Therapy (7) {Coffee Break}

Every therapy session for six weeks has been emotionally harrowing for me. I've had to spend the week in between just recovering. It's been battle every time I walked through the doors and sat on that couch. Triumph after triumph I've left that office feeling weary, bruised, and shaken. Last week, if you'll remember, I took a trip back in time. The battle fought last week was one of epic proportions and tremendous outcome. I spent every day and night afterward just slowly reviving my strength and letting God continue to wash the new healing over and through me. By the time I walked back that office and sat down on that couch yesterday, I was only just starting to perk back up and feel a bit of energy. I didn't know how I'd be able to handle another session but I trust M.T. What I came away with from my seventh therapy session that I want to pass along to all of you is break time. Some things take more out if us than others and therefore require more rehabilitation time. M.T. wanted me to just talk to her. She didn't guide the subject or project a goal; she listened. We actually laughed a few times. It was like sitting and having coffee with a good friend. When is the last time you did that? It's a therapy all it's own. M.T. did respond to each subject I talked about. Her responses were positive, complimentary, encouraging, and uplifting. And let's remember what I've said before...M.T. is no joke. She doesn't "small talk," or schmooze, or tell you what you want to hear. When she makes uplifting comments, they are solid and full of truth. It was an hour of spiritual massage. My emotions took a deep breath. It was exactly what I needed. Please don't think we weren't productive though! We were! At the end of the session, as we were winding up our conversation, I realized I was not tired, I had not cried, but most importantly, I was thinking so clearly! The trauma I endured had its part in molding me into who I've been. Last week, we crumbled some of that and began rebuilding me. I'm like a choose-your-own-adventure story. I've reached the end of this chapter and I don't like where it's going. So, I'm going back to the beginning and taking a different path. It's the long-wished-for do-over! When I drove away from therapy session number seven, I felt an excitement building within myself. There was a life choice I could make right now that would change my course forever...for the better. I've been planning on going back to school in the Fall. And NOW I know exactly what my major will be. What I've always wanted to be but thought I wasn't smart enough. I was too scared to follow my dream before. But that fear is gone and only joy and determination is left in its place. I know without a doubt this is what I'm supposed to do with my life. And now I'm ready. You can probably guess. The point is to allow yourselves more healing time when necessary. Beating yourself to the point where you have to heal from your healing will be counter-productive. And don't underestimate a simple break in the action. That break may be just the mind-clearing moment that will change your life.

On Behalf of My People...

I've spent 6 weeks sharing with all of you my journey of healing. You've read about my therapy sessions and you've cheered me on. I am constantly spouting phrases like "we're strong!" and "we can do this!" It may seem like I am dressed in armor and battling with my head held high all the time. How discouraging for those of you walking this path with me. At least it would be for me. I don't ever mean to give the impression that this is easy or that I am in a constant state of triumph. Today, on behalf of all those emailing me their personal stories and reading my story for inspiration, I want to share the down-time. Most mornings, I get up grudgingly, get my mug of caffeine, and go sit in the living room. I FaceBook, watch T.V., play word games, and tell my five-year-old "just a minute" a lot. Sometime later, I get dressed in the most comfortable thing handy after assessing if I can go yet one more say without a shower. I make an attempt to do something productive...start a load of laundry, OR a load of dishes, OR put some things away. Then, as my energy is usually shot again by this point, I go back to the living room. I've placed the cheese slices, apples, and bananas where Luke can reach them and get his own snack. He's happy to come talk to sometimes and I usually don't even have to listen. I keep my Bible nearby and force myself to open it at some point and read a verse or two. I watch more T.V. I make myself get Luke lunch. My lunch is usually the same as breakfast...a mug of caffeine. Do you see a theme here? Going through an intense emotional battle can numb your brain to everyday tasks; it can take away all motivation; it messes with your appetite; it makes you exhausted beyond anything you've experienced. For all my sisters out there struggling through the muck to reach healing, it's okay. Allow it. Tap in to the supprt system you have around you and let yourself check-out for a little bit. If you don't have a support system, email me. I am not in a place right now to hold you up, but, Friend, I can introduce you to many who are and will! http://www.onceuponahousewife@gmail.com. I am wearing my armor. I am running head-first into battle. But make no mistake. I am a zombie on even the best days.

