Being Invisible

Are you a parent?  I am.  I'm a mama.  I can only speak from a mama's perspective but I think it may apply to many positions.  I'm taken for granted on a daily basis.  Sometimes on an hourly basis.  Clean dishes, clean sheets, clean clothes.  Food is always available.  Soap is ready for your bath.  Your broken toys become fixed miraculously, your books get returned to library, you have everything you need for school.  Your boo-boos are bandaged, your thirst is quenched, your every whim is anticipated. 

Now, I do discipline and train and make aware.  But for this post, I'm zeroing in on the "invisible" mama.  In fact, you know what?  I can't say it better than Nicole Johnson. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YU0aNAHXP0

She is right on.  I sometimes need to watch this and be reminded of who I am and WHY I am.  Please read Esther 4:14.  That last sentence is golden!  Go be who you are!

Loving My Sighs and Not My Size

It's started.  The exercising.  One year ago I had to stop running because my body went into a kind of breakdown.  (See The Common Volcano)  I thought I'd get back to it within a few months but didn't.  Here we are, back to it, and ugh!  It's tough!  I'll be honest (you KNOW I'll be honest), I am more interested in cute exercise outfits than actually exercising.  But, they don't look very cute on a fat body.  Gross.  Spandex plus cellulite equals please-avert-your-eyes.  So, while I'm glad I can still fold my body into my exercise clothes and zip them without too much moaning, I'm still loathe to actually get outside and move.

I recently spent a little over a week in Iowa with my in-laws.  There's a treadmill downstairs and I have to walk by it coming and going to my bedroom.  It mocked me the entire time I was there.  I reasoned that I'd forgotten to pack my tennis-shoes and therefore couldn't run on it!  But it just laughed at me anyway.  I thought maybe I'd bring them with me next time I visited.  That reminded me that the next visit would be July 4th.  And I wouldn't be the only one visiting.  My beautifully sculpted in-laws would (almost) all be descending onto the property looking thin and radiant and disciplined.  I don't want to be the fat one!!!!! 

I am endlessly envious of my niece Caroline Pruitt's figure.  She curves in all the right places and cinches up in all the right places...she's my ideal shape and I must admit to just sitting and staring at her (not in a creepy way...just in admiration).  My niece Elizabeth Pruitt has probably the most self-discipline out of all of us.  She is also the thinnest.  There's no way I will ever reach her size.  That's a little discouraging because I'd really like to borrow some of her clothes!  Ha!  She and Caroline are not, by far, the only healthy beauties.  All of them are trim and proper. 

I do not compare myself to anyone under the age of 18. I also cannot compare myself to anyone who has less children than me (Naam and Shao Li, you will always be thinner and in better shape than me!!  Asian beauty is not something I even hope to acquire!).  I thought about using the excuse of being a mother of three, but Jan Pruitt is a mother of FOUR and is about a SIZE four.  And my youngest is six years old.  Can't blame my flab on him anymore.

So, yesterday morning, I started out.  I walked one street and ran the next, alternating like that for just one lap (or block...three blocks is one mile).  Now this is piddly for most of you.  But, like my husband always says, "low and slow is the way to go".  Today, I alternated for two laps.  It wasn't awful.  I couldn't feel my legs half-way through my last running stretch.  How then do I know I was running?  Well, my fat was shaking so I'm pretty sure I was more-than-walking.  Tomorrow I will hit the pavement for three laps.  A mile!  Tomorrow, in my white running pants and turquoise-and-white Adidas shirt, I will be in continuous motion for an entire mile. 

I cannot allow myself to think how I used to run two or three miles before daylight in the mornings.  I cannot think that I used to wear a size 8 and actually buy clothes in the Jr. section.  I cannot think that there are ice cream sandwiches in the freezer right now.  I must celebrate the moment.

Celebrate with me, People! 

Summer Books for 2013

Sorry I'm late getting this out.  Here are my recommendations for books to read this summer...

I'll lay down the rules again for those of you just joining the gang.  I give a book 3 strikes before deciding it's worth a read.  These can include any of the following: excessive cursing (if it's a children's or family book, ANY cursing is an automatic strike), explicit sex scenes (again, kids' books should have NO sex), blatant blaspheming of God (as an acceptable option...I realize there are villains in books and I allow for that), the bad guy wins (this is never okay.  realism I get...and it's real that the good guy wins, so I will not recommend anyone investing time in anything that ends on a negative note), etc...  There are other "strike-able" offenses, but I think you get my drift.

