Fibromyalgia. How many of you know what this is? How many of you doubt that it is a "real" diagnosis? How many of you know someone with it? How many of you have it?
I have it. The symptoms are crazy. They mimic so many other illnesses. When someone says they have Fibromyalgia, what do you imagine? How do you picture a day in their life? I used to picture a day laying on the couch reading, eating, watching t.v. I used to think of it as the "tired" disease. In fact, I blurred it with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. (How many of you believe that one's a fake too?)
Seems there's a lot of opinions on this Fibromyalgia stuff. It's an easy target for the opinionated because science hasn't set clear boundaries in defining it yet. How exciting for me. I'm on the "ground floor" of this disease. I'm a pioneer. There are doctors who do not believe in it; doctors who prescribe medicine for it; and doctors who are honest about it. I finally found that last breed.
But before we get into the treatment, lets get back to the diagnosis. How in the world do you diagnose something that has no scientific definition? It's an ambiguous little feller. But maybe diagnosing is also too far ahead to begin.
Symptoms. If you Google Fibromyalgia, you will get about 1,800,00 results, give or take. For something that no one knows very much about, there's a lot of information out there. You can find a list of symptoms, treatments, cures, etc... You can find chat rooms, forums, those for, those against, etc... You will read about causes. You will get a brain-full of natural remedies. So how do you know what's what?
Talk to someone who has it.
Oh. That's me! The most common symptom is fatigue. But if that were the only symptom, we'd all have Fibromyalgia. That's the thing. All the symptoms are "common" to other ailments. But, as one doctor explained to me, if you take all the symptoms and put them together as a jig-saw puzzle, sometimes you can clearly see a pattern. It's hit-n-miss right now in the medical world, which why a lot of people think this is a "catch-all" diagnosis. "Hmm...well...we don't really know what you have so we're going to stamp you Fibromyalgia and call it a day."
I thought that too.
Which is why, when the first doctor mentioned it, I groaned and thought, "Here we go. You don't have a clue what's wrong with me and you're tired of looking so you're giving me a pity-diagnosis and sending me on my way."
Back to the symptoms. How many of you are familiar with Rheumatoid Arthritis? Migraines? Irritable Bowel Syndrome? The flu? Depression? Anxiety? Carpal Tunnel? Inflammation? Iritis/Uveitis? Lupus? Vertigo? Insomnia? Skin Irritation? Lyme? Welcome to Fibromyalgia?
This is why it is so hard to diagnose and it's sometimes thought to be something else. There is no scientific test for it. There is a way to "feel" for it, however. There are certain nerve points near joints that will be much more tender than in other places. If you're being examined for Fibromyalgia, your doctor will press all over and, if you have it, there will be moments you want to come off that table and punch him in the nose. (I literally raised my voice at the doc and said, "What are you DOING?!" to which he responded, "Oh, you didn't sign up for the deluxe massage?" Great man.)
I am discovering myself all over again. What are my limits? What are my strengths? When do I push forward, and when do I stop? The doctor said to lower my stress-level. HA! Oh, those doctors really have a great sense of humor. Good thing I do too. Did you know that there are things you CAN do with Fibromyalgia? You can smile...laugh...play...read...exercise...pray...sing...and enjoy life to the best of your ability. You are not a pariah and certainly do not have to become a shut-in. There are absolutely days when I don't get out of bed. Sometimes I make it to the couch and that's it. And that's okay. Those are great reading days.
My advice to those who are on this journey with me, don't be hard on yourself. Your central nervous system is already doing that for you. My advice to those who have a loved-one with Fibromyalgia, let them set the pace. Believe them. Love them.
We'll wrap for now. My finger-joints are yelling at me. Time for a warm drink and an episode of "Miss Fischer's Murder Mysteries".
Welcome to my new world, Everyone.
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Spit-Up, Sex, and Other Stay-At-Home Mama Stuff
I saw a random article about how there is a rise in stay-at-home moms recently. I was so excited! I make no apologies for my belief that moms staying at home with their children during crucial years is the best way to raise healthy, successful families. A rise! That's great! So, I searched for more articles. All I found were statistics telling me that the only reason there is a rise in mothers choosing to stay home with their children is because of poverty, can't find a job, going back to school (so they can have a job), disabilities, and other reasons why they wish they could work outside the home but can't. Talk about crestfallen!
