decision. 

Rule Number Three (and the final rule I'll share today) is this:
"All must be involved!"

This is a toughy.  Especially when there are such age differences in your children.  But it's not Family Night if someone is left out.  That's where you get creative.  Get your kids' input!  They have wonderful ideas and I know they're bursting to tell you what they want to do!  Your job is simply to do it!  It's hard at times, but always rewarding.  The reasons are great and many for doing this.  Family Night doesn't have a formal event.  It can just be 30 minutes of sitting in the floor playing with blocks!  (And this is something we've done with our kids being older!)

For one thing, it sets the expectation...the standard.  I was teased a bit by a friend because she knew that we had our Family Nights every week.  She said, "What makes it Family Night?  I mean, your kids are all so young, you're together every night anyway!"  She had a point.  How was this different than any other night of us being together?  Here are the three main reasons to institute Family Night (or whatever you wish to call it) once a week, no matter how old your children are or even if you do not HAVE children yet.

1.  The Standard
As I mentioned above, a standard is set in place when you deem a certain night to be set apart from other nights in the week.  Your discipline to do this now will instill the expectation in your children that this is simply the way it is.  When they are old enough to be out of the house, have their own plans, be "too cool" for board games, etc, they will automatically know that this night is non-negotiable.  "We've always done it."  "It's always been this way."  That's worth doing it now!  If you're starting later in the game, you will need to have a discussion with your children about how this is a no-joke, deal-breaker, too-bad-you're-doing night!

2.  The Message
My friend who pointed out that we were all together every night anyway was right....but also wrong.  Being in the same house does not mean being together.  Most often, we are all involved in different activities and in our own worlds.  Making the effort to put those worlds aside in order to do a joint activity sends the message to every family member that they are the most important thing in your life.  For my husband to cancel a meeting or step away from something important just to sit and put together a puzzle with us is HUGE.  Hearing my daughter tell her friend, "No, I can't that night.  It's Family Night at our house," is music to my ears!  This is a lifelong message that no future hurt will ever be able to take away.

3.  The Precious
My friends, it is the simple and sad truth that, at any moment, our precious loved ones can be taken from us.  Do not wait.  Start right now building a foundation of priorities and bonding that will comfort you and them later.  The memories begin right this minute.  Good or bad, you are creating memories RIGHT NOW.  Make the most of it!!

There are more reasons, but these are the top three.  I'll tell you some of the activities we've enjoyed:

Pirates!  One evening, the children and I dressed as pirates and "lay in wait" for Mark to get home from work.  As soon as he pulled in the drive, we accosted him and bound his hands (I took the laptop and briefcase for safety) and led him to our ship (the couch)!  We held him down and drew a mustache on him, put a bandanna on his head and then made him walk the plank (an imaginary place where one could fall on a pile of pillows).  Then, after all having a turn or two at the plank, we ate our meal....Fish Sticks of course!  This was done when the children were very small and most of our little pirates were in nothing but diapers and bandannas!

Another time we played "Restaurant". This is one of the kids' favorites.  I print up a menu of food choices (excellent for when you want to get rid of your leftovers) and a few drink choices (if you have something other than water...if not, just list water different ways.  Drinks:  Clear Wonder, Invisible Energy, or Water....see...it's ALL water!).  Anyway, we have music playing and Mark dances with all three of the kids while they wait to be seated...then they all order from the menu and we eat...we dress up, light candles, make the table pretty, etc...it's so easy and so fun!  (It offers you opportunities as well to teach table manners!!)

Once we had a talent show.  This was hilarious.  It was impromptu so no one had anything planned.  We simply said, do something!  And we all did.  You will be proud and amazed at your children's spontaneous talents!  When they were older, we each drew a family member's name from a hat and had to act out that person while everyone tried to guess who we were.  It's fun to see how your children portray you!

The point is, do something!  It is never too early.  It is never too late.  Your family is a gift to you and you have so many opportunities to give back to them.  Our next Family Night?  Thanksgiving, of course!  Happy Thanksgiving to all of you and my prayers for you to experience much in the way of family togetherness!

Dear Mrs. Unloved...

Dear, Mrs. Unloved~

I hesitate even to address this to you in that manner because none of us is unloved.  But it's your moniker of choice and I respect that.

