I used to say I can't help how I feel. In fact, I still say that sometimes. I wonder though if it's completely true. Lately I've struggled with memories. You know the ones I mean...the ones where I remember a very bad decision I made and wish I could go back and make the right one.
My life is so wonderful now and I don't know that going back and changing my decisions would change the outcome of where I've landed or not, but it would delete the bad memory. I do this every once in awhile. I start obsessing over why I made such bad choices. Why couldn't I have been stronger, smarter, wiser, better? Was it worth it? No. Why did I think it would be?
These bad memories start bombarding my thoughts and I begin to feel myself hunkering down behind the mental fort of funk in hopes of protection against the onslaught of memory-arrows. I shouldn't have ever gone out with that guy. I should never have accepted that drink. I don't know why I became friends with that girl. Did I really think seeing that movie was a good idea? How could I have spoken to my parents that way? Was dropping out of college ever, in any way, a good plan? Did I even know the difference between fun and stupid? When did I ever believe laws were optional?
Good grief.
Like I said, I do this every once in awhile. I get into a funk and it takes prayer and encouragement to climb back out of it. So I don't want to get into it again. Isn't that what grace is for? So I don't have to wear that burden anymore? I made horrible choices and suffered the consequences and now I am clean...forgiven...pure. Because God is able to forgive so completely as to make all these things disappear from my record, I am all good now. If I'm all good, why do I still dive into that funk?
The other day, it began. I heard from an old friend...an old partner in "crime" from my dumber days. Man, we had fun together; and it was great getting in touch again. But, with the good memories came the bad. And I found myself spending the better part of an hour reliving those stupid choices in my mind and trying to reconfigure them so that I could imagine what it would've been like if I'd made good choices.
I caught myself. Rather, God hit me on the head. This will lead to unnecessary funk!! Stop. Just stop. Smile. You're not there anymore. It's done. You have more stupid mistakes to look forward to. Why obsess over the old ones?
The funk was held at bay and I immediately felt a burst of energy. No funk. Only relief that God had pulled me out of every single idiotic spot I'd gotten myself into and placed me instead in such a beautiful bed of roses.
Now, although it's still a battle, I intend to turn every potentially funk-bringing moment into a moment of gratitude. I'm sure y'all have this figured out already. I mean, I usually am the last to catch onto things. But, I just thought I'd share that I've arrived. At least for today.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Progress Report
Hello, Bloggers! Time for an update into Project Skinny. This is the hardest time I've ever had losing weight. But then again, I ain't no spring chicken. Metabolism used to be a non-issue...and now it's my arch enemy. So how am I doing?
I'm down two more pounds! Yay, Me! It's not my ideal pace, but it's a loss and not a gain so I'll take it!
I've been working out on the elliptical. I know that's the biggest body-changer. But I've started changing my eating habits as well. THIS is the tough part for me. I like to taste good food. I love to eat yummy food whether I'm hungry or not. I could easily plan an event, vacation, party, etc around food. Food is by far the number one deal-breaker when deciding to attend a function. Will there be food? No? Think I'll stay home. I. Like. Food.
This morning I had a Weight Watchers yogurt for breakfast. Now, I'm not "doing" Weight Watchers, but I know they have a good thing going and so I thought it couldn't hurt to tip into the plan every once in awhile. I usually either skip breakfast, or have Ramen noodles. Stop it! I can feel you judging me!
For lunch, I had breaded chicken breast over Parmesan pasta. Yes, yes, I know. This is not "diet" food. However, it's miles better than the chips, Twix, and Diet Dr. Pepper I usually have. Baby steps here, People!
And, here's a tip...it really does make a difference what you're wearing when you weigh. Between the first weigh-in this morning (while wearing my heavy terry-cloth robe and a terry-cloth towel on my wet head) and my second weigh-in this morning (naked and dry) there was a six pound difference. SIX POUNDS!
So...onward, my Soon-to-be-Skinny Friends. Ounce by ounce, you and I are going to be stunning by summer!
I'm down two more pounds! Yay, Me! It's not my ideal pace, but it's a loss and not a gain so I'll take it!
I've been working out on the elliptical. I know that's the biggest body-changer. But I've started changing my eating habits as well. THIS is the tough part for me. I like to taste good food. I love to eat yummy food whether I'm hungry or not. I could easily plan an event, vacation, party, etc around food. Food is by far the number one deal-breaker when deciding to attend a function. Will there be food? No? Think I'll stay home. I. Like. Food.
This morning I had a Weight Watchers yogurt for breakfast. Now, I'm not "doing" Weight Watchers, but I know they have a good thing going and so I thought it couldn't hurt to tip into the plan every once in awhile. I usually either skip breakfast, or have Ramen noodles. Stop it! I can feel you judging me!