The categories in my review are as follows:

Three Strikes: do not read this book
Two Strikes: still worth a read
One Strike: still worth a read
Read Out loud to Your Family
Read After Dark: Creepy and Goose-bumpy
Read With Your Spouse: Not for children/definitely for adults
Sweetest Series
Most Romantic Character
Scariest Villain
Funniest Character
Most Heroic Character
Best True-to-Life Character
Character I relate most to
Home run in each genre
Grand Slam: Overall best book

Three Strikes goes to Janet Evanovich.  I know, I know, she's a best seller.  I get it.  I couldn't get through the first Stephanie Plum book ("One for the Money") because of my own personal experiences.  Maybe someday I'll be able to get through the first chapter.  Maybe.

Two Strikes:  The Ghost Hunter series by Victoria Laurie (the first is "What's a Ghoul to Do?").  There's cursing (no "f" word though).  There's also blatant support for homosexuality which I get enough of in real life and don't necessarily want to read about it.  Otherwise, these books are good.  Starring M.J. Holliday, a psychic-medium who has made it her mission to help grounded spirits (ghosts) cross over, be it to the "good place" or the "bad place".  I'm currently on book 4 and, if I've liked them well enough to read three of them, they get at least one thumbs up.

One Strike:  "The Spindlers" by Lauren Oliver.  The creep-level in this book is off the charts.  I'm talking iiiiicky!  The reason this is a strike is because it's a children's book.  I couldn't get through it.  I hate spiders.  There's nothing in it that devalues life or anything.  It's just too weird and creepy for kids.

Read Out Loud to the Family:  "The Hero's Guide to Saving Your Kingdom" by Christopher Healy.  This book is uproarious!  It has a rare blend of humor that satisfies all ages and all interests.  The book gives an intimate look at the "Princes Charming" from favorite fairy tales.  You get up close and personal with Cinderella, Snow White, Briar Rose, and more but they are, for once, NOT the stars of the show!

Read After Dark: Carol O'Connell's Mallory series (first one is "Mallory's Oracle").  It doesn't get grittier than these mysteries.  The cast of characters are all believable and the plot is deliciously dark.

Read With Your Spouse:  The Mark of the Lion series by Francine Rivers.  This an "inspirational" book (meaning it was written by a Christian with the intent to inspire Christ-like living).  These three books will blow you away.  Wish I had three thumbs for this one!!

Sweetest Series:  "The Darling Dahlias" by  Susan Wittig Albert.  Set in the 1930's, these ladies bring the small town of Darling, Alabama to life.  They get into all manner of scrapes but are stronger than they think.  The first is "The Darling Dahlias and the Cucumber Tree" and your library will have it.  You'll smile all the way through it and have a hankering for the simple-life when you're done.

Most Romantic Character:  This is a toughy.  Romance could be dramatic, funny, safe, etc... I'm going to say that Marcus from "A Voice in the Wind" (the first in the Mark of the Lion series) is most romantic overall.  He definitely has to overcome many struggles to find out what love is.  Read it!!

Scariest Villain:  Hmm...I haven't read too many spine-tingling villain books lately.  None of the books I've gone through recently have any bad guys that leave me haunted after I'm done.  I'm going to reserve the right to come back to this one later.

Funniest Character.  Good grief.  It's, hands down, Duncan from "Hero's Guide".  This guy is so funny!  Christopher Healy did an amazing job with this character and I can't wait for the second book to come out!

Most Heroic Character:  Hadassah from the Mark of the Lion series.  I know I don't usually choose a girl for Most Heroic but...read it and you're sure to agree.  She is off the charts from any hero I've read before.

Most True-to-Life Character:  Lucy Stone from the Lucy Stone Mysteries by Leslie Meier (the first is "Mistletoe Murder").  She is so frank and candid.  I'm just getting into these but so far (with only one strike for cursing) she's pretty real.

Most Related to: Lucy Stone again.  She's happily married with three kids and so overwhelmed with stuff all the time.  Sound like anyone you know?

Home run for Mysteries:  The Daisy Dalrymple series by Carola Dunn.  They're the ultimate English Cozy.  Recommended for bubble-bath and candle lights, followed by pajamas and popcorn.

