Therapy...Hide and Seek

We all have what's jokingly called guilty pleasures. Those things we like that may be considered a tad bit embarrassing. For example, I like to read books and watch movies about vampires. In fact, I'm currently watching the entire series of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." I'm currently reading one of the Twisted Fairy Tales called "Sleeping Beauty, Vampire Slayer." You know those French Fried Onions you put on top of casseroles? I can sit and eat an entire bag as if they were potato chips. I like Eminem. I enjoy "My Little Pony." Sometimes I dance to New Kids on the Block, Bel Biv Devoe, En Vogue, and MC Hammer. See what I'm talking about? What leads us to these preferences? Our likes and dislikes are formed throughout our lives according to experiences, personality, and upbringing. The same is true of the decisions we make. I have made some pretty poor decisions in my life. In fact, there are chunks of my life that I wish had never happened. I still struggle with self-forgiveness and mortification at the memories. Yesterday in therapy, M.T. and I discussed the process that leads us to our desires. I take full responsibility for the decisions I made. I made them with eyes wide open. But what has bothered me more than anything is the desire to begin with. What kind of person, raised in God, knowledgable of consequences, even gets herself into the situation where she must make these decisions? I was seeking. Do any of you know what I'm talking about? I was as lacking something (and didn't know it) and therefore desperate to find it. Looking back, was there anything you wanted badly enough to enter in to wretched mistakes in order to find? Acceptance, love, popularity, authority, adrenaline rush, beauty, safety, pleasure, approval... I'm sure, being human, you can relate, even on the smallest scale. Well, come with me and we'll discover the motivation behind the desire to gain this elusive thing and why we looked for it where did. And why it was so seldom found where We looked. This is the next leg of my journey in therapy. It is heavy, intimate, sensitive, and raw. I will be sharing things you may not want to know about me. But if even one of you can gain peace from my shared truths, it's worth stripping bare my inner-most yuckiness; after all, God knows every detail. Therefore, what use is hiding? I do find encouragement from your feedback and stories from your own lives. What I took away that I want to share is that there is no condemnation; there is only understanding, healing, and peace.

Back to Therapy...Family Reunion

This summer has been so busy and it's been hard to find a time for my therapy sessions. I do make therapy a priority, but when I'm out of town most of the time, therapy is just not possible. The kids and I have tagged along with Mark as he's gone to talk to prospective students in different states. I usually have a few days between trips to do laundry, detox from junk food, and repack before heading on the road again. However, this time I actually had a week at home! I contacted M.T. and we made an appointment! Yesterday was the perfect day for a session. Quick recap. Remember what brought me to therapy to begin with? I was abused by a relative when I was a child; I thought I'd dealt with it; I grew up with this family member around here and there; I forgave him, moved on with my life, made terrible decisions, grew up, got married, had kids; then an article written in the local magazine triggered memories I was unaware I'd blocked. The past came crashing down on me like the perverbial anvil and life as I knew it stopped. Thus.....therapy. For the first time in 38 years, I made the decision to not attend our family reunion. This relative also attends the reunion and every year, I'd spent a weekend with him, watching him hug, laugh, visit and play. I truly had forgiven him, but I resented him. I had/have a hard time with the way things played out. So, like I said, with the encouragement and support of my husband and close friends, who were watching me fall apart, I decided not to take part in that weekend any longer. This is the weekend. Relatives from all over the country are now, this very minute, gathering in a campground...reuniting, catching up, sharing stories, laughing, snapping pictures, playing games... I'm the youngest of 42 first cousins. You can imagine how large this gathering is. We are a close family and value this weekend very highly. And I'm not there. I have anticipated and dreaded this special weekend every year of my life and I'm a tad angry about that. I don't like that the weekend created for the joy and strengthening of our family's bond has been so tainted for me. Anyway, that's why yesterday was perfect timing for a therapy session. What did I take away from therapy that I want to share with you? It's okay. It's okay to feel this resentment. I'm taking steps toward peace. I'm validated. M.T. believes in me. I no longer have the terror inside of me that somehow this darkness will remain inside me forever. And I am free this weekend. I had to sacrifice seeing dear and loved ones, new babies, old friends, and a lifelong tradition in order to gain this freedom and that is the hard part. The easy part? I am NOT spending this weekend watching my kids like a hawk for their safety. I am NOT spending this weekend with my skin crawling from unwelcome hugs. I am NOT spending this seeking being witness to children running and playing around this certain relative. Instead, I am spending the weekend safe, secure and in the sanctuary of my God, my husband, and my children. For those of you who've suffered hurt and injury from a relative, free yourself. Do not put yourself in their presence any longer. You can do it! Even when other family members give you dirty looks and have nasty reactions (been there!), you can do it!