Confessions of a Middle-Aged Housewife

I just want to spill...

Sometimes, instead of folding the mountain of laundry that just keeps getting bigger, I stuff it into trash bags and then stuff the trash bags in closets or under beds until I am no longer overwhelmed and can get to them, one bag at a time.

Sometimes, I don't want to listen to my kids read to me or talk to me or recap their favorite television shows. On those occasions, I "listen" by looking at them, smiling, and completely tuning them out. However, there are times when I can't even do that so I just tell them to stop talking.

Sometimes, I wish I was sick with a raging fever and disgusting vomit just so I have an excuse to go to bed undisturbed for a few days.

Sometimes, I wake up on Sunday morning and wish I didn't have to go to church. I want to sleep late and have no obligations just one day in the week!

Sometimes, I buy a few luxury food-items at the grocery store that I love and then hide them from the rest of the family so I can have them all to myself. If anyone sees me eating one of these treats and they want a bite, I'm not even nice about saying, "Nope. This is Mommy's."

Sometimes, I pretend to be going to the bathroom so I can have an excuse to be in a room alone with the door locked for five consecutive minutes. Sometimes, I even take one of those luxury treats in there with me. And a book. And sometimes also a pillow.

Sometimes, I want a nap so bad that I tell the seven year old to watch the four and three year olds while I lay down for awhile.

Sometimes, I tell people I will pray for them and then totally forget until days later. And sometimes, even then, I put it on the 'back burner'.

Sometimes, I cry for no reason. Sometimes, I laugh for no reason. Sometimes, I wish everyone would leave me alone. Sometimes, I wish my husband would pay more attention to me. Sometimes, I wish I had more money.

Sometimes, I'm actually content.

Aaaaah. I feel better!

Freedom in Things Unseen

When I started blogging, I actually considered my audience. I would picture what some of my friends would say or do in response to what I'd written. I'd try to predict some of my family's comments. After awhile I realized that no one read my blog. The comments were very few and most of the time there were no comments at all. So, in time, I forgot there was an audience at all.

I just wrote to write. I'd write about my illness...bloating, gas, no sex-drive. Who cares? No one's gonna read it anyway! I wrote about my frustration as a mom... just needing a break from the whiny little critters every once in awhile!!! I wrote about my past... boo-hoo, I was made fun of, laughed at, called names. Not like anyone FROM my past was going to read it anyway, right?

I would write about my Spiritual struggles. Why not? Does anyone from church even have my blog site address? Nah. I wrote about having a nervous breakdown and chopping off my hair; I even posted pictures! Woo-Hoo! I was just going crazy with the freedom of writing whatever I wanted with no worries!

And then it started happening. In Bible class, "Kim, I read your blog last night. Really good." Really good? Oh, crud. What did I write last night? Did I mention how I sometimes have to FORCE myself to read my Bible? AAAH! Now she knows!

At the grocery store, "Hey, Girl! Checked out your blog...interesting!" Interesting? In a good way? Oh, no...did I write about how annoyed I get with people...including her?! OH, NO!!!!

At Maggie's school, "Kim, your blog is pretty gutsy. Wow." Yeah, I knew I'd hear about it from HER. Well, I didn't think I actually posted that one but...there it is.

At Mark's office, "Kim, I keep up with your blog. What are you going to write today?" Today? Well, I won't be writing about how I wish Mark's job didn't take him out of town so much!! YIKES!!

So...in response to this realization...this revelation...people actually read my blog...what did I do? DELETE!! DELETE!! DELETE!!

I used to whine that no one commented on my posts. Whaaaaa! I must not be a good writer. Boohooo! Then I went out on planet-stupid with my posts. Now, I'm back in the "consider your audience" stage.

And I love it. :) Thanks for reading. Don't stop. I may forget you're there again and talk about that person at the doctor's office who smells like licorice an pizza. Or about how I was secretly glad when our dog died because I was too tired to take care of her anymore. Or how sometimes, I just lay on the couch all day wondering what it would be like to be one of those 600 pound shut-ins who get waited on hand-and-fat-foot.

You just never know...

The Differences

Why is it so hard to keep up with a blog? I always promise I'll stay faithful to writing...and then I don't. So, I promise again...and then I don't. ARGH!

Part of it is the fact that I don't feel like I have a lot to say. Shocking, right? But it's true. Think about it. My days are so alike. I could write what I did one day; then for the next day, just copy and paste from the day before. At least, that's what I imagine. Actually, there are little differences here and there...and I'm determined to log those differences and find meaning in them!

Today...well, I argued with Maggie about the importance of brushing her hair...again. I know, I know, she just brushed it yesterday! I'm so mean for making this an everyday chore! What else....I let the boys dress themselves even though I knew we'd be out in public later. It's okay to wear your clothes backwards...at least they're decent!

Oh, here's something different! Mark came home for lunch today. That almost never happens. Although I didn't clue in on this being a major moment for our day, I think it was. If I'd been alone at lunch today, I would've been tempted to not eat. Mark's been encouraging me to eat three whole meals a day but it's hard to do when I'm so tired all the time. However, because he came home, I ate. And because I ate, I had a burst of energy in the afternoon just when I needed it.

Another difference was a visit from a dear friend. Sharon came over today and brought treasures for all of us. She's so thoughtful. For the children, she brought colors (is there anything better than brand new crayons?!) and sticker books. For us, she brought three different flavors of truffles....yum!! She pampers me. A visit from her is a balm for the bored and weary soul.

I saw another sweet friend when picking Maggie up from school. We haven't seen each other in ages and just to hug her and see her smile was worth the effort of maneuvering through after-school traffic.

So, when someone asks me what I did today, I think I'll clue in on the differences instead of the "oh, the same old thing" attitude. Yes, I got up, started the laundry, started the dishwasher, folded clothes, caught up on email, played on facebook, went to the Chiropractor, picked Maggie up from school, helped her with her homework, bathed the kids, helped them with their chores, made supper and then crashed in the living room with the remaining laundry needing to be folded. Just like every other day.

Oh. But there was one more difference. I recommitted to being faithful to my blog. And I really will this time!