What happened to taking pride in the home? I don't mean the kind of pride that goes before the fall. I mean the kind where you have self-respect for knowing you are doing your best for our family. Before your feathers are completely ruffled, let me also say that I respect working mothers. I know that in today's economy, two paychecks can go a long way toward raising children in a positive environment. Just because I'm for moms staying home doesn't mean I'm against moms working.
How can this be, you ask? I am against moms resenting their lots in life. I have to stay home. I have to work. The family can feel this. You've all heard the saying if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy! This is so true. The children can sense your anxiety, anger, bitterness, depression, etc. The younger the child, the more likely he/she will blame themselves for your unhappiness. It's important that you find a way to own your role. If staying home with your children makes you feel like you're not pulling your weight, you're wasting your degree, you're not really working, etc, then instead of finding another role for yourself, simply change your way of thinking and become the best stay-at-home mom you can be.
Where I am not against working mothers, it isn't where my passion is. I want to open the eyes of all the mothers out there who have chosen to stay home, and perhaps give them the validation they've been craving.
I am here to encourage you. You are doing a great work by staying home with your children. They may not thank you for it, but you will see the rewards as they grow. When a parent stays home to take care of kids and house, the home becomes a safe haven. Sometimes we mothers feel like just another fixture on the wall that everyone takes for granted. Everyone just assumes supper will be ready when they come to the table. Everyone simply expects clean underwear in their drawer, enough snacks in the cabinet, clean dishes. And, although you may smell like spit-up, can't remember your last shower, and fell asleep at the dinner table, let's be honest. Your husband simply expects you to be "in the mood" when you come to bed.
What if this wasn't the case? What if everyone in the house had to fend for themselves? Would your children rush through the door after school, talking, smiling, and looking forward to their afternoon if they had to forage and make their own snacks, wash the dishes, make supper, and do the laundry? Would your husband leave the office at 5:01 and hurry home with a smile on his face if he knew that there was no supper waiting on the table for him? That, no matter how tired he was, he'd have to wash, dry, and iron tomorrow's work clothes?
Sometimes this way of life is just the way it goes. I was very sick early in my marriage and there were times when Mark and the kids did have to "take over" the housework. They did it willingly and lovingly, but I always felt an undercurrent of stress wafting from them. I also saw how tired they became; how more arguments broke out, less meals took place around the table, how much less my husband smiled. They did not realize this. They were doing their best to take up the slack. When I was recovered and began to pick up my old responsibilities again, there was a noticeable shift in attitude throughout the house. It's as if everyone sighed with relief all at once. Again, they didn't seem to notice this. But I did. I may be invisible some of the time and taken for granted. But I'm necessary. Moms are necessary.
This is only one of many blogs to come on this subject. I welcome your input. Remember today to look at your role as one of importance and own it!
What happened to taking pride in the home? I don't mean the kind of pride that goes before the fall. I mean the kind where you have self-respect for knowing you are doing your best for our family. Before your feathers are completely ruffled, let me also say that I respect working mothers. I know that in today's economy, two paychecks can go a long way toward raising children in a positive environment. Just because I'm for moms staying home doesn't mean I'm against moms working.
How can this be, you ask? I am against moms resenting their lots in life. I have to stay home. I have to work. The family can feel this. You've all heard the saying if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy! This is so true. The children can sense your anxiety, anger, bitterness, depression, etc. The younger the child, the more likely he/she will blame themselves for your unhappiness. It's important that you find a way to own your role. If staying home with your children makes you feel like you're not pulling your weight, you're wasting your degree, you're not really working, etc, then instead of finding another role for yourself, simply change your way of thinking and become the best stay-at-home mom you can be.
Where I am not against working mothers, it isn't where my passion is. I want to open the eyes of all the mothers out there who have chosen to stay home, and perhaps give them the validation they've been craving.
I am here to encourage you. You are doing a great work by staying home with your children. They may not thank you for it, but you will see the rewards as they grow. When a parent stays home to take care of kids and house, the home becomes a safe haven. Sometimes we mothers feel like just another fixture on the wall that everyone takes for granted. Everyone just assumes supper will be ready when they come to the table. Everyone simply expects clean underwear in their drawer, enough snacks in the cabinet, clean dishes. And, although you may smell like spit-up, can't remember your last shower, and fell asleep at the dinner table, let's be honest. Your husband simply expects you to be "in the mood" when you come to bed.