Bible-Thumping Rant

For some reason, I am so annoyed this morning. I'm annoyed that the last and present generations have smeared oil all over the Holy Bible in the name of annointment but with the motivation of slipping around in it to suit their purposes. I strive to not be self-righteous. I never want to be judgemental. And the caution in this has actually stopped my tongue on several occasions. Sometimes, however, the truth needs to be shared. This truth comes from God's Word, not Kim's opinion. You ready? We've smudged that oil around on the pages of the Bible until those black and white words created gray areas. WE made those gray areas. Not God. Let's clean it up. "Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God." (1 Corinthians 6:9,10) Now that's pretty black and white. And before you get all set to slash my tires, remember that I'm not the one who said it! It's not okay with God to get drunk, have an affair, live a homosexual lifestyle, steal, cheat, idolize anything or anyone that's not God, or talk ugly about someone. If you're doing any if these things (and believe me, this is for me too!), there's good news. If we're willing to give it up, there's a chance. In the very next verse it explains that those are baptized into Christ are covered. We're good. We're safe. (Whew!) We do have to give up the sinful lifestyle though. That's the tough part. And the tougher part is knowing and loving someone who's living in sin and thinks it's all okay because they've been baptized. It's not. Again, this is NOT The Gospel According to Kim!! You have no idea what my opinion is on any sin. You have no idea what sins I struggle with. I will only share God's opinion...it's the only one that matters. And, no, this Bible-thumping rant is not directed at anyone personally. It's directed at me. I need to remind myself that, although it's easier and preferable to live you're-okay-I'm-okay type lives, it is clear and simple that sin is sin. Love is also love and any of you who truly know me know I love fiercely. I love YOU fiercely!

Therapy (6) {Parental Discretion Advised}

Six weeks. Six weeks ago I walked into what would soon become my safe haven. I sat for the first time on what I would come to think of as my couch. I opened up to a woman who would soon become my map reader in an important journey. Six weeks ago, I began therapy...and I've brought all of you along with me. After laying the foundation, discovering tools and skills to use, seeing healing as a reality, and feeling the positive changes within me, M.T. decided I was ready for a field trip. On this sixth week of therapy, what I came away with that I want to pass along to you all is light. This field trip required no physical travel. We were going to revisit a memory...go back in time. No DeLorean necessary. (Although I did have the temptation to yell, "Great Scott!!") M.T. led us back to a certain room. This room was an upstairs room with nothing but an old mattress in it. It was THE room. Attrocious things happened in this room. To say the least, I was not excited about this trip. M.T. assured me of my safety and urged me to enter the room as I am today, a 38 year old wife and mother. I was able to walk in and view the little girl-me on that mattress. I almost turned and ran, but I was not alone. M.T. had come too and was standing right beside me. She walked right into the room with boldness and purpose. I thought she was going to pull the dark figure away from little girl-me, but she didn't. She walked to every wall and created a window, then she opened every one, letting in beautiful light. She didn't stop there. She walked to the center of this room and opened up the rooftop! Light flooded in! It was warm, luxurious light. But there came an even brighter light from somewhere in the room. M.T. urged me to look at the mattress. Seriously? This dirty mattress laying on the dirty floor of this dirty man's house had taken up residence in my heart and would not be washed clean. Standing there in this room, in my mind, I could smell the evil. I smelled him. I smelled his flesh and heard his whispering voice, which was sickening with arousal. I could not look. As I've said before, M.T. is no joke. She firmly encouraged me to look. And I did. That light, the mysterious light that had added such a glow to the room, was coming from little girl-me! From her-my inner core, this pure, white light emanated and shone. I saw things clearly for the first time in decades. What God had intended for me; what God had formed in me; what God had entrusted to me was locked safely away inside me. Unreachable. Purity, worthiness, innocence...it was there in that core light that lay out of his reach. My strength, abities, gifts, and talents were all bound tightly inside me where he could never touch. My potential, my laughter, my dreams, my joy....all there. Locked. He could paw away and never reach them. I saw the soul God had breathed into the body this creature would soon violate and that soul was intact! That soul was encased in light. Inside of little girl-me. Inside of 38 year old wife and mother me! It had always been here. I had focused so long on the handprints he'd left on the outside that I'd ignored the completely fresh and untouched light inside! Pretend with me that you were locked safely inside your home while Satan scratched at your door. When morning came and he was gone, would you then put your life's focus on your scratched up door? Everything inside, everything of value, is safe...unharmed! Please hear me. The trauma is real. The liberties he took on that mattress, that hayloft, all of the places he saw opportunity...were wretched. He was wrong and committed vile acts. It is imperative now for me to let the scratched door be what it is. It is scratched. It is marred with the finger-lashes of Satan. And the treasure behind the door is safe. That must be acknowledged as well. All of the facts are important! I must see what happened in the past with eyes seeking whole truths. For your own journey, if you can, go back to THE room. See the light. It is there. It is still there inside of you! After such an exhausting session, I've spent the last few days sleeping or lounging about. Tonight, Mark is taking me out to dinner. Part of me doesn't want to put forth the effort of getting gussied up. But I have only to close my eyes to see little girl-me, light shining, and I think, "She deserves a night out!" She's finally getting the respect she's longed for...from her 38 year old self. Continue sharing your journies with me through emails and texting. I love all of you and I KNOW you are strong enough to plow on in this healing process! This little light of mine? Well...I'm gonna let it shine!