"The Hero's Guide to Saving Your Kingdom" by Christopher Healy.  This is absolutely, hands down, without any doubt, the winner of my Grand Slam Book Review!  This book literally has it ALL!  Family-worthy, yes!  Laugh out loud, yes!  Keeps your interest, yes!  NO STRIKES!  I challenge you to read this and find something negative to say (but don't say it to me).  This book has me salivating for the next in the series!!!!!!!  Gold Star, Christopher Healy!!!

Enjoy your summer reading!

Luke

So many have been asking about Monday's appointment and I apologize for taking so long to report on it!  Let me just say right away, it was anti-climactic, to say the least.  It was a good and productive meeting, but not the eye-opening, AHA, kind of appointment I'd been anticipating.  Mark and I got in the Jeep to drive away, kids in the backseat hungry and tired, and both looked at each other with the same expression, "Did we just accomplish anything here or was this a total waste of time and money?"

Back up three hours.

Mark, the three kids, and I were all high-energy and high spirits as we pulled into the driveway of the log home/office.  We knew we weren't seeing the doctor.  We'd be seeing his assistant who is also a very capable therapist.  After filling out a booklet of paperwork (took an hour to fill out), we sat and waited for a long half-hour until finally it was our turn.  Mark, Luke and I left Maggie and Phoenix in the waiting area (supplied with colors, paper, electronic games, and snacks) and headed back to the inner sanctum.

We spent the next hour and a half wringing out every pertinent memory we had of Luke's struggles and pouring them all at the therapist's feet.  She was calm and validating.  She was encouraging and reassuring.  At the end of the "session" (during half of which we sent Luke out to be with his siblings), Mark and I were exhausted and honestly felt we were due some kind of answer, remedy, help of any sort.  We got a "go ahead" to set up an appointment to speak with the doctor. 

Three hours of sharing intimate details, insecurities about our son, as of yet unspoken fears, and admissions of anxiety, we felt like we'd been up a mountain and back with little to show for it. 

So, as we drove away, the kids were hungry, Mark needed to get back to the office, I was tired and frustrated, and I looked back to see if Luke was any worse for wear.  He was smiling.  He was joking with his brother.  He was acting silly and laughing.  He was happy!

Mark and I talked in vague phrases and low volume and decided it was a more productive meeting than we'd originally perceived it be.  In fact, I found that Mark hadn't found it as anti-climactic as I had. 

I still needed a stress-release.  So, after dropping Mark off, I drove through McDonald's, ordered grease with extra calories and headed for the park.  Picnicking and playing did the trick.  My head was a bit clearer two hours later.

Here's what we came away with (that I didn't know we came away with but discovered later):
First of all, just the fact that we listened to Luke when he said he had a yucky feeling inside him and we were/are willing to do something about it has given Luke a sense of peace.  He is feeling a bit more secure.
Secondly, a piece of advice we received from the therapist was to simply treat Luke as would our other two kids.  See, I haven't been doing this.  I didn't realize just how bad it had gotten, but it was bad enough.  I was scared.  If Maggie or Phoenix got upset about something, we'd work through it.  If they continued to whine and fuss about it, I'd nip it in the bud.  If Luke continues to whine about something we'd dealt with, I panicked a little.  I felt this sense of doom and gloom because I recognize that Luke is different.  His fears go deeper than other kids' and his anxiety levels are more dramatic than most adults'.  I felt unequipped to comfort him sufficiently.  And he felt that. 

Remember when you were a kid...and there was a big storm?  You'd run to your parents.  If they were calm about it and unafraid, you were instantly calmed.  If you saw that your parents were scared, you freaked out.  Right?

Well, Luke senses that he's different.  He senses that I know that and am afraid.  He doesn't know that my fears derive from the passion I feel toward helping and protecting my son.  He just knows that something about him scares me...and that scares him.  Mark has always treated him the same.  I've noticed that Mark has more success with him during his meltdowns, but I never understood why, until now.

So, I've stopped.  I have spoken to him and treated him like I do the other two for two days now.  You now what?  MAJOR change in this child.  It is unbelievable. 

God is good.  We are blessed.  And we are well on our way to learning how to be whatever it is this amazing child needs us to be.  Our next appointment is in two weeks.  Pray!    (Kathryn, thank you.  I know this is what you were trying to tell me)

That Moment When "Woo-Hoo!" Turns Into "Wait...What?"

