Luke

So many have been asking about Monday's appointment and I apologize for taking so long to report on it!  Let me just say right away, it was anti-climactic, to say the least.  It was a good and productive meeting, but not the eye-opening, AHA, kind of appointment I'd been anticipating.  Mark and I got in the Jeep to drive away, kids in the backseat hungry and tired, and both looked at each other with the same expression, "Did we just accomplish anything here or was this a total waste of time and money?"

Back up three hours.

Mark, the three kids, and I were all high-energy and high spirits as we pulled into the driveway of the log home/office.  We knew we weren't seeing the doctor.  We'd be seeing his assistant who is also a very capable therapist.  After filling out a booklet of paperwork (took an hour to fill out), we sat and waited for a long half-hour until finally it was our turn.  Mark, Luke and I left Maggie and Phoenix in the waiting area (supplied with colors, paper, electronic games, and snacks) and headed back to the inner sanctum.

We spent the next hour and a half wringing out every pertinent memory we had of Luke's struggles and pouring them all at the therapist's feet.  She was calm and validating.  She was encouraging and reassuring.  At the end of the "session" (during half of which we sent Luke out to be with his siblings), Mark and I were exhausted and honestly felt we were due some kind of answer, remedy, help of any sort.  We got a "go ahead" to set up an appointment to speak with the doctor. 

Three hours of sharing intimate details, insecurities about our son, as of yet unspoken fears, and admissions of anxiety, we felt like we'd been up a mountain and back with little to show for it. 

So, as we drove away, the kids were hungry, Mark needed to get back to the office, I was tired and frustrated, and I looked back to see if Luke was any worse for wear.  He was smiling.  He was joking with his brother.  He was acting silly and laughing.  He was happy!

Mark and I talked in vague phrases and low volume and decided it was a more productive meeting than we'd originally perceived it be.  In fact, I found that Mark hadn't found it as anti-climactic as I had. 

I still needed a stress-release.  So, after dropping Mark off, I drove through McDonald's, ordered grease with extra calories and headed for the park.  Picnicking and playing did the trick.  My head was a bit clearer two hours later.

Here's what we came away with (that I didn't know we came away with but discovered later):
First of all, just the fact that we listened to Luke when he said he had a yucky feeling inside him and we were/are willing to do something about it has given Luke a sense of peace.  He is feeling a bit more secure.
Secondly, a piece of advice we received from the therapist was to simply treat Luke as would our other two kids.  See, I haven't been doing this.  I didn't realize just how bad it had gotten, but it was bad enough.  I was scared.  If Maggie or Phoenix got upset about something, we'd work through it.  If they continued to whine and fuss about it, I'd nip it in the bud.  If Luke continues to whine about something we'd dealt with, I panicked a little.  I felt this sense of doom and gloom because I recognize that Luke is different.  His fears go deeper than other kids' and his anxiety levels are more dramatic than most adults'.  I felt unequipped to comfort him sufficiently.  And he felt that. 

Remember when you were a kid...and there was a big storm?  You'd run to your parents.  If they were calm about it and unafraid, you were instantly calmed.  If you saw that your parents were scared, you freaked out.  Right?

Well, Luke senses that he's different.  He senses that I know that and am afraid.  He doesn't know that my fears derive from the passion I feel toward helping and protecting my son.  He just knows that something about him scares me...and that scares him.  Mark has always treated him the same.  I've noticed that Mark has more success with him during his meltdowns, but I never understood why, until now.

So, I've stopped.  I have spoken to him and treated him like I do the other two for two days now.  You now what?  MAJOR change in this child.  It is unbelievable. 

God is good.  We are blessed.  And we are well on our way to learning how to be whatever it is this amazing child needs us to be.  Our next appointment is in two weeks.  Pray!    (Kathryn, thank you.  I know this is what you were trying to tell me)