Luke, Little Rock, and Prayers

Mark was out of town.  Of course.  Isn't it always that way?  I was sick Wednesday and Thursday.  Of course.  And Friday, today, I loaded up the kids, picked up printed out directions from Mark's office (Thank you, Paula!), drove to my friend's office to borrow her GPS (Thank you, Kim!) and then we were on our way.  Well, I hadn't slept but a few hours the night before (nerves and still didn't feel well and Mark was gone) so I drove through McD's and got coffee.  THEN we were on our way.  Luke had a very important appointment with a doctor in Little Rock who specializes in testing, rating and assessing children in order to diagnose anything from Autism to ADD.  I was a nervous wreck.

We've had three appointments with a therapist here in Searcy and have felt pretty good so far with the progress we've seen.  Luke is smart.  He's creative and funny and handsome and sweet.  And he has more moments of uncertainty and sadness than joy every single day.  He is constantly worried about not being good enough (smart enough, cute enough, sweet enough, etc...).  He is concerned that he is letting everyone down and he vocalizes his anger at letting himself down more times than I count during each day.  Mark and I have exhausted our resources and have, through much prayer and support, begun to reach out into the possibility of medical answers.  (And again, I must give credit to Kathryn for putting us on this trail)

Luke's therapist has told us that, yes Luke is precious and smart, and he has a terrible habit of negative self-talk.  She assured us that, after her observations, she knows this has not come from us or any negative environment.  He has initiated this himself and most-likely it was born of high expectations for himself.  Luke is a perfectionist.  I'm not talking OCD.  I'm not talking fear of failure.  I'm talking about truly believing that he is stupid and has no talent.  It is very frustrating to see him correct mistakes in a math text book, spell seven-syllable words, write a children's book within 30 minutes (complete with illustrations), and study French and then hear him wailing that he's so dumb because he lost a video game....that he is the worst brother in the world....that he is worthless.  :(

Today's appointment was all about putting a measurement in place.  We need to know exactly what we are dealing with.  I've avoided tests and assessments because I don't like labels or putting a person in a box.  My brother was put in a box very early on in school by short-minded teachers who were either lazy, ignorant, or both and he began to believe he wasn't smart.  He can build computers from trashed parts and reprogram your iphone to sing to you without you realizing he even had it in his hand.  He's gifted.  And I could single-handedly take to task each of the idiots who trampled all over his genius as a child.  So...I have never wanted to have Luke's iq tested.  What if he was having an "off" day and scored low (or what some consider low) and lived his life believing what that number said??  I'm terrified of that.  I so often struggle with trusting God.

I have always known that I'm a monkey-mom.  (This is a mother who believes her child is beautiful but really the child looks like a monkey)  I have always known that I see my children as the best, brightest, bla bla bla...I actually believe EVERY mother should be a monkey-mom.  But at the same time, I'm an honest mom.  I have always believed in keeping things in the Light, facing things head-on, owning the truth of who we are and doing our best to glorify God no matter what that truth is.  So, I've lived with the belief that Luke's gifted...but I haven't been ready to actually learn the truth and meet it head-on.  Until this negative self-talk began stealing my son's joy.  Have I mentioned that I'm also a mama-bear?  Don't steal my child's joy.  Big mistake.

So.  We parked the Jeep and eventually got to the door of the office of this doctor in Little Rock.  I won't keep you in suspense.  She's wonderful.  We love her.  We felt at home with her right away.  And she proved her credentials in a very short time.  She also fell in love with Luke (see?  Monkey-mom) so she had me with no strings.

She and I talked for an hour and a half.  Not coffee-talk.  She drilled me.  She asked me about Luke, beginning with conception.  I'm not kidding.  It felt good to just talk about my child without worrying that I sounded like I was bragging.  What mama doesn't enjoy talking about her child?  She took feverish notes the whole time.  I cried while I confessed that Mark and I are at a loss as to how to help our son.  "I've been told over and over that he's super smart...but I don't even care anymore about that!  I just want him happy!"  She assured me she was going to test his i.q. but then also test everything else.  Social, cognitive, mental, emotional, etc...