When Mark and I found out we were pregnant with child #3, we had a 3-year-old and a 2-month-old.  We weren't exactly jumping for joy at first but then we were ecstatic.  Woo-Hoo!!!!  We wanted a full house and, having had a late start, didn't know if that would be in His design.  It was and we loved it!  After the first appointment with my doctor, I went with Mark on a business trip.  Being newly pregnant, with a newborn as well, I was exhausted.  I remember how perfect life seemed when I began my nap...cool hotel room...comfy pillows....Phoenix was playing in a make-shift playpen... we'd left Maggie with my parents....perfect.  Then my cell phone rang.

My doctor was calling me...on a weekend...when he knew I was out of town.  Cytomegalovirus.  Wait...What?!  I had WHAT?!  Cytomegalovirus, commonly known as CMV, is the leading cause of infant blindness, deafness, and retardation.  Upon birth, if there is a birth, some of the best case scenarios saw the infant being immediately taken to NICU and having chemo treatments and several other invasive and uncomfortable treatments.  My doctor advised me to abort immediately.

After suggesting it for a third time, we finally told the doctor it wasn't going to happen.  We were keeping the baby, no matter what.  Well, after months of special care (CMV feels like the flu and mono at the same time by the way), we were as ready as we could possibly be.  NICU nurses on hand, equipment near by, prayers in progress, I gave birth to our second son, Luke Alexander Pruitt.  He was perfect.  Ten little fingers and ten little toes.  His APGAR was perfect.  His organs were perfect.  There was nothing wrong with this baby!!  NOTHING!!  Woo-Hoo!!!  Of course, consequences of CMV could present as far away as 2-years-old.  Wait...what?!

For two years I watched Luke.  I looked for any signs of hearing-loss, weakened eye-sight, or learning disabilities.  I couldn't do anything about hearing or seeing, but I did my best to feed him intellectually.  The first song I sang to him was The Alphabet (well, after Jesus Loves Me).  It was funny...when I started singing The Alphabet to him, he was exactly two minutes old...and he looked up at me and held a steady gaze throughout the whole song.  After that, we noticed that anytime he was fussy or upset, we could just sing The Alphabet and he'd calm right down.  When he was seven months old, I was trying to distract him from a hurting boo-boo so I sang the song wrong on purpose.  "A B D C..."  He whipped his head around to me and said, "C D!!" 

I thought, I have a genius!  I put some alphabet blocks in front of him and (in between chewing on them and throwing them) he put them in perfect alphabetical order.  At nine months, he crawled over to a book and read the title to me.  I thought he just knew what the book was.  "Color and Shapes."  He'd looked at it and said, "Colors and Shapes".  I turned it to a random page and pointed to a green circle and asked, "What's that?"  He said, "Green circle!"  Genius!  Woo-Hoo!  He could spend an hour or more in front of the refrigerator spelling words with the alphabet magnets.  At 14 months, he began writing...sentences.  (Spelled correctly).

Mark used math flashcards with Maggie and Phoenix and at 18 months, Luke crawled up in is lap and began answering right along with the others.  Correctly.  At the age of two, he read through a third-grade math workbook and corrected two mistakes in it.  Genius!  Woo-Hoo! 

Never forgetting the CMV, I began to convince myself that Luke was autistic.  I had him tested and was told he wasn't.  My sister-in-law is an excellent speech pathologist and works with several autistic children and their families.  I asked her to please evaluate Luke.  She did.  She said he wasn't autistic.  Wait...what?  He's THIS smart and NOT autistic?!  Evaluate him again.

And again.

And again.

Not autistic.  His last evaluation was at 6 years of age and he is flat out, no argument, not autistic.

Hmmm.  Back up to three-years-old.  I took him to see his pediatrician (had a cold) and while we were waiting to see the doc, Luke wrote several math equations on the little chalkboard in the exam room.  His doc came in and was very intrigued by this.  He asked Luke several questions involving shapes, letters, colors, numbers...spell imagine, what's two squared, what color do yellow and blue make, what do you call a shape with eight sides, etc...  I'm thinking, Woo-Hoo!  FINALLY, someone is listening!  I waited patiently for the doc to turn to me and say, "Kim, Luke is autistic."  He turned to me and said, "Kim, Luke is a once-in-a-generation, Einstein genius.  Pretty cool."  Wait...what?