What if this wasn't the case? What if everyone in the house had to fend for themselves? Would your children rush through the door after school, talking, smiling, and looking forward to their afternoon if they had to forage and make their own snacks, wash the dishes, make supper, and do the laundry? Would your husband leave the office at 5:01 and hurry home with a smile on his face if he knew that there was no supper waiting on the table for him? That, no matter how tired he was, he'd have to wash, dry, and iron tomorrow's work clothes?
Sometimes this way of life is just the way it goes. I was very sick early in my marriage and there were times when Mark and the kids did have to "take over" the housework. They did it willingly and lovingly, but I always felt an undercurrent of stress wafting from them. I also saw how tired they became; how more arguments broke out, less meals took place around the table, how much less my husband smiled. They did not realize this. They were doing their best to take up the slack. When I was recovered and began to pick up my old responsibilities again, there was a noticeable shift in attitude throughout the house. It's as if everyone sighed with relief all at once. Again, they didn't seem to notice this. But I did. I may be invisible some of the time and taken for granted. But I'm necessary. Moms are necessary.
This is only one of many blogs to come on this subject. I welcome your input. Remember today to look at your role as one of importance and own it!
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Save Yourselves
Top Ten Reasons To Finish College While Still Young Instead Of Coming Back At 40:
10. Odds are you won't be older than your professor....your advisor....all the kids in your class.
9. Your distractions can be summed up by your social life instead of by housework and kids.
8. Your jokes will be understood by your classmates instead of you having to explain things like what "Wang Chung" is or who Alex P. Keaton is.
7. You won't be frustrated or annoyed by stupid questions from your classmates....because they probably won't seem stupid. (i.e., "So, how many questions will there be and how many can I miss and still pass?")
6. Your body-chemicals are still functioning normally and walking across a campus in the heat and humidity in order to get to your next class on time doesn't leave you heaving and sweating profusely by the time you enter the classroom.
5. You will understand all technology without batting an eye....instead of having to enlist the help of your 8-year-old to navigate the school website.
4. Bad grades roll off your back instead of plaguing you into the night.
3. Your thoughts range as far as the next hour instead of having to plan and organize a month in advance so your kids have meals, your husband has clean clothes, the house isn't disgusting and you have five minutes here and there to work on school-work.
2. Your dreams are still in their first phase...instead of the third phase, which is "Okay, I'm never going to be that so I need to concentrate on this."
1. The number one reason you should stay in college while you're young instead of trying to muddle through as a middle-aged adult is this... You're able to start over multiple times, change your major, try different things, without the loud ticking of a clock in your head. You have forever ahead of you. Everything is possible.
10. Odds are you won't be older than your professor....your advisor....all the kids in your class.
9. Your distractions can be summed up by your social life instead of by housework and kids.
8. Your jokes will be understood by your classmates instead of you having to explain things like what "Wang Chung" is or who Alex P. Keaton is.
7. You won't be frustrated or annoyed by stupid questions from your classmates....because they probably won't seem stupid. (i.e., "So, how many questions will there be and how many can I miss and still pass?")
6. Your body-chemicals are still functioning normally and walking across a campus in the heat and humidity in order to get to your next class on time doesn't leave you heaving and sweating profusely by the time you enter the classroom.
5. You will understand all technology without batting an eye....instead of having to enlist the help of your 8-year-old to navigate the school website.
4. Bad grades roll off your back instead of plaguing you into the night.
3. Your thoughts range as far as the next hour instead of having to plan and organize a month in advance so your kids have meals, your husband has clean clothes, the house isn't disgusting and you have five minutes here and there to work on school-work.
2. Your dreams are still in their first phase...instead of the third phase, which is "Okay, I'm never going to be that so I need to concentrate on this."
1. The number one reason you should stay in college while you're young instead of trying to muddle through as a middle-aged adult is this... You're able to start over multiple times, change your major, try different things, without the loud ticking of a clock in your head. You have forever ahead of you. Everything is possible.
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
No Right Answers
In light of the recent passing of celebrity Robin Williams, I felt the need to rehash some of the old frustrations regarding misconceptions about depression. Robin Williams was a depressed individual. I don't know his heart; nor do I know for sure the details of his death. I know that he is reported to have been an alcoholic and used to abuse cocaine.
I also know he was hilarious. His gift for comedic presence was beyond most I've ever witnessed and I always looked forward to whatever was going to come out of his mouth next. God gave him a unique gift that Williams used to lighten the moods of the depressed around the world. If you never laughed with Robin Williams, then you truly missed greatness.