And she did.  And Luke had a meltdown.  And then it was just the doctor and me in the office again.  (She had a great playroom for the kids)  She said, "That poor baby.  He's depressed."  I said, "I know!  He's so sad!"  She said, "No, I mean I'm diagnosing him.  He's chemically depressed."  I started crying.  Because I know that chemical depression is genetic.  I've given this to my child.  She smiled (while passing me the tissues again) and said, "This is good news.  Chemical depression is fixable.  We have great medications."  We talked about this for a bit and then she said, "Have I even told you about his tests?" 

She said, "I cannot call your son a genius."  Deflation.  Then disappointment in myself for being deflated.  She continued, "I was taught that the meaning of the word "genius" is having a high intellectual capacity in a certain subject.  Your son has a high intellectual capacity in every subject.  So I'd call him gifted.  Your son his scary-smart.  And he didn't finish his test.  He had his meltdown before we completed it so I only have a partial reading.  From that reading, I can tell you without a doubt he is in the 99 percentile of his age in every subject.  This means that if we lined up 100 children, he'd be smarter than 99 of them."

Wow.

"But," she continued (and did I just hear that other shoe drop?) "Until we get his depression taken care of, he will not be able to do anything with his gift.  He is frozen.  This poor baby has no joy."  She talked to me about his abilities...it blew my mind.  She began telling me about a special school in Colorado that only takes the smartest of the smart and how they would love to have him.  I was quite overwhelmed.  The heartbreak of it all is this depression. 

So, we are on the road to medication.  It takes a bit of red tape and doctor's signatures before the pill actually goes down the hatch, but we've started the process and believe that within a month's time, we will have a different child on our hands (in a good way). 

I am humbled.  I am relieved.  I am exhausted.  I am going out in a few minutes to buy pizza.  Mark just flew in.  We leave tomorrow for a vacation with Mark's family in Iowa.  My cup runneth over.  In fact, my life is blessed more than I have the capacity to grasp or express. 

Thanks for tagging along on this journey.  To be continued....

Storming the Castle

It's here!  The second book in the Hero's Guide series!  Woo-Hoo!  What else?  Well, along with the ones listed last time, I'm back into both the Hannah Swenson series (by Joann Fluke) and the Charlotte LaRue series (by Barbara Colley).  These are mysteries.  They are what I called "mild" mysteries.  Little cursing (don't think there's ANY in the LaRue series) and little sex and have yet to run into homosexuality, or blatant blasphemy.  And yet, they're still good!  Ha!

The plus of both of these mysteries is what I call the extras.  Extras include anything I can learn that I can apply to my own daily life.  Anything that makes me feel more positive than negative after reading it.  Also, both books always end "right".  Know what I mean?

Hannah Swenson (the main character in Joann Fluke's mysteries) is a baker.  She owns her own Cookie Shop and includes no less than (and often many more than) ten recipes per book.  I've tried some of them and they've all passed with thumbs up!  Reading these books inspire me to bake and get creative in the kitchen.  I like that.  It's a positive feeling while reading.  Nice. (First book in the series is "Chocolate Chip Cookie Murder".)

Charlotte LaRue (the main character in Barbara Colley's mysteries) is a maid.  In fact, she's a grandmother who owns her own housecleaning business.  Not only does reading this book inspire me to clean, it includes GREAT housecleaning tips!!  Putting lemon-scented oil on your ceiling fans so the house smells clean every time you run them...genius.  Even the order in which she cleans has added to my housecleaning experience.  (First book in the series is "Maid for Murder".)

With the Charlotte books, there's another extra.  She's a Christian.  No, this isn't "Christian Fiction".  You won't find it in the "Inspirational" section.  But it is...Christian fiction and inspiring.  She is so REAL...she's always chastising herself for her negative thoughts.    She also committed a sin in her past that she will never forget.  It's encouraging to read about a character who struggles with the same things I do.  And, even though she's a grandmother and a maid, there's some romance involved...nice, sweet, clean romance. 