I asked, "What does this mean?  What do I do?  How do I help him?"

His doctor laughed at me (as often happens) and said, "You relax, watch him, and follow his lead.  I hope I'm still alive to see what this kid is gonna do.  It's gonna be amazing."

Right.  Watch him.  Follow his lead. 

Maggie and Phoenix are very bright.  They are gifted.  They are advanced.  They are well above average.  Maggie was reading novels at age 5.  Phoenix could multiply by 13 in his head by age 6.  Genius, I can do.  Woo-Hoo!  All is normal and wonderful!  Mark and I have three smarty-pants kids!

When Luke turned 6, things began to change slightly.  He was still smarter than anything we'd ever seen before (and random.  He would spontaneously say things like, "I like the author Patricia Polacco."), but now he seemed even harder on himself than ever.  Luke is a perfectionist.  We'd known this since the beginning.  He'd accidentally misspell a word and have a total come-apart.  He would get an answer wrong and be physically ill.  But, at the age of 6, he would have frequent melt-downs for seemingly no reason.  "I AM THE LAST ONE TO GET READY FOR SCHOOL!!!  WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!"  We're not talking, "Aw, man, you beat me."  No.  Screaming and crying.

Then came the guilt.  Upon realizing he'd overreacted, he would apologize.  Not, "I'm so sorry."  More like, "I'M SO SORRY...I'm really sorry.  Really.  I'm a fool.  I'm just so so so sorry.  I feel awful.  I think I'm sick.  I can't stop feeling awful.  I'm so sorry."

I had my sis-in-law evaluate him again.  She had much to say, all wise.  Upon on urging, we called his doctor.  I talked to the nurse and said, "My son's a genius and that's all well and good, but he's having emotional melt-downs all the time.  What do we do?!"  She advised us that in these situations, the doctor would set up an appointment for consultation and then go from there.  She called me back within the hour and said, "Um he says he knows Luke and, yes he is a genius, and this is to be expected.  No consultation necessary."  And, just like that, we had an appointment with a psychiatrist.  Woo-Hoo!  Wait...What?

I don't know how many of you know Luke.  I don't know how many of you know of a Luke or have a Luke of your own.  I thought smart, gifted, above average was as "good" as it got.  But those descriptions don't even touch my son.  I found that "true" geniuses are amongst the most anxious people in our society.  Their brains work over-time.  The majority of them are on anti-anxiety medications.  They make up a large number of suicides in the U.S.  Being gifted is awesome.  Being a genius is something altogether different.

We being our journey June 3rd.  After his appointment with the psychiatrist, I will share what we know.  Prayers are appreciated.  And if you know Luke personally, please love him with patience.

That Ugly Sweater

Have you ever received a gift that you didn't like?  Did you go to the person who gave it to you and say, "I hate this.  Gross."???  Probably not.  There are some of you who will return it and exchange it for something you DO like.  But let's pretend this is a handmade gift that was made especially for you.  You cannot return it.  Do you go to the person who made it and go on and on about how much you hate it?  Maybe you complain to someone else about it, "This is the ugliest sweater I've ever seen, but I have to wear it."  But wouldn't you just DIE if that got back to the one who made it and gave it to you?

How many times have I commented negatively on some part of my body?  That God made.  Especially for me. 

I have crooked teeth.  Stringy hair.  Weird toes.  Knobby knees.  Round face.  I could go on.  And I have.  On many occasions.

And God can hear me.

Just think twice about putting yourself down from now on.  The one who created you can hear you.

Love vs. Romance Part II

The word love is beautiful.  It can mean so many different things on so many different levels.  Our preacher recently did a sermon on that very point and I found it, not only interesting, but applicable to every single area of life.  "I love peanut butter.  I love my grandmother."  That's what he said that made things start clicking for me.  He, of course, went on to impress upon us that we cannot begin to fathom the depths of God's love for us.  We will never come close to showing or receiving that amount of love as humans.  Marriage and parenting are the two relationship-worlds that allow us a taste of that love and I want to concentrate on marriage today.

Before we start dating, we dream.  Right?  You have a certain "type" in mind.  Blond, smart, funny, thin, muscles, talented, etc...we get really detailed sometimes.  Is in a band, will be a lawyer, will like camping, will be a Republican.  We start erasing any chance of negativity.  Never leaves the seat up, has a soothing voice, doesn't snore, is organized, likes the same music as me, wants exactly four children, has straight teeth, takes out the trash. 