For lunch, I had breaded chicken breast over Parmesan pasta. Yes, yes, I know. This is not "diet" food. However, it's miles better than the chips, Twix, and Diet Dr. Pepper I usually have. Baby steps here, People!
And, here's a tip...it really does make a difference what you're wearing when you weigh. Between the first weigh-in this morning (while wearing my heavy terry-cloth robe and a terry-cloth towel on my wet head) and my second weigh-in this morning (naked and dry) there was a six pound difference. SIX POUNDS!
So...onward, my Soon-to-be-Skinny Friends. Ounce by ounce, you and I are going to be stunning by summer!
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Amidst Beauty
Sunday morning, I had the honor of attending church service at the Searcy Healthcare Center. Mark leads singing there sometimes and I wanted the children and myself to go and experience relationships with the elderly. When we entered, we had to dis-alarm the door. The residents are not prisoners, but without the door locked and alarmed they may "escape". There are those who will simply leave because there is a door open.
The room we entered was already filling up with residents and a few of their family members. Wheelchairs and folding chairs were our pews and the foyer was our sanctuary. I looked around at all the residents. Some were sitting quietly, just waiting to begin. Some were talking loudly and enjoying the social gathering as if it was a big party. Some were staring in what seemed to be a vacant not-quite-there appearance. All were dressed up. Lipstick, jewelry, bows in hair, ties, cologne, and glitter. This was obviously a time during the week that held great honor amongst the residents.
The boys fit perfectly on a loveseat near the front, but there was no seat for Maggie (my grown-up seven-year-old). She didn't look twice. There was an empty chair between two elderly ladies (one in a wheelchair) and Maggie simply went up to both the ladies and asked if she could sit there.
The ladies were ecstatic. Maggie reached over to touch the purple, velvet sleeve of the wheelchaired woman on her left (who can resist purple velvet?). The woman smiled and reached over in turn to feel Maggie's bare arm. They both nodded approvingly, as if sharing a private moment only they understood.
The woman on Maggie's right had a cold and was sniffing. Maggie too had been sneezing a bit (it's allergy season here) so when Mark handed Maggie a handful of tissue, she immediately gave one to the sniffing woman. The woman grinned and thanked her. They were kindred at once.
When Mark got up to lead singing there was a mixed response. He'd purposely picked golden oldies to lead...those with a slow enough pace so as not to leave anyone behind. Many sang with no trouble; some sang at the top of their lungs with no inhibitions, and one woman in the back (the one I'd assumed was vacant) clapped her hands the entire time Mark was singing.
You'd think this would be a distraction from worship. Quite the opposite. It was in fact a purification of the worship service. I looked at each tender, wrinkled face and noticed three things in common with each one.
First, no one used the book they'd been given. They knew the words and sang with no fumbling.
Second, there was no looking from side to side. The residents sang only to God. They cared not that the person next to them was off-key or sniffing or shaking or fidgeting.
Lastly, these precious people were all smiling. All of them. These songs must've been so beautiful to God.
I convinced myself that, if I closed my eyes, I could hear a perfect harmony among the cacophony of voices. I believe the angels couldn't help themselves from joining in.
When the sermon began, it was just as interesting as the singing had been. The residents had eyes only for the speaker and actually answered his questions. "I mean, what's the one thing we've always wanted, ever since we were little kids?" (the answer here was "approval" or "affirmation"). A strong voice from somewhere in the middle yelled, "TOYS!" :)
During the taking of the Lord's Supper, I saw the breaking of the bread as Jesus surely meant it to be. Those who shook uncontrollably were helped by their neighbors. Those who had no control over their faculties were helped by their neighbors. Those who seemingly stared vacantly at no one were helped by their neighbors. Everyone partook. And everyone partook as one unit. One body. Some became hands for others. Some became laps for others. We were complete.
After the service, it was time for the residents to return to their rooms. I caught on to the routine quickly. They needed help for multiple reasons. Some needed the physical help of traveling back. Some needed the mental help of remembering where their room was. Doors needed guarding for all the residents seem in the habit of wandering. More than once I heard someone saying, "Ooops. One's getting away. Come back, Dear!"
Before anyone had started their journey back, Luke jumped up (he's my four-year-old) and began making his rounds. He hugged as many as he could and told each of them, "I love you!" One woman said, "She's a pretty little girl." Luke didn't correct her. How he had the wherewithal is a mystery. Phoenix shook hands with them (my five-year-old little man) and instantly began helping fold the chairs back up.
Maggie and I braced a woman on each side and patiently shuffled her down the hall. She told Maggie she was a "helpful young man" and Maggie smiled and said thank you. We asked her where her room was and she replied, "I've gone and forgotten the words to it." Okay. Find the orderly.