But he was depressed. As a person suffering clinical depression myself, I didn't blink at this. However, I know for many, there was a reaction of, "What did he have to be depressed about? He had everything! A family, more money than he even knew what to do with, talent, fame..." This is what I want you to hear. If you read no further or blank out for the rest of this message, hear this. Depression is not about what you do or do not have. Buying the right house, receiving the right paycheck, marrying the right person....none of these things matter regarding depression.
If your spouse was diagnosed with diabetes, would you say, "Why do you have diabetes? What could you possibly be lacking in your life? What do you want...a new house? A new life?" No. You'd get the proper insulin or prescription necessary and help your spouse deal with it. If your mother was diagnosed with cancer, would you respond with, "Why would you choose to have cancer? There are so many reasons not to have it!" Nope. Again, you'd see it as a battle to fight against.
Depression is not the fault of the one who has it. Sometimes there are chemical remedies that help. Therapy, support groups, books, music...tons of help out there. But nothing that I've found or researched actually takes it away. God can. God can completely deliver a person of any affliction. I do not pretend to know God's plan or why He does or does not cure this person as opposed to that person. His plan is perfect and we are to simply know that sometimes we do not get to know.
Back to depression. It exists. It is real. And it is something that will plague a person in the most unexpected situations. It is not the same as being in a bad mood. Grieving, sadness, discouragement, disappointment, loss, rejection, devastation, etc... These are emotional phases. These are things people can go through. They are awful and must be dealt with. They can lead to depression. But they are not depression. Why? Because there is a reason behind each of the emotions/situations listed above. For depression, there doesn't have to be any known rhyme or reason; sometimes it's not possible to look back and pinpoint an exact moment when depression set in.
I mentioned that I am depressed. Right this very minute, I'm feeling pretty great. My boys are playing the wii; my daughter is enjoying one of the last mornings of summer to sleep in; my husband just left for work; and I just had a conversation with my bathroom scales about what numbers need to show up. Good day. However, there have been days where all I want to do is crawl back under the covers and cry and sleep. It can be a day where my children are singing, my husband is cooking and cleaning, the sun is shining, there's nothing but fun on the calendar. And I am feeling the weight of depression heavily on my heart.
My husband used to ask me, "What do you think is wrong? Did you have nightmares? Are you upset about something?" Now he knows. There's no answer. So now he says, "I'm sorry, Honey. No worries. You sleep. Tell me if you want me to hold you while you have a good cry. You're not disappointing anyone or letting anyone down. No one is upset with. We love you. I'll pray the 'black cloud' (as I call it) leaves quickly." THIS is the right answer.
Depression can be debilitating. At the risk of sounding like a public service announcement or the voice at the end of an After School Special, if you or someone you know is sad a lot with no obvious reason, get help! It's out there. In fact, look beside you next time you're at church, at the store, on a bus, taking a walk... you'd be surprised who else out there is dealing with the same thing.
I also know he was hilarious. His gift for comedic presence was beyond most I've ever witnessed and I always looked forward to whatever was going to come out of his mouth next. God gave him a unique gift that Williams used to lighten the moods of the depressed around the world. If you never laughed with Robin Williams, then you truly missed greatness.
But he was depressed. As a person suffering clinical depression myself, I didn't blink at this. However, I know for many, there was a reaction of, "What did he have to be depressed about? He had everything! A family, more money than he even knew what to do with, talent, fame..." This is what I want you to hear. If you read no further or blank out for the rest of this message, hear this. Depression is not about what you do or do not have. Buying the right house, receiving the right paycheck, marrying the right person....none of these things matter regarding depression.
If your spouse was diagnosed with diabetes, would you say, "Why do you have diabetes? What could you possibly be lacking in your life? What do you want...a new house? A new life?" No. You'd get the proper insulin or prescription necessary and help your spouse deal with it. If your mother was diagnosed with cancer, would you respond with, "Why would you choose to have cancer? There are so many reasons not to have it!" Nope. Again, you'd see it as a battle to fight against.
Depression is not the fault of the one who has it. Sometimes there are chemical remedies that help. Therapy, support groups, books, music...tons of help out there. But nothing that I've found or researched actually takes it away. God can. God can completely deliver a person of any affliction. I do not pretend to know God's plan or why He does or does not cure this person as opposed to that person. His plan is perfect and we are to simply know that sometimes we do not get to know.
