Dear Mrs. Unloved...

Dear, Mrs. Unloved~

I hesitate even to address this to you in that manner because none of us is unloved.  But it's your moniker of choice and I respect that.

Your letter, groomed and edited for discretion is as follows:

Dear Kim,

I'm writing this email to ask you about love in a marriage.  I've been married to my husband for twelve years and there are a lot of times that I feel like he doesn't love me.  I know he loves me when things are going good and I know he'd never leave me but sometimes if one of us is stressed or in a bad mood I can't feel any love at all.  I guess what I'm asking is is this normal?  Is it really a good marriage if sometimes there's no love?
Signed,
Unloved

My dear, first of all, YES.  Feeling love is going to be the come-and-go feature in your marriage for a lifetime.  The foundation of love never leaves, however.  You have the answer in your heart.  You said to me, "...I know he'd never leave me..."  That is confidence founded on a secure relationship.  That is love.  Love is sometimes invisible because we are looking for it to be a certain shape or color and it isn't any.  It is simply there.  But when all the lights in your marriage seem to be out, look deep into the dark without blinking and you'll find it.  Love will be that tiny candle of security burning with all it's might until the lights come back on.  It will be hard, but during these dry moments you mustn't look to your husband for any kind of emotional sustenance.  You must look to God.  God will fill you up.  And as the emotion of love comes back into your relationship with God, it will inevitably be present in your marriage as well.
I hope this has helped.  Please email me in a month or so and update me!
Love,
Kim

Modes of Mod and Modesty

This is not your average "girls-please-don't-wear-tight-skirts" blog post.  I think we are aware of what's modest and what is not.  If you are unaware, just ask someone over the age of 40 at your church to come go through your closet.  There.  Now, I'd like to talk about the misconception that wearing modest clothing means sacrificing style.  This is the opposite of truth.  (That means, it's a lie)  Modest fashion has a name...it's called "Classic."  Look at "Classic" styles throughout the ages and show me something immodest.  (Go ahead.  Google "Classic style fashion images".)  There may be a slightly lower-than-wished-for neckline, but nothing plunging.  There may be an above-the-knee dress, but nothing revealing.  Classy, classic styles are always in and most of the time appropriate for any and every occasion. 

I've also been told that daring personalities simply cannot always dress modestly because modesty is boring.  Really?  What is your style?  Bold?  Dramatic?  Colorful?  Make-a-Statement?  Welcome to this wonderful website I found...  http://www.littlenaturalcottage.com/bold-modesty-fall-fashions-that-defy-frump/  Modesty has nothing to do with personality...It is not only for the boring or the shy or the introverted.  Modesty is a statement of self-respect and standards.  It's been my experience that the most bold and strong of women are those with healthy self-respect and standards.  Having that personality and then dressing like a cougar or desperate bar-fly just nulls and voids all the hard work you've done in being as strong as you are! 

I want to plug the "retro" look for a moment as well.  Mod is not all mini-skirts and peasant blouses.  Check out some of the Rockabilly style sites and pick something amazing that you can be proud of yourself in. 

In summation, I am not against beautiful, caught-off-guard, in-your-face fashion!  I am against degrading yourself and believing that's pretty.

Respect yourself and demand that respect from others through your fashion sense!!

Dear Kim

And so it begins... 

I've been asked over and over again to start an advice column.  So here it is.  Go ahead...ask me something. 
Send questions/issues to:
onceuponahousewife@gmail.com
and I will post and answer accordingly.  There will be complete discretion and anonymity.  Your emails will not be seen by the public.  Your questions will be modified to protect your identity.  Posting the problem-and-answer helps so many others struggling with the same thing.

So....what's on your mind?

Mama Me-Uh...

Being a mom.  This is something I've wanted ever since I can remember.  I knew that being a mom meant hard work.  I knew there would be worrisome times and challenges.  But I didn't have a clue as to the details.  I'm starting to learn now...

Being a mom means determining between and the importance of...
a hurt/emergency cry and a playing/no worries cry.
too dirty to go to bed without a bath and we'll-scrub-you-in-the-morning
what constitutes a spanking offense versus a good talking to (versus a let-it-slide)
what Daddy needs to know.  ;)
when a situation calls for a trip to Sonic for ice cream
how to be tough when your heart is breaking inside
when to let it be worn, even though it's been worn twice already without being washed
praying with, for, and over the child
pushing through exhaustion you never knew existed
allowing credit to always go to the child, even though YOU'RE the one who REALLY did it
controlling the unbelievably strong urge to lash out in anger
when to laugh it off and when to settle down
knowing that there will eventually come a day when you can go to the bathroom by yourself again
letting your child cry in the middle of the super market with everyone staring at you because it's more important for the child to get it out of their system than to hush them for others' comfort.
the difference between grace and consequences
realizing that consistency with discipline is so much harder for you than for the child
continuing through illness, anger, hurt, and fear
sacrifice
sacrifice
sacrifice
love always.

