Therapy (5)

Have you ever cried so hard that your nose was still red the morning? Your eyes still burn and your throat is sore? That was me Wednesday morning. According to M.T. I've transitioned into a new phase of therapy. During the first four sessions, we laid the foundation. Information, information, information! I am all about information. Knowledge is power. I can research. I can dig. I wrap answers around myself and feel secure with all the pieces fitting neatly in place. I think there was a bug part of me hoping that therapy was going to put all the pieces together for and then I'd be done. What I never considered was what would happen after I had all the information. I had previously typed up this long post about the therapy session only to have it disappear!! Instead of going into all that detail again, I'm simply going to say this. Having all the answers helps tremendously. It is not, however, the end of the journey. Learning who said what to whom; whose motivation was what; who did this; who didn't do that...these things certainly help me. I do want to understand everything as it truly took place. But it's what I do with all of the information that matters. And M.T. is has made it clear that this is going to be hard, painful, exhausting, and sometimes dreaded. I think you all know me well enough to know my reply. Bring it. Let's do this!(this will have to post full of typos because I'm not risking the whole save-edit-save-preview-save-post.)

Therapy (4)

Ahhhhhhhh. What was life without therapy? First of all, before talking about the actual session, let's cover some basics you should know. If you're thinking about beginning therapy, here is one standard I'd recommend you uphold. It's a deal-breaker. Look up the words "safe" and "haven." Now, when trying out a therapist, you determine if his/her office and demeanor exudes "safe haven." If they do not, this is not the therapist for you. Be discerning. Do NOT, however, be immature and use this "safe haven" measure as an excuse to drop a therapist when really you're just afraid. You can do it! Now, let me share what I've learned about how to get the most out of your therapy experience. Ladies, don't wear eye makeup. I mean, honestly, if you're not crying at some point, you may ask yourself if you're truly opening up. Secondly, wear comfortable clothes. Pajamas are even okay (unless you're in therapy because you have a fear of getting dressed or something). After your sessions, you're going to be tired. Preparing your family's meals ahead of time will help you tremendously those first few days after your session. Enough? You want to get to the juicy stuff? Okay. Yesterday was my fourth session. What I took away that I want to share is innocence. Are you innocent? What about when you were young? 10 years old...innocent? For those of us living as adults who were traumatized as children have generally not ever felt innocent. I remember being five years old, kneeling at my bedside, begging God to forgive me and take away that icky feeling. I didn't know what I felt guilty about, but I felt guilty nonetheless. I spent the rest of my life feeling dirty, ashamed, less-than. And I never could really find the horror that needed confessing. Because, of course, there was no horror for me to confess. The horror that happened did not rest on my shoulders. It was not my decision to do what was done to me. That little girl who was being violated was as innocent as any other little girl. Acknowledging that is HUGE. Take time this week to delve into your past. See yourself with honest eyes. If you're living with memories of childhood trauma, please let go of the guilt inside of you. Wrap the child inside of you up and love her. She is precious. She is innocent.

Therapy (3) {Time is on my side}

Hot on the heels of Therapy 2 is my third session. The schedule has changed and my sessions are now on Tuesday mornings. This is perfect for me! Okay, I neglected to mention in the T-2 post that the flower I planted was a lily. It is so beautiful! I haven't gotten another flower yet, in honor of this third session, because I'm torn between another lily or an iris. Thoughts? So, M.T. opened our session with "How was your Easter?" You all probably asked and answered that same question all week right? And I'm willing to wager your answers sounded something like, "Great!" "Super!" "Spent it with family. Really enjoyed it." "Hunted eggs. Lot of fun." My answer? "Miserable." M.T.'s response? "I thought so." She knew Easter was riding the coattails of our second session. She explained that my emotions are very raw right now. No fun. But necessary. What I brought away from the session that I want to pass on to all of you is time. "There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven..." Ecclesiastes 3. When the time to cry is upon us, we cannot also expect it to be the time to laugh. When the time to be silent is present, we cannot also be in the time to speak. So is it with the time to heal. When we are healing, we need to expect nothing more from ourselves than healing. In this present day of quick-service, multi-tasking, instant-gratification we must simply stop and check the time. I wish sometimes that I was in a Harry Potter universe with a wristwatch that said "Cry...Laugh...Born...Die...Embrace...Refrain..." and so on. If we recognized the correct time for each moment, we'd be so blessed. I encourage you to recognize and acknowledge what time it is in your life right now. Ask God to show you and then revel in it. As I said, for me it is a time to heal. It will always be the time to cook, clean, kiss boo-boos, and carry on the tasks of the day. But knowing that this is a time of healing for me makes it so much easier to know that I am allowed to cry, be exhausted, have a short-temper, be less motivated, and be prone to silence. It also helps me to thank God for this time, knowing that, "He has made everything beautiful in its time." What time is it for you? And how are you acknowledging it?

Therapy (2)

The Standard

It's so impossible to live up to the standards we think others are living up to sometimes. For example, if I'm going to try and pattern my life after Martha Stewart, I should remember she's a single, wealthy woman with nothing better to do than make a wreath out of eggshells. She's not a mom of three small children, living on a budget, and boasting a whole five minutes of her OWN time in the day. If I'm going to pattern my life after Doris Day, I should remember she was more character than person. She had an army of hair and make-up people at her disposal and nothing better to do than pose in front of the camera with her vacuum cleaner. She didn't have to clean out that vacuum's filter, listen to complaints about her cooking, or see more of her lipstick on her daughter's baby doll than on herself. If I want to pattern my life after my mom, I need to remember that I'm younger right now than when she gave birth to me. She had already gained so much wisdom, experience, and know-how as to make mothering look easy...and fun. She DID have three small children and live on a budget, but I never saw it. I should remember that the Mama I know already had it figured out by the time I came along and it didn't come to her overnight. I still have a lot to learn before reaching her status. If I want to pattern my life after anyone, then it needs to be someone I want my kids to pattern their lives after as well. After all, if they get the notion to pattern their lives after me then I'd better be looking in the right direction my own self. You know where this is leading. Jesus. If I want to have life of peace, joy, love, warmth, and a sense of belonging, I'll look to Jesus. I can never be as perfect as He is, and somehow, that enhances the beauty of Him being my pattern. He, and only He, is worthy.

What's in it for me?

I'm posting this from the iPhone so there's bound to be a ton of mistakes. But the pc is down and this is all I've got. I went to church yesterday morning; first time I attended a Sunday morning service in well over a month. I was feeling pretty proud of myself. I showered and took special care with my brand new hairstyle. I wore something super-cute, jeweled and perfumed myself, and we were on our way. I was full of anticipation. My friends were going to be so surprised...so glad to see me. And everyone was sure to go wild about my hair! Didn't quite work out that way. People were sweet. A few said they'd missed me. Fewer gave me brief bugs. And only ONE person even mentioned my hair!! To say the least, I was disappointed. I pouted a little as I made lunch. Then it hit me. I had gone to church for accolades...compliments...attention. I went from pouty to ashamed really quickly. So, I had not gone to worship...praise...learn...encourage. What was wrong with me? I'd spent over a month keeping away from church in order to heal, to meditate, to cry. Did I become so self-absorbed during those weeks that I even made Sunday morning worship about me? Good grief!! I've reevaluated my perspective and hope to never again see my wonderful congregation in terms of what they can do for me! I'm sorry, church family.