Back to depression. It exists. It is real. And it is something that will plague a person in the most unexpected situations. It is not the same as being in a bad mood. Grieving, sadness, discouragement, disappointment, loss, rejection, devastation, etc... These are emotional phases. These are things people can go through. They are awful and must be dealt with. They can lead to depression. But they are not depression. Why? Because there is a reason behind each of the emotions/situations listed above. For depression, there doesn't have to be any known rhyme or reason; sometimes it's not possible to look back and pinpoint an exact moment when depression set in.
I mentioned that I am depressed. Right this very minute, I'm feeling pretty great. My boys are playing the wii; my daughter is enjoying one of the last mornings of summer to sleep in; my husband just left for work; and I just had a conversation with my bathroom scales about what numbers need to show up. Good day. However, there have been days where all I want to do is crawl back under the covers and cry and sleep. It can be a day where my children are singing, my husband is cooking and cleaning, the sun is shining, there's nothing but fun on the calendar. And I am feeling the weight of depression heavily on my heart.
My husband used to ask me, "What do you think is wrong? Did you have nightmares? Are you upset about something?" Now he knows. There's no answer. So now he says, "I'm sorry, Honey. No worries. You sleep. Tell me if you want me to hold you while you have a good cry. You're not disappointing anyone or letting anyone down. No one is upset with. We love you. I'll pray the 'black cloud' (as I call it) leaves quickly." THIS is the right answer.
Depression can be debilitating. At the risk of sounding like a public service announcement or the voice at the end of an After School Special, if you or someone you know is sad a lot with no obvious reason, get help! It's out there. In fact, look beside you next time you're at church, at the store, on a bus, taking a walk... you'd be surprised who else out there is dealing with the same thing.
Saturday, June 28, 2014
The Sick Girl
Laying on the examination table yesterday waiting to be told when I could stop holding my breath, I was deep in thought. While the technician was x-raying my sacrum, I thought about all the people in the world going through the same thing, only alone. See, even though I had to hold my arm a certain way and lay in an uncomfortable position that caused some pain and I had a thin sheet over my legs because my jeans were around my ankles....Mark and the kids were out in the waiting room. They would be smiling and encouraging when I was finished here. Mark had already promised to take us all out for lunch. Almost like a fun summer day with just a little trip to the hospital thrown in.
When I'd checked in at the front I told Andrea, the woman at the helm, that I noticed she'd gotten some sun since I'd seen her last. She smiled and updated me on her summertime fun with her son and then checked me in. I got to go back and do the whole admissions process with Sheila. Not only do I know Sheila from church, she's walked me through this admissions process more than once. I love her smile and aim to see it every time I sit in her cubicle. Yesterday she said, "I'm praying for you, Kim, but I'm not worried. When you lose your sense of humor, THEN I'll worry!" And that's what started me thinking about how blessed I am.
The morning had started as normally as those recently before it. For the past several weeks, I've had numerous and varying symptoms that, put together, have baffled who I've come to call my "Dream Team". I have always wanted to be a mysterious woman....didn't quite picture it this way however. Let me just name some of the symptoms. You'll see why, alone, they are not alarming...not even worth more than Tylenol or maybe a Z-Pack. But put together, they are something of an enigma.
Fever (spikes to 102 during the night; medicine at its max brings it down to 99.8)
Joint pain
General flu-like feeling
Loss of appetite (although I never seem to luck into the "weight loss" symptom!)
Headache
Dizziness
Chest pain (not shortness of breath or heart-related...more like muscle aches)
Forgetfulness (more than the normal "what did I come into this room for?")
Abdominal pain
Back pain
.........Did I mention I was bitten by a tick?
All test results for tick-fever, lyme, etc, were negative. They even re-checked. We treated it anyway. Doxycycline (after the Z-Pack). Symptoms persisted. In fact, I remember one day a few weeks ago...I had gone in to the doctor's office to hear the results of the latest blood tests and CT scans. While I was there, my wonder-nurse Lisa took my temp (routine). Next thing I know, she's wrapping a blanket around me and giving me a big pill to swallow. Guess my fever had spiked. Again.
While waiting for test results, I was also waiting to feel better. I was told to call immediately if I experienced new symptoms. I thought surely I should be experiencing fewer symptoms!