We were so honored and blessed that morning. I WILL be returning. Sitting amidst such pure beauty is an experience that overwhelmed and fed my soul.
The room we entered was already filling up with residents and a few of their family members. Wheelchairs and folding chairs were our pews and the foyer was our sanctuary. I looked around at all the residents. Some were sitting quietly, just waiting to begin. Some were talking loudly and enjoying the social gathering as if it was a big party. Some were staring in what seemed to be a vacant not-quite-there appearance. All were dressed up. Lipstick, jewelry, bows in hair, ties, cologne, and glitter. This was obviously a time during the week that held great honor amongst the residents.
The boys fit perfectly on a loveseat near the front, but there was no seat for Maggie (my grown-up seven-year-old). She didn't look twice. There was an empty chair between two elderly ladies (one in a wheelchair) and Maggie simply went up to both the ladies and asked if she could sit there.
The ladies were ecstatic. Maggie reached over to touch the purple, velvet sleeve of the wheelchaired woman on her left (who can resist purple velvet?). The woman smiled and reached over in turn to feel Maggie's bare arm. They both nodded approvingly, as if sharing a private moment only they understood.
The woman on Maggie's right had a cold and was sniffing. Maggie too had been sneezing a bit (it's allergy season here) so when Mark handed Maggie a handful of tissue, she immediately gave one to the sniffing woman. The woman grinned and thanked her. They were kindred at once.
When Mark got up to lead singing there was a mixed response. He'd purposely picked golden oldies to lead...those with a slow enough pace so as not to leave anyone behind. Many sang with no trouble; some sang at the top of their lungs with no inhibitions, and one woman in the back (the one I'd assumed was vacant) clapped her hands the entire time Mark was singing.
You'd think this would be a distraction from worship. Quite the opposite. It was in fact a purification of the worship service. I looked at each tender, wrinkled face and noticed three things in common with each one.
First, no one used the book they'd been given. They knew the words and sang with no fumbling.
Second, there was no looking from side to side. The residents sang only to God. They cared not that the person next to them was off-key or sniffing or shaking or fidgeting.
Lastly, these precious people were all smiling. All of them. These songs must've been so beautiful to God.
I convinced myself that, if I closed my eyes, I could hear a perfect harmony among the cacophony of voices. I believe the angels couldn't help themselves from joining in.
When the sermon began, it was just as interesting as the singing had been. The residents had eyes only for the speaker and actually answered his questions. "I mean, what's the one thing we've always wanted, ever since we were little kids?" (the answer here was "approval" or "affirmation"). A strong voice from somewhere in the middle yelled, "TOYS!" :)
During the taking of the Lord's Supper, I saw the breaking of the bread as Jesus surely meant it to be. Those who shook uncontrollably were helped by their neighbors. Those who had no control over their faculties were helped by their neighbors. Those who seemingly stared vacantly at no one were helped by their neighbors. Everyone partook. And everyone partook as one unit. One body. Some became hands for others. Some became laps for others. We were complete.
After the service, it was time for the residents to return to their rooms. I caught on to the routine quickly. They needed help for multiple reasons. Some needed the physical help of traveling back. Some needed the mental help of remembering where their room was. Doors needed guarding for all the residents seem in the habit of wandering. More than once I heard someone saying, "Ooops. One's getting away. Come back, Dear!"
Before anyone had started their journey back, Luke jumped up (he's my four-year-old) and began making his rounds. He hugged as many as he could and told each of them, "I love you!" One woman said, "She's a pretty little girl." Luke didn't correct her. How he had the wherewithal is a mystery. Phoenix shook hands with them (my five-year-old little man) and instantly began helping fold the chairs back up.
Maggie and I braced a woman on each side and patiently shuffled her down the hall. She told Maggie she was a "helpful young man" and Maggie smiled and said thank you. We asked her where her room was and she replied, "I've gone and forgotten the words to it." Okay. Find the orderly.
We were so honored and blessed that morning. I WILL be returning. Sitting amidst such pure beauty is an experience that overwhelmed and fed my soul.
Hot Diggity Blog!!
Well, Bloggers, the transformation has begun! I have gained so much energy this week that I'm not only seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, but I'm starting to feel that light on my face! I cleaned our house (yeah, the whole house) in three hours the other day!!! Woo-Hoo! That's the old Kim! I even have my old attitude back regarding the house's state of appearance. "If you leave a toy on the floor unattended, I will throw it away. Don't mess with my clean house!" I went to bed early last night and the last thing I said to Mark before closing my eyes was, "Don't let the kids ruin the house while I sleep." I'm back, Baby!