Therapy (5)

Have you ever cried so hard that your nose was still red the morning? Your eyes still burn and your throat is sore? That was me Wednesday morning. According to M.T. I've transitioned into a new phase of therapy. During the first four sessions, we laid the foundation. Information, information, information! I am all about information. Knowledge is power. I can research. I can dig. I wrap answers around myself and feel secure with all the pieces fitting neatly in place. I think there was a bug part of me hoping that therapy was going to put all the pieces together for and then I'd be done. What I never considered was what would happen after I had all the information. I had previously typed up this long post about the therapy session only to have it disappear!! Instead of going into all that detail again, I'm simply going to say this. Having all the answers helps tremendously. It is not, however, the end of the journey. Learning who said what to whom; whose motivation was what; who did this; who didn't do that...these things certainly help me. I do want to understand everything as it truly took place. But it's what I do with all of the information that matters. And M.T. is has made it clear that this is going to be hard, painful, exhausting, and sometimes dreaded. I think you all know me well enough to know my reply. Bring it. Let's do this!(this will have to post full of typos because I'm not risking the whole save-edit-save-preview-save-post.)

Therapy (4)

Ahhhhhhhh. What was life without therapy? First of all, before talking about the actual session, let's cover some basics you should know. If you're thinking about beginning therapy, here is one standard I'd recommend you uphold. It's a deal-breaker. Look up the words "safe" and "haven." Now, when trying out a therapist, you determine if his/her office and demeanor exudes "safe haven." If they do not, this is not the therapist for you. Be discerning. Do NOT, however, be immature and use this "safe haven" measure as an excuse to drop a therapist when really you're just afraid. You can do it! Now, let me share what I've learned about how to get the most out of your therapy experience. Ladies, don't wear eye makeup. I mean, honestly, if you're not crying at some point, you may ask yourself if you're truly opening up. Secondly, wear comfortable clothes. Pajamas are even okay (unless you're in therapy because you have a fear of getting dressed or something). After your sessions, you're going to be tired. Preparing your family's meals ahead of time will help you tremendously those first few days after your session. Enough? You want to get to the juicy stuff? Okay. Yesterday was my fourth session. What I took away that I want to share is innocence. Are you innocent? What about when you were young? 10 years old...innocent? For those of us living as adults who were traumatized as children have generally not ever felt innocent. I remember being five years old, kneeling at my bedside, begging God to forgive me and take away that icky feeling. I didn't know what I felt guilty about, but I felt guilty nonetheless. I spent the rest of my life feeling dirty, ashamed, less-than. And I never could really find the horror that needed confessing. Because, of course, there was no horror for me to confess. The horror that happened did not rest on my shoulders. It was not my decision to do what was done to me. That little girl who was being violated was as innocent as any other little girl. Acknowledging that is HUGE. Take time this week to delve into your past. See yourself with honest eyes. If you're living with memories of childhood trauma, please let go of the guilt inside of you. Wrap the child inside of you up and love her. She is precious. She is innocent.

Therapy (3) {Time is on my side}

Hot on the heels of Therapy 2 is my third session. The schedule has changed and my sessions are now on Tuesday mornings. This is perfect for me! Okay, I neglected to mention in the T-2 post that the flower I planted was a lily. It is so beautiful! I haven't gotten another flower yet, in honor of this third session, because I'm torn between another lily or an iris. Thoughts? So, M.T. opened our session with "How was your Easter?" You all probably asked and answered that same question all week right? And I'm willing to wager your answers sounded something like, "Great!" "Super!" "Spent it with family. Really enjoyed it." "Hunted eggs. Lot of fun." My answer? "Miserable." M.T.'s response? "I thought so." She knew Easter was riding the coattails of our second session. She explained that my emotions are very raw right now. No fun. But necessary. What I brought away from the session that I want to pass on to all of you is time. "There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven..." Ecclesiastes 3. When the time to cry is upon us, we cannot also expect it to be the time to laugh. When the time to be silent is present, we cannot also be in the time to speak. So is it with the time to heal. When we are healing, we need to expect nothing more from ourselves than healing. In this present day of quick-service, multi-tasking, instant-gratification we must simply stop and check the time. I wish sometimes that I was in a Harry Potter universe with a wristwatch that said "Cry...Laugh...Born...Die...Embrace...Refrain..." and so on. If we recognized the correct time for each moment, we'd be so blessed. I encourage you to recognize and acknowledge what time it is in your life right now. Ask God to show you and then revel in it. As I said, for me it is a time to heal. It will always be the time to cook, clean, kiss boo-boos, and carry on the tasks of the day. But knowing that this is a time of healing for me makes it so much easier to know that I am allowed to cry, be exhausted, have a short-temper, be less motivated, and be prone to silence. It also helps me to thank God for this time, knowing that, "He has made everything beautiful in its time." What time is it for you? And how are you acknowledging it?