We waded through the miry pit of four possible diagnoses before realizing this was bigger than the average "don't feel good" virus. I lost track of what all we tested for. It was interesting at first and I paid close attention. But the appointments started going the same....like we hadn't gotten it right yet and needed to have several takes. Lisa.....fever.....blood pressure low....accelerated heart rate.... PA Mendy...very thorough....lots of questions that I can only answer "kinda"......PA Nicole...worked in Rheumatology for five years and knows her stuff.....lots of questions that I could honestly answer "I don't know".......taking blood and trying not to stick where I've already been stuck and trying to navigate around the I-look-like-a-junkie bruises....new antibiotic (third one so far)....have we x-rayed this?.....have we tried MRI?....websites.....sitting with my "Dream Team" and Googling my symptoms.....visit the hospital...new tests.....
It can get discouraging. Especially when new symptoms are fantastical. I hear myself talking with the "Dream Team" and think, "Are they buying this? This doesn't sound real at ALL!" But they always buy it. They test and prove it. It's almost as if they are convincing me of my own illness. Oh, you're probably wondering what kind of symptoms could cause me to doubt my own health-status.....one example is cold thigh. Go ahead, Google it. For I-don't-know-how-long, I've had this patch on my upper right thigh that's cold like I've just had an icepack on it. Weird. I didn't hide this, it just never occurred to me that it was an actual symptom. Frankly, I chalked it up to being overweight. Maybe poor circulation due to fatness. You know? Nope...real symptom.
Another one just came up this past week. It was yet one more thing I hadn't associated with the realm of symptoms. I had become obsessed with cleaning my eyeglasses. They were so scratched and dirty and I couldn't imagine what the film was that covered both lenses. Then, for no reason I could think of, my eyes became dramatically bloodshot. Not a little bloodshot. Full on I-just-swam-for-thirty-hours-smoked-some-weed-and-haven't-slept-for-two-weeks bloodshot. I called the doctor the next morning. Of course, they wanted me to come right in.
Turns out there's no film on my eyeglasses. I was sent to my eye doctor, post haste, and he examined me up close and personal. Get this... there are so many white blood cells directly behind my corneas right now that I'm seeing them. I see as if I'm looking through thick fog, smoke, or frosted glass. Google Temporal Arteritis. See what you think.
Anyway, back on that exam table, waiting for Jane to tell me I could breathe, I just realized that, even if I didn't have Mark and the kids physically with me, I'm still not alone. Even if I didn't have Andrea-at-the-front-desk, Sheila-in-admissions, the "Dream Team", Linda-my-friend-working-with-my-other-friend-the-eye-doctor, and all of those who are there every time with a smile and a needle stick....I'm still not alone.
No matter how this turns out (and I know it will be perfect and wonderful), I must always be careful to remember how important it is to smile and keep that sense of humor. I must always try to serve others even while I'm being served. I must always remember I am never alone.
Oh....wow....better call the doctor. I feel a new symptom....
When I'd checked in at the front I told Andrea, the woman at the helm, that I noticed she'd gotten some sun since I'd seen her last. She smiled and updated me on her summertime fun with her son and then checked me in. I got to go back and do the whole admissions process with Sheila. Not only do I know Sheila from church, she's walked me through this admissions process more than once. I love her smile and aim to see it every time I sit in her cubicle. Yesterday she said, "I'm praying for you, Kim, but I'm not worried. When you lose your sense of humor, THEN I'll worry!" And that's what started me thinking about how blessed I am.
The morning had started as normally as those recently before it. For the past several weeks, I've had numerous and varying symptoms that, put together, have baffled who I've come to call my "Dream Team". I have always wanted to be a mysterious woman....didn't quite picture it this way however. Let me just name some of the symptoms. You'll see why, alone, they are not alarming...not even worth more than Tylenol or maybe a Z-Pack. But put together, they are something of an enigma.
Fever (spikes to 102 during the night; medicine at its max brings it down to 99.8)
Joint pain
General flu-like feeling
Loss of appetite (although I never seem to luck into the "weight loss" symptom!)
Headache
Dizziness
Chest pain (not shortness of breath or heart-related...more like muscle aches)
Forgetfulness (more than the normal "what did I come into this room for?")
Abdominal pain
Back pain
.........Did I mention I was bitten by a tick?
All test results for tick-fever, lyme, etc, were negative. They even re-checked. We treated it anyway. Doxycycline (after the Z-Pack). Symptoms persisted. In fact, I remember one day a few weeks ago...I had gone in to the doctor's office to hear the results of the latest blood tests and CT scans. While I was there, my wonder-nurse Lisa took my temp (routine). Next thing I know, she's wrapping a blanket around me and giving me a big pill to swallow. Guess my fever had spiked. Again.