Well, that does it for this week's book-talk.  What are you reading?

Watch Out!

Hello, Dear Friends.  Today's view into Mommy Land has us battling the censors.  TV-7, TV-PG, TV-7-FV...what does it mean?!  What does it mean for our children? 

I grew up watching Super Friends, Smurfs, etc...

 

I was none the worse for it, but they weren't really educational.  I mean, yes, I received a moral lesson about being kind to others and good wins over evil and anvils fall on bad guys' heads, but no math or English or science.  Still, I never dreamed that one day, I'd have to sift through cartoons to see what was appropriate or not for my children.  "Cartoons" should be 'nough said.  It's a cartoon...it's safe, right?  Not anymore!  Good grief.

On the other hand, we have much more educational shows now so watching the old picture-box isn't as mind-numbing as it was when I was a child.  This is great news for those of us busy moms who feel guilty sitting the child in front of the television so we can get something done! 

But how do we know?!  Sometimes, there's yuckiness in the middle of the innocent.  For example, we were watching Power Puff Girls the other night and there was a flash of a naked man on there.  Granted, it was a behind-view, but gross.  It was intended to be funny, but where do you draw the line?  Is it really funny to see a naked man?  No.  Not to just pick on the Power Puff Girls, but the very next episode shows a grown woman (amply built) giving romance advice to the girls and using her hands to emphasize her breasts in telling them to "use what they have" to get what they want.  Really?  This is what it's come to?  Bring back the anvils on heads please!

 

There was a moment where Mark and I looked at each other and raised an eyebrow.  When the show was over, we sent the kids to play and talked about it.  We decided that, although our kids probably didn't even pick up on it, we didn't want them watching it anymore.  Too harsh?  Well, here's the question that decided it for us, "Would we invite Jesus to sit and watch this with us?"  Um...nope.

 

Now, being a grown-up (for the most part), I enjoy mysteries...creepy, dark, horrifying, and thrilling.  I like them.  They are often inappropriate.  Please do not think that I only censor for my children and not for myself.  I've done a "house-cleaning" job with my selections lately and at first was quite discouraged.  I thought, "I love mysteries!  How can I enjoy them WITHOUT the dark-ick?!"  They're out there.  There are some really entertaining shows and books that capture my intellect without harming my spirit.

 

I challenge you to become what I've been teasingly called by my mama-friends...a "T.V. Nazi".  I wear that banner proudly and feel no guilt in telling my kids no to watching things "all their friends" are watching.  The peace you feel is wonderful.  The message you send your children is this, "I value your soul more than your friendship.  You do not have to like me, but in obeying me, you will find a smoother road to purity."  I love my kids enough to deny them certain things.  I know you do too!

 

 

 

 

 

 



Being Invisible

Are you a parent?  I am.  I'm a mama.  I can only speak from a mama's perspective but I think it may apply to many positions.  I'm taken for granted on a daily basis.  Sometimes on an hourly basis.  Clean dishes, clean sheets, clean clothes.  Food is always available.  Soap is ready for your bath.  Your broken toys become fixed miraculously, your books get returned to library, you have everything you need for school.  Your boo-boos are bandaged, your thirst is quenched, your every whim is anticipated. 

Now, I do discipline and train and make aware.  But for this post, I'm zeroing in on the "invisible" mama.  In fact, you know what?  I can't say it better than Nicole Johnson. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YU0aNAHXP0

She is right on.  I sometimes need to watch this and be reminded of who I am and WHY I am.  Please read Esther 4:14.  That last sentence is golden!  Go be who you are!