None, hear me, NONE of the above equals a happy and healthy marriage.  Your mate may be every single thing on the check-list and still it is not important and you will not be satisfied by it. 

You notice I left of the Spiritual check-list?  Okay, let's do that.  Is a Christian, reads Bible every day, sings sweetly, goes to church regularly, gets involved with congregational activities. 

Nope.  Still not there.  I dated a guy that had every one of those Spiritual items nailed.  He was also demeaning, controlling, and threw me down a flight of stairs. 

While we're dating, we check the list, modify the list, add to the list and re-write the list.  Doesn't have to drive a great car but must want to some day, has good hygiene, wants kids, likes dogs, hates cats, sometimes snores but will probably look into fixing that, will always stop and listen to me, very attractive, will come to church with me, etc...

Still not there.

I have the luxury of hindsight.  And, by the way, I am the original cautionary tale when it comes to dating and mate-hunting.  Those of you who know my husband are probably still amazed, as am I, that we're together.  But I know what works and what doesn't.  I know you can throw that list out the window.  None of it matters.

Yes, you want a good one.  Of course.  Do you have to write that down?  Do you have to remind yourself to look for a good mate?  Nope.  So, let's forget the list for a minute.  Okay?  Let's talk about love.

Love at first sight does not exist.  Lust at first sight is about as close as you're going to get here.  And, might I just add, when lust at first sight happens, it sure complicates things because our vision becomes so blurry to what's important. 

When you're buying candy, do you put on your wish-list "must be wrapped in gold, packaged in plastic, and have red writing on it."???  No, who cares about that?  You want chocolate, nuts, nougat, etc....  the inside.  When you buy a vegetable, do you think, "Oh, this will match my kitchen decor!"  Uh, I hope not.  You think of its content, its taste, its health-value.  Yes? 

You get my point.  So, let's move on.

After you're married, it doesn't matter what kind of music your spouse likes, whether or not they snore, whether or not they hold your hand in public, whether or not they are ecstatic about attending church, whether or not your toes curl up when they kiss you.........

~~Christianity IS important.  Please hear me saying that it's in the heart, not in the actions ultimately.~~

The feeling you have for your spouse is not love until you've experienced sacrifice.  There it is, ladies and gentlemen.  Sacrifice is what love is.  Underneath the wrapping of sex, companionship, comfort, and commonality, there must be sacrifice.

When we are told in the Bible that men must love their wives as Christ loves the church, we're talking about the willingness to climb up on a cross and die for her while she's in the midst of hurting and betraying you. 

When we are told in the Bible that women must respect their husbands, we're talking about praising them and encouraging them in the midst of their jobless, lazy, money-spending phases.

If love was easy, it wouldn't cover a multitude of sins.  If love was an emotion, we wouldn't be commanded to do it. 

Be resigned to the following:
You WILL wake up one morning and not really like your spouse.  You WILL wonder if there's even one small thing you have in common.  You WILL become frustrated, annoyed, angry, put-off, hurt, lonely, worried, and weary during your marriage.  This is not Heaven.  Do not expect it.

Know the following:
How you feel doesn't matter.  You look to GOD to fill the hole inside you.  You look to GOD for your happiness and satisfaction.  Your spouse is your opportunity to show GOD your love.  Your spouse will NOT often deserve your sacrifice.  It will NOT be fair and balanced.  You will NOT be pat on the back.

You WILL be amazingly content and peaceful.  After sacrificing, you will be so filled with the Spirit that you will feel ready to take on the world.  After sacrificing over a period of time, you will feel something for your spouse that you had no idea you were capable of feeling.  Love.  That's what you will finally have.

Love is action.  Love is a process.  Love is who we ARE not what we expect to receive.  God is love and we represent.

If this scares all of you single folks out there...GOOD.  Marriage is not to be entered into lightly!  Your list should be more...will I stand by her if all of her hair falls out and she forgets my name?  Will I commit to respecting him if he hurts my feelings?  Will I nourish her and die for her?  Will I honor him and adore him?

Respect
Honor
Adore

Those are the vows our hearts must keep.  Love is a bi-product.  Love is the destination.  Go ask a couple who have been married 50 years how they feel toward each other.  Ask them if the list mattered.