Your letter, groomed and edited for discretion is as follows:

Dear Kim,

I'm writing this email to ask you about love in a marriage.  I've been married to my husband for twelve years and there are a lot of times that I feel like he doesn't love me.  I know he loves me when things are going good and I know he'd never leave me but sometimes if one of us is stressed or in a bad mood I can't feel any love at all.  I guess what I'm asking is is this normal?  Is it really a good marriage if sometimes there's no love?
Signed,
Unloved

My dear, first of all, YES.  Feeling love is going to be the come-and-go feature in your marriage for a lifetime.  The foundation of love never leaves, however.  You have the answer in your heart.  You said to me, "...I know he'd never leave me..."  That is confidence founded on a secure relationship.  That is love.  Love is sometimes invisible because we are looking for it to be a certain shape or color and it isn't any.  It is simply there.  But when all the lights in your marriage seem to be out, look deep into the dark without blinking and you'll find it.  Love will be that tiny candle of security burning with all it's might until the lights come back on.  It will be hard, but during these dry moments you mustn't look to your husband for any kind of emotional sustenance.  You must look to God.  God will fill you up.  And as the emotion of love comes back into your relationship with God, it will inevitably be present in your marriage as well.
I hope this has helped.  Please email me in a month or so and update me!
Love,
Kim

Modes of Mod and Modesty

This is not your average "girls-please-don't-wear-tight-skirts" blog post.  I think we are aware of what's modest and what is not.  If you are unaware, just ask someone over the age of 40 at your church to come go through your closet.  There.  Now, I'd like to talk about the misconception that wearing modest clothing means sacrificing style.  This is the opposite of truth.  (That means, it's a lie)  Modest fashion has a name...it's called "Classic."  Look at "Classic" styles throughout the ages and show me something immodest.  (Go ahead.  Google "Classic style fashion images".)  There may be a slightly lower-than-wished-for neckline, but nothing plunging.  There may be an above-the-knee dress, but nothing revealing.  Classy, classic styles are always in and most of the time appropriate for any and every occasion. 

I've also been told that daring personalities simply cannot always dress modestly because modesty is boring.  Really?  What is your style?  Bold?  Dramatic?  Colorful?  Make-a-Statement?  Welcome to this wonderful website I found...  http://www.littlenaturalcottage.com/bold-modesty-fall-fashions-that-defy-frump/  Modesty has nothing to do with personality...It is not only for the boring or the shy or the introverted.  Modesty is a statement of self-respect and standards.  It's been my experience that the most bold and strong of women are those with healthy self-respect and standards.  Having that personality and then dressing like a cougar or desperate bar-fly just nulls and voids all the hard work you've done in being as strong as you are! 

I want to plug the "retro" look for a moment as well.  Mod is not all mini-skirts and peasant blouses.  Check out some of the Rockabilly style sites and pick something amazing that you can be proud of yourself in. 

In summation, I am not against beautiful, caught-off-guard, in-your-face fashion!  I am against degrading yourself and believing that's pretty.

Respect yourself and demand that respect from others through your fashion sense!!

Dear Kim

And so it begins... 

I've been asked over and over again to start an advice column.  So here it is.  Go ahead...ask me something. 
Send questions/issues to:
onceuponahousewife@gmail.com
and I will post and answer accordingly.  There will be complete discretion and anonymity.  Your emails will not be seen by the public.  Your questions will be modified to protect your identity.  Posting the problem-and-answer helps so many others struggling with the same thing.

So....what's on your mind?

Mama Me-Uh...

Being a mom.  This is something I've wanted ever since I can remember.  I knew that being a mom meant hard work.  I knew there would be worrisome times and challenges.  But I didn't have a clue as to the details.  I'm starting to learn now...

Being a mom means determining between and the importance of...
a hurt/emergency cry and a playing/no worries cry.
too dirty to go to bed without a bath and we'll-scrub-you-in-the-morning
what constitutes a spanking offense versus a good talking to (versus a let-it-slide)
what Daddy needs to know.  ;)
when a situation calls for a trip to Sonic for ice cream
how to be tough when your heart is breaking inside
when to let it be worn, even though it's been worn twice already without being washed
praying with, for, and over the child
pushing through exhaustion you never knew existed
allowing credit to always go to the child, even though YOU'RE the one who REALLY did it
controlling the unbelievably strong urge to lash out in anger
when to laugh it off and when to settle down
knowing that there will eventually come a day when you can go to the bathroom by yourself again
letting your child cry in the middle of the super market with everyone staring at you because it's more important for the child to get it out of their system than to hush them for others' comfort.
the difference between grace and consequences
realizing that consistency with discipline is so much harder for you than for the child
continuing through illness, anger, hurt, and fear
sacrifice
sacrifice
sacrifice
love always.

It is my greatest honor to be a mom.  I do not do it well and on occasion do it miserably.  But that's the most important lesson of all.  I am the only mom they have.  I can only be the best mom I can be from day to day.

Okay? Okay.

I'm a student of human behavior and how the mind works.  I love watching television shows about serial killers and police investigations because it amazes me how differently the mind can work in different people.  I love researching brain functions and psychological findings for the same reason.  There are several things I've learned and am still learning.  One thing I'll share today is how I've discovered that, generally speaking, everyone wants to know that it's okay.  Whatever we think, feel, do, or want is okay.  It's the root of all insecurities.  We want to know that our opinion is okay.  We want to feel that our life-choices are okay.  We want our style of dress, our ambitions, our hair, our homes, our vehicles are okay....accepted....allowed....normal.