Loving My Sighs and Not My Size

It's started.  The exercising.  One year ago I had to stop running because my body went into a kind of breakdown.  (See The Common Volcano)  I thought I'd get back to it within a few months but didn't.  Here we are, back to it, and ugh!  It's tough!  I'll be honest (you KNOW I'll be honest), I am more interested in cute exercise outfits than actually exercising.  But, they don't look very cute on a fat body.  Gross.  Spandex plus cellulite equals please-avert-your-eyes.  So, while I'm glad I can still fold my body into my exercise clothes and zip them without too much moaning, I'm still loathe to actually get outside and move.

I recently spent a little over a week in Iowa with my in-laws.  There's a treadmill downstairs and I have to walk by it coming and going to my bedroom.  It mocked me the entire time I was there.  I reasoned that I'd forgotten to pack my tennis-shoes and therefore couldn't run on it!  But it just laughed at me anyway.  I thought maybe I'd bring them with me next time I visited.  That reminded me that the next visit would be July 4th.  And I wouldn't be the only one visiting.  My beautifully sculpted in-laws would (almost) all be descending onto the property looking thin and radiant and disciplined.  I don't want to be the fat one!!!!! 

I am endlessly envious of my niece Caroline Pruitt's figure.  She curves in all the right places and cinches up in all the right places...she's my ideal shape and I must admit to just sitting and staring at her (not in a creepy way...just in admiration).  My niece Elizabeth Pruitt has probably the most self-discipline out of all of us.  She is also the thinnest.  There's no way I will ever reach her size.  That's a little discouraging because I'd really like to borrow some of her clothes!  Ha!  She and Caroline are not, by far, the only healthy beauties.  All of them are trim and proper. 

I do not compare myself to anyone under the age of 18. I also cannot compare myself to anyone who has less children than me (Naam and Shao Li, you will always be thinner and in better shape than me!!  Asian beauty is not something I even hope to acquire!).  I thought about using the excuse of being a mother of three, but Jan Pruitt is a mother of FOUR and is about a SIZE four.  And my youngest is six years old.  Can't blame my flab on him anymore.

So, yesterday morning, I started out.  I walked one street and ran the next, alternating like that for just one lap (or block...three blocks is one mile).  Now this is piddly for most of you.  But, like my husband always says, "low and slow is the way to go".  Today, I alternated for two laps.  It wasn't awful.  I couldn't feel my legs half-way through my last running stretch.  How then do I know I was running?  Well, my fat was shaking so I'm pretty sure I was more-than-walking.  Tomorrow I will hit the pavement for three laps.  A mile!  Tomorrow, in my white running pants and turquoise-and-white Adidas shirt, I will be in continuous motion for an entire mile. 

I cannot allow myself to think how I used to run two or three miles before daylight in the mornings.  I cannot think that I used to wear a size 8 and actually buy clothes in the Jr. section.  I cannot think that there are ice cream sandwiches in the freezer right now.  I must celebrate the moment.

Celebrate with me, People! 

Summer Books for 2013

Sorry I'm late getting this out.  Here are my recommendations for books to read this summer...

I'll lay down the rules again for those of you just joining the gang.  I give a book 3 strikes before deciding it's worth a read.  These can include any of the following: excessive cursing (if it's a children's or family book, ANY cursing is an automatic strike), explicit sex scenes (again, kids' books should have NO sex), blatant blaspheming of God (as an acceptable option...I realize there are villains in books and I allow for that), the bad guy wins (this is never okay.  realism I get...and it's real that the good guy wins, so I will not recommend anyone investing time in anything that ends on a negative note), etc...  There are other "strike-able" offenses, but I think you get my drift.

The categories in my review are as follows:

Three Strikes: do not read this book
Two Strikes: still worth a read
One Strike: still worth a read
Read Out loud to Your Family
Read After Dark: Creepy and Goose-bumpy
Read With Your Spouse: Not for children/definitely for adults
Sweetest Series
Most Romantic Character
Scariest Villain
Funniest Character
Most Heroic Character
Best True-to-Life Character
Character I relate most to
Home run in each genre
Grand Slam: Overall best book

Three Strikes goes to Janet Evanovich.  I know, I know, she's a best seller.  I get it.  I couldn't get through the first Stephanie Plum book ("One for the Money") because of my own personal experiences.  Maybe someday I'll be able to get through the first chapter.  Maybe.