While waiting for test results, I was also waiting to feel better. I was told to call immediately if I experienced new symptoms. I thought surely I should be experiencing fewer symptoms!
We waded through the miry pit of four possible diagnoses before realizing this was bigger than the average "don't feel good" virus. I lost track of what all we tested for. It was interesting at first and I paid close attention. But the appointments started going the same....like we hadn't gotten it right yet and needed to have several takes. Lisa.....fever.....blood pressure low....accelerated heart rate.... PA Mendy...very thorough....lots of questions that I can only answer "kinda"......PA Nicole...worked in Rheumatology for five years and knows her stuff.....lots of questions that I could honestly answer "I don't know".......taking blood and trying not to stick where I've already been stuck and trying to navigate around the I-look-like-a-junkie bruises....new antibiotic (third one so far)....have we x-rayed this?.....have we tried MRI?....websites.....sitting with my "Dream Team" and Googling my symptoms.....visit the hospital...new tests.....
It can get discouraging. Especially when new symptoms are fantastical. I hear myself talking with the "Dream Team" and think, "Are they buying this? This doesn't sound real at ALL!" But they always buy it. They test and prove it. It's almost as if they are convincing me of my own illness. Oh, you're probably wondering what kind of symptoms could cause me to doubt my own health-status.....one example is cold thigh. Go ahead, Google it. For I-don't-know-how-long, I've had this patch on my upper right thigh that's cold like I've just had an icepack on it. Weird. I didn't hide this, it just never occurred to me that it was an actual symptom. Frankly, I chalked it up to being overweight. Maybe poor circulation due to fatness. You know? Nope...real symptom.
Another one just came up this past week. It was yet one more thing I hadn't associated with the realm of symptoms. I had become obsessed with cleaning my eyeglasses. They were so scratched and dirty and I couldn't imagine what the film was that covered both lenses. Then, for no reason I could think of, my eyes became dramatically bloodshot. Not a little bloodshot. Full on I-just-swam-for-thirty-hours-smoked-some-weed-and-haven't-slept-for-two-weeks bloodshot. I called the doctor the next morning. Of course, they wanted me to come right in.
Turns out there's no film on my eyeglasses. I was sent to my eye doctor, post haste, and he examined me up close and personal. Get this... there are so many white blood cells directly behind my corneas right now that I'm seeing them. I see as if I'm looking through thick fog, smoke, or frosted glass. Google Temporal Arteritis. See what you think.
Anyway, back on that exam table, waiting for Jane to tell me I could breathe, I just realized that, even if I didn't have Mark and the kids physically with me, I'm still not alone. Even if I didn't have Andrea-at-the-front-desk, Sheila-in-admissions, the "Dream Team", Linda-my-friend-working-with-my-other-friend-the-eye-doctor, and all of those who are there every time with a smile and a needle stick....I'm still not alone.
No matter how this turns out (and I know it will be perfect and wonderful), I must always be careful to remember how important it is to smile and keep that sense of humor. I must always try to serve others even while I'm being served. I must always remember I am never alone.
Oh....wow....better call the doctor. I feel a new symptom....
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Gold Medalist Mama
Athletes who train for the Olympics are insanely disciplined. They are focused on one goal and do not deviate from striving toward it. They maintain a strict regimen and enjoy very few luxuries along the way. One of the many differences between an Olympic athlete and a Non-Olympic athlete is who they are representing. They are not representing themselves, a team, or an advertising sponsor as much as they are representing their home country. This is a huge burden as well as a huge honor. They are under scrutiny all of the time; their time is not their own. They must endure impossible expectations and they do it publicly.
As mothers, we are often called to a higher standard of living because our lives are no longer our own either. We now hold tiny trusts in our arms. We represent hearts that have been entrusted to us. We must endure ups and downs in such a way as to remember that we are now living examples of the future for our children. We are the first female in their lives and will set the pace for their view of mothers, wives, women.
There's no clocking out at the end of the day. Motherhood requires a lifetime commitment. We're all in. Motherhood also requires help. Olympians not only have physical trainers and nutritionists to make sure they remain in top condition, but they have mental health professionals on stand-by. Being an Olympian is mentally taxing. Not only must the athlete stay focused and primed for performance all the time while living in a world of those taking breaks, vacations, adventures, but they must also be willing to choose their sport over relationships.