In light of this, we see every apology as a plea for the response, "It's okay."  When we tell someone, "I'm sorry," and they reply, "That's okay," don't we feel tons better?  I remember when I was very young I told a lie.  When I confessed it to my mother and said how sorry I was, she said, "Good."  I said, "But it's okay?"  She said, "No."  I said, "But I'm sorry!"  She said, "Good."  I said, "Mama!!  I'm sorry so now you tell me it's okay!"  She said, "Kimberly, nothing we say or do will ever make telling a lie okay.  Saying you're sorry, and I do believe you mean it, still does not erase the lie.  It does not make the lie okay.  You are okay.  You are forgiven and you are okay.  But I'm glad you're sorry for the lie."  This was huge to me!  Sometimes things are NOT okay!  This is something that has stayed with me my whole life.  Knowing that some things are never going to be okay has helped me in my focus to strive for those things that will ALWAYS be okay.  Light, goodness, hope, peace, love...

Is it okay to wear my hair as an orange Mohawk?  Yep.  That's okay.  Is it okay to walk out of my house naked?  Nope.  That's not okay (on so many levels!).  Being different is so okay.  Immodesty is never okay.  Media, Hollywood, those in the public eye (mainly the women) have made immodesty a statement of style.  Cleavage, thigh, etc...it's just "who they are".  It's okay because they are famous and beautiful and proud of their bodies.  Well, la-tee-da.  Immodesty is never okay.  I'm not talking about situational immodesty; giving birth requires a portion of immodesty, surgery, changing in the locker-room, and emergencies calling for ripped clothing, etc.  Even in these situations, however, there is no need to go beyond what is required.  What happened to decency?  Wearing a beautiful new swimsuit is so much fun.  Men do not get just what a new swimsuit, in just the right color, fitting just the right way can do for a woman.  We love it!  It is a high!  But if it is immodest, it's not okay.  Get my drift yet?

Sin is not okay.  Back to my lie.  White lies, lies of protection, lie by omission, lies of convenience... these are not okay.  But, this is somewhat universally recognized.  Let's get controversial.  Homosexuality is not okay.  Gay marriage is not okay.  Living a homosexual lifestyle, whether or not you are doing so monogamously, is not okay.  I wish it was.  God says it isn't and therefore it isn't.  Hear me.  Homosexuals are okay.  Homosexuality is not okay.  Confusing?  Remember what my mother said?  Nothing we say or do will ever make the lie okay....I am okay...the lie is not.  Homosexuals bear a cross I cannot fathom.  They command a strength of self-denial that goes beyond my mental grasp.  And yet, they are called to live without homosexuality.  This is not for us to understand or to judge.  In fact, we (the Church) should (in my opinion) be more outspoken about our desire to HELP them with this struggle!  If we saw someone single-handedly attempting to pull a three-ton boulder down the road, we'd offer our help.  How much easier it would be if thousands banded together to help move the boulder!  Do not leave them to pull it by themselves and for pete's sake, don't just stand their gaping at the fact that this is their lot. 

It's not okay to gossip.  This is one of my crosses.  I justify gossip in the name of "I'm just concerned...I need to share...this person needs prayers..."  You know what?  It's not okay.  No amount of good intention will ever make gossip okay.  It is not.  Ever.  Okay.  It is not okay to be the one speaking it NOR the one hearing it!  This is so hard for me!  I'm a talker.  I do not reveal secrets.  I do, however, share my experiences with people that are unfavorable.  I "vent".  "THEN she was so rude to me!"  Not okay.  "......unwholesome talk.....only that which lifts others up...."  Sound familiar?  I fail at this.  Daily.  It's accepted and even encouraged so much of the time.  I'm even told that it's okay!  But it's not.

It's not okay to have an extra-marital affair.  It's not okay to steal or cheat or hate.  It's not okay to treat your spouse in any way other than how Christ treats His church.  It's not okay to slander or kill or judge.

You know what IS okay?  Loving everyone even when what they are doing is not okay.  Loving and accepting are two VERY different things.  Understanding this is crucial to our society and our religion.

It's okay to have standards.  It's okay to love our GOD unapologetically!  It's not okay to judge or force our concepts on others.  "Oh," you say, "But, Kim, aren't you judging by telling us what is okay and not okay?"  No.  If it were up to me, my friends, it would ALL be okay.  I can justify ANYTHING!  I am a lover...it's been said, "Kim, if it were up to you, you'd just love everyone to Heaven."  Love is what I do.  This "okay" and "not okay" comes from God.  We are given a guideline.  Read what He has to say and live by it.  It is simple.  The "gray" areas are created by us. 

I have lost friends.  I may lose more today.  And as Mark and I are trying to teach our children, losing friends is okay.  Compromising God's Word is not okay.  Okay doesn't mean easy or happy or preferred.  In fact, so much of "okay" is hard and requires much sacrifice.

Please just remember.  Ours is not to seek "okay".  Ours is to glorify God.  That is ALWAYS okay.
Okay?