Two Strikes:  The Ghost Hunter series by Victoria Laurie (the first is "What's a Ghoul to Do?").  There's cursing (no "f" word though).  There's also blatant support for homosexuality which I get enough of in real life and don't necessarily want to read about it.  Otherwise, these books are good.  Starring M.J. Holliday, a psychic-medium who has made it her mission to help grounded spirits (ghosts) cross over, be it to the "good place" or the "bad place".  I'm currently on book 4 and, if I've liked them well enough to read three of them, they get at least one thumbs up.

One Strike:  "The Spindlers" by Lauren Oliver.  The creep-level in this book is off the charts.  I'm talking iiiiicky!  The reason this is a strike is because it's a children's book.  I couldn't get through it.  I hate spiders.  There's nothing in it that devalues life or anything.  It's just too weird and creepy for kids.

Read Out Loud to the Family:  "The Hero's Guide to Saving Your Kingdom" by Christopher Healy.  This book is uproarious!  It has a rare blend of humor that satisfies all ages and all interests.  The book gives an intimate look at the "Princes Charming" from favorite fairy tales.  You get up close and personal with Cinderella, Snow White, Briar Rose, and more but they are, for once, NOT the stars of the show!

Read After Dark: Carol O'Connell's Mallory series (first one is "Mallory's Oracle").  It doesn't get grittier than these mysteries.  The cast of characters are all believable and the plot is deliciously dark.

Read With Your Spouse:  The Mark of the Lion series by Francine Rivers.  This an "inspirational" book (meaning it was written by a Christian with the intent to inspire Christ-like living).  These three books will blow you away.  Wish I had three thumbs for this one!!

Sweetest Series:  "The Darling Dahlias" by  Susan Wittig Albert.  Set in the 1930's, these ladies bring the small town of Darling, Alabama to life.  They get into all manner of scrapes but are stronger than they think.  The first is "The Darling Dahlias and the Cucumber Tree" and your library will have it.  You'll smile all the way through it and have a hankering for the simple-life when you're done.

Most Romantic Character:  This is a toughy.  Romance could be dramatic, funny, safe, etc... I'm going to say that Marcus from "A Voice in the Wind" (the first in the Mark of the Lion series) is most romantic overall.  He definitely has to overcome many struggles to find out what love is.  Read it!!

Scariest Villain:  Hmm...I haven't read too many spine-tingling villain books lately.  None of the books I've gone through recently have any bad guys that leave me haunted after I'm done.  I'm going to reserve the right to come back to this one later.

Funniest Character.  Good grief.  It's, hands down, Duncan from "Hero's Guide".  This guy is so funny!  Christopher Healy did an amazing job with this character and I can't wait for the second book to come out!

Most Heroic Character:  Hadassah from the Mark of the Lion series.  I know I don't usually choose a girl for Most Heroic but...read it and you're sure to agree.  She is off the charts from any hero I've read before.

Most True-to-Life Character:  Lucy Stone from the Lucy Stone Mysteries by Leslie Meier (the first is "Mistletoe Murder").  She is so frank and candid.  I'm just getting into these but so far (with only one strike for cursing) she's pretty real.

Most Related to: Lucy Stone again.  She's happily married with three kids and so overwhelmed with stuff all the time.  Sound like anyone you know?

Home run for Mysteries:  The Daisy Dalrymple series by Carola Dunn.  They're the ultimate English Cozy.  Recommended for bubble-bath and candle lights, followed by pajamas and popcorn.

"The Hero's Guide to Saving Your Kingdom" by Christopher Healy.  This is absolutely, hands down, without any doubt, the winner of my Grand Slam Book Review!  This book literally has it ALL!  Family-worthy, yes!  Laugh out loud, yes!  Keeps your interest, yes!  NO STRIKES!  I challenge you to read this and find something negative to say (but don't say it to me).  This book has me salivating for the next in the series!!!!!!!  Gold Star, Christopher Healy!!!