As a mother, we make the decision to be our children's guide before being their friend. We must also be willing to get rid of negative relationships that, while might be tolerable for a woman on her own, would be a bad mix with children.
This comparison is more intense than Ninja Mama and Super Mama. It sounds like being a mother is no fun. On the contrary. Fun is part of the deal. Olympians love their work. Passion is just as important as commitment...in fact, it's the driving force. And mamas absolutely must be passionate about loving their littles.
Commitment, discipline, sacrifice, passion.... Welcome to motherhood. Now get up there and get your well-earned gold medal!
As mothers, we are often called to a higher standard of living because our lives are no longer our own either. We now hold tiny trusts in our arms. We represent hearts that have been entrusted to us. We must endure ups and downs in such a way as to remember that we are now living examples of the future for our children. We are the first female in their lives and will set the pace for their view of mothers, wives, women.
There's no clocking out at the end of the day. Motherhood requires a lifetime commitment. We're all in. Motherhood also requires help. Olympians not only have physical trainers and nutritionists to make sure they remain in top condition, but they have mental health professionals on stand-by. Being an Olympian is mentally taxing. Not only must the athlete stay focused and primed for performance all the time while living in a world of those taking breaks, vacations, adventures, but they must also be willing to choose their sport over relationships.
As a mother, we make the decision to be our children's guide before being their friend. We must also be willing to get rid of negative relationships that, while might be tolerable for a woman on her own, would be a bad mix with children.
This comparison is more intense than Ninja Mama and Super Mama. It sounds like being a mother is no fun. On the contrary. Fun is part of the deal. Olympians love their work. Passion is just as important as commitment...in fact, it's the driving force. And mamas absolutely must be passionate about loving their littles.
Commitment, discipline, sacrifice, passion.... Welcome to motherhood. Now get up there and get your well-earned gold medal!
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Super Mama
I love Super Heroes. Super Man, Batman, Wonder Woman, Spider Man, Captain America, all of them. They are iconic for those of us who love justice. They also remind me of mamas.
Most super heroes begin their journey into heroism very roughly... made fun of in school, bitten by a creature, abandoned, orphaned, abused, forgotten, etc... They hit the crucial moment of decision, will they become bitter, self-destructive victims? Or will they rise above tragedy and make their lives about serving others...anonymously?
Super Heroes are followed, adored, and often very misunderstood. In fact, super heroes are often very lonely beings. When they are "themselves" and not heroed up, super heroes are regular people with regular jobs. Even though it would not do for Green Lantern to pout, or for Black Canary to whine; although seeing Aqua Man disappointed or watching Robin's heart get broken is unheard of; as regular people, they suffer regular emotions. But they do not give in to them. They make it their business to notice injustice and then quietly, they do something about it. They sacrifice their own hopes, dreams, and desires in order to create a better world.
They cry alone and they do not accept praise graciously. They take on worries, concerns, and seemingly insurmountable burdens. When it comes to doing good, there is no question, there is no rest. Their happiness is only as strong as the happiness of those they love.
It is not far fetched at all to say that Mamas are Super Heroes. It's a bird! It's a plane! No!! It's your Mama!
Most super heroes begin their journey into heroism very roughly... made fun of in school, bitten by a creature, abandoned, orphaned, abused, forgotten, etc... They hit the crucial moment of decision, will they become bitter, self-destructive victims? Or will they rise above tragedy and make their lives about serving others...anonymously?
Super Heroes are followed, adored, and often very misunderstood. In fact, super heroes are often very lonely beings. When they are "themselves" and not heroed up, super heroes are regular people with regular jobs. Even though it would not do for Green Lantern to pout, or for Black Canary to whine; although seeing Aqua Man disappointed or watching Robin's heart get broken is unheard of; as regular people, they suffer regular emotions. But they do not give in to them. They make it their business to notice injustice and then quietly, they do something about it. They sacrifice their own hopes, dreams, and desires in order to create a better world.
They cry alone and they do not accept praise graciously. They take on worries, concerns, and seemingly insurmountable burdens. When it comes to doing good, there is no question, there is no rest. Their happiness is only as strong as the happiness of those they love.
It is not far fetched at all to say that Mamas are Super Heroes. It's a bird! It's a plane! No!! It's your Mama!
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The Fabulous Five
We strive to make memories that will always lead us into the Light