Let's review:
Old Kim (pre-illness)...Spic-n-Span house, hot dinner on the table at 5:00, schedule/routine/schedule/routine, Ladies' Bible Class, volunteering, sewing, etc...
Recent Kim (mid-illness)...sleep, cry, complain, sleep, laze-about, stare at what doesn't get done, sleep, etc...
Kim this week (mid-treatment)...up early, smiling, cleaning, organizing, playing, laughing, enjoying, cleaning, organizing, cleaning, organizing, etc...
Yay!!!
Oh, and did I mention I've lost 5 pounds? Oh, yeah. I'm back.
Let's review:
Old Kim (pre-illness)...Spic-n-Span house, hot dinner on the table at 5:00, schedule/routine/schedule/routine, Ladies' Bible Class, volunteering, sewing, etc...
Recent Kim (mid-illness)...sleep, cry, complain, sleep, laze-about, stare at what doesn't get done, sleep, etc...
Kim this week (mid-treatment)...up early, smiling, cleaning, organizing, playing, laughing, enjoying, cleaning, organizing, cleaning, organizing, etc...
Yay!!!
Oh, and did I mention I've lost 5 pounds? Oh, yeah. I'm back.
Monday, January 3, 2011
And so it begins...
Well, Bloggers, I've committed to losing weight and getting healthy. And that's as far as it's gone. We got home from our holiday travels yesterday evening and I honestly planned to hit the ground running, literally, this morning. I have the sinus flu but being skinny is more important than breathing, right? Mark left for a four-day trip to Colorado at around 4:30 this morning. Maggie started back to school this morning. The boys are a little fussy...I need to detox them from the holiday routine and junk-food extravaganza they've experienced. But...I still need to exercise!!
I put on the cutest work-out outfit. I looked adorable. Fat, but adorable. I stepped outside...BRRRR! 20 degrees?! Are you kidding me? Hmmm. I took Maggie to school, thinking it would warm up as the sun began to rise. It didn't. I got home and took off my cute work-out outfit. I put on my sloppy clothes and began my housework. I got new sheets for Christmas so I thrilled in making my bed. I made the boys breakfast (pouring milk in their cereal constitutes "making"). I walked in the den....
The Elliptical stood their mocking me. It jeered at me as if to say, "It's not 20 degrees in your house. I'm right here. USE ME!!" It's a bossy little thing. I ignored it. After all, I'm not even wearing my cute work-out outfit anymore. Who likes working out in sloppy house-work clothes? AND, I am barefoot! Can you do the Elliptical barefoot?
Yes.
Yes, you can.
Yes, I can.
And I will. Hold on...I'll be right back. Okay (she said, panting) I did it! I did 2 minutes and 30 seconds on the Elliptical!
This may sound like a really wimpy beginning to the exercise plan. Perhaps I should let you in on my current health situation. My adrenal glands shut down about the middle of last year and I developed severe anemia (chicken or the egg... we don't know which came first actually...adrenal failure or anemia). 2 minutes on the Elliptical has been but a dream for me. I not only did 2 minutes (and 30 seconds!) but I didn't faint!! Woo-Hoo!
What have you done today? Even if it's just a little bit, please share it with me. We can all use the encouragement!
I put on the cutest work-out outfit. I looked adorable. Fat, but adorable. I stepped outside...BRRRR! 20 degrees?! Are you kidding me? Hmmm. I took Maggie to school, thinking it would warm up as the sun began to rise. It didn't. I got home and took off my cute work-out outfit. I put on my sloppy clothes and began my housework. I got new sheets for Christmas so I thrilled in making my bed. I made the boys breakfast (pouring milk in their cereal constitutes "making"). I walked in the den....
The Elliptical stood their mocking me. It jeered at me as if to say, "It's not 20 degrees in your house. I'm right here. USE ME!!" It's a bossy little thing. I ignored it. After all, I'm not even wearing my cute work-out outfit anymore. Who likes working out in sloppy house-work clothes? AND, I am barefoot! Can you do the Elliptical barefoot?
Yes.
Yes, you can.
Yes, I can.
And I will. Hold on...I'll be right back. Okay (she said, panting) I did it! I did 2 minutes and 30 seconds on the Elliptical!
This may sound like a really wimpy beginning to the exercise plan. Perhaps I should let you in on my current health situation. My adrenal glands shut down about the middle of last year and I developed severe anemia (chicken or the egg... we don't know which came first actually...adrenal failure or anemia). 2 minutes on the Elliptical has been but a dream for me. I not only did 2 minutes (and 30 seconds!) but I didn't faint!! Woo-Hoo!
What have you done today? Even if it's just a little bit, please share it with me. We can all use the encouragement!
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The Fabulous Five
We strive to make memories that will always lead us into the Light