Enjoy your summer reading!

Luke

So many have been asking about Monday's appointment and I apologize for taking so long to report on it!  Let me just say right away, it was anti-climactic, to say the least.  It was a good and productive meeting, but not the eye-opening, AHA, kind of appointment I'd been anticipating.  Mark and I got in the Jeep to drive away, kids in the backseat hungry and tired, and both looked at each other with the same expression, "Did we just accomplish anything here or was this a total waste of time and money?"

Back up three hours.

Mark, the three kids, and I were all high-energy and high spirits as we pulled into the driveway of the log home/office.  We knew we weren't seeing the doctor.  We'd be seeing his assistant who is also a very capable therapist.  After filling out a booklet of paperwork (took an hour to fill out), we sat and waited for a long half-hour until finally it was our turn.  Mark, Luke and I left Maggie and Phoenix in the waiting area (supplied with colors, paper, electronic games, and snacks) and headed back to the inner sanctum.

We spent the next hour and a half wringing out every pertinent memory we had of Luke's struggles and pouring them all at the therapist's feet.  She was calm and validating.  She was encouraging and reassuring.  At the end of the "session" (during half of which we sent Luke out to be with his siblings), Mark and I were exhausted and honestly felt we were due some kind of answer, remedy, help of any sort.  We got a "go ahead" to set up an appointment to speak with the doctor. 

Three hours of sharing intimate details, insecurities about our son, as of yet unspoken fears, and admissions of anxiety, we felt like we'd been up a mountain and back with little to show for it. 

So, as we drove away, the kids were hungry, Mark needed to get back to the office, I was tired and frustrated, and I looked back to see if Luke was any worse for wear.  He was smiling.  He was joking with his brother.  He was acting silly and laughing.  He was happy!

Mark and I talked in vague phrases and low volume and decided it was a more productive meeting than we'd originally perceived it be.  In fact, I found that Mark hadn't found it as anti-climactic as I had. 

I still needed a stress-release.  So, after dropping Mark off, I drove through McDonald's, ordered grease with extra calories and headed for the park.  Picnicking and playing did the trick.  My head was a bit clearer two hours later.

Here's what we came away with (that I didn't know we came away with but discovered later):
First of all, just the fact that we listened to Luke when he said he had a yucky feeling inside him and we were/are willing to do something about it has given Luke a sense of peace.  He is feeling a bit more secure.
Secondly, a piece of advice we received from the therapist was to simply treat Luke as would our other two kids.  See, I haven't been doing this.  I didn't realize just how bad it had gotten, but it was bad enough.  I was scared.  If Maggie or Phoenix got upset about something, we'd work through it.  If they continued to whine and fuss about it, I'd nip it in the bud.  If Luke continues to whine about something we'd dealt with, I panicked a little.  I felt this sense of doom and gloom because I recognize that Luke is different.  His fears go deeper than other kids' and his anxiety levels are more dramatic than most adults'.  I felt unequipped to comfort him sufficiently.  And he felt that. 

Remember when you were a kid...and there was a big storm?  You'd run to your parents.  If they were calm about it and unafraid, you were instantly calmed.  If you saw that your parents were scared, you freaked out.  Right?

Well, Luke senses that he's different.  He senses that I know that and am afraid.  He doesn't know that my fears derive from the passion I feel toward helping and protecting my son.  He just knows that something about him scares me...and that scares him.  Mark has always treated him the same.  I've noticed that Mark has more success with him during his meltdowns, but I never understood why, until now.

So, I've stopped.  I have spoken to him and treated him like I do the other two for two days now.  You now what?  MAJOR change in this child.  It is unbelievable. 

God is good.  We are blessed.  And we are well on our way to learning how to be whatever it is this amazing child needs us to be.  Our next appointment is in two weeks.  Pray!    (Kathryn, thank you.  I know this is what you were trying to tell me)