It is my greatest honor to be a mom.  I do not do it well and on occasion do it miserably.  But that's the most important lesson of all.  I am the only mom they have.  I can only be the best mom I can be from day to day.

Okay? Okay.

I'm a student of human behavior and how the mind works.  I love watching television shows about serial killers and police investigations because it amazes me how differently the mind can work in different people.  I love researching brain functions and psychological findings for the same reason.  There are several things I've learned and am still learning.  One thing I'll share today is how I've discovered that, generally speaking, everyone wants to know that it's okay.  Whatever we think, feel, do, or want is okay.  It's the root of all insecurities.  We want to know that our opinion is okay.  We want to feel that our life-choices are okay.  We want our style of dress, our ambitions, our hair, our homes, our vehicles are okay....accepted....allowed....normal.

In light of this, we see every apology as a plea for the response, "It's okay."  When we tell someone, "I'm sorry," and they reply, "That's okay," don't we feel tons better?  I remember when I was very young I told a lie.  When I confessed it to my mother and said how sorry I was, she said, "Good."  I said, "But it's okay?"  She said, "No."  I said, "But I'm sorry!"  She said, "Good."  I said, "Mama!!  I'm sorry so now you tell me it's okay!"  She said, "Kimberly, nothing we say or do will ever make telling a lie okay.  Saying you're sorry, and I do believe you mean it, still does not erase the lie.  It does not make the lie okay.  You are okay.  You are forgiven and you are okay.  But I'm glad you're sorry for the lie."  This was huge to me!  Sometimes things are NOT okay!  This is something that has stayed with me my whole life.  Knowing that some things are never going to be okay has helped me in my focus to strive for those things that will ALWAYS be okay.  Light, goodness, hope, peace, love...

Is it okay to wear my hair as an orange Mohawk?  Yep.  That's okay.  Is it okay to walk out of my house naked?  Nope.  That's not okay (on so many levels!).  Being different is so okay.  Immodesty is never okay.  Media, Hollywood, those in the public eye (mainly the women) have made immodesty a statement of style.  Cleavage, thigh, etc...it's just "who they are".  It's okay because they are famous and beautiful and proud of their bodies.  Well, la-tee-da.  Immodesty is never okay.  I'm not talking about situational immodesty; giving birth requires a portion of immodesty, surgery, changing in the locker-room, and emergencies calling for ripped clothing, etc.  Even in these situations, however, there is no need to go beyond what is required.  What happened to decency?  Wearing a beautiful new swimsuit is so much fun.  Men do not get just what a new swimsuit, in just the right color, fitting just the right way can do for a woman.  We love it!  It is a high!  But if it is immodest, it's not okay.  Get my drift yet?

Sin is not okay.  Back to my lie.  White lies, lies of protection, lie by omission, lies of convenience... these are not okay.  But, this is somewhat universally recognized.  Let's get controversial.  Homosexuality is not okay.  Gay marriage is not okay.  Living a homosexual lifestyle, whether or not you are doing so monogamously, is not okay.  I wish it was.  God says it isn't and therefore it isn't.  Hear me.  Homosexuals are okay.  Homosexuality is not okay.  Confusing?  Remember what my mother said?  Nothing we say or do will ever make the lie okay....I am okay...the lie is not.  Homosexuals bear a cross I cannot fathom.  They command a strength of self-denial that goes beyond my mental grasp.  And yet, they are called to live without homosexuality.  This is not for us to understand or to judge.  In fact, we (the Church) should (in my opinion) be more outspoken about our desire to HELP them with this struggle!  If we saw someone single-handedly attempting to pull a three-ton boulder down the road, we'd offer our help.  How much easier it would be if thousands banded together to help move the boulder!  Do not leave them to pull it by themselves and for pete's sake, don't just stand their gaping at the fact that this is their lot. 

It's not okay to gossip.  This is one of my crosses.  I justify gossip in the name of "I'm just concerned...I need to share...this person needs prayers..."  You know what?  It's not okay.  No amount of good intention will ever make gossip okay.  It is not.  Ever.  Okay.  It is not okay to be the one speaking it NOR the one hearing it!  This is so hard for me!  I'm a talker.  I do not reveal secrets.  I do, however, share my experiences with people that are unfavorable.  I "vent".  "THEN she was so rude to me!"  Not okay.  "......unwholesome talk.....only that which lifts others up...."  Sound familiar?  I fail at this.  Daily.  It's accepted and even encouraged so much of the time.  I'm even told that it's okay!  But it's not.

It's not okay to have an extra-marital affair.  It's not okay to steal or cheat or hate.  It's not okay to treat your spouse in any way other than how Christ treats His church.  It's not okay to slander or kill or judge.

You know what IS okay?  Loving everyone even when what they are doing is not okay.  Loving and accepting are two VERY different things.  Understanding this is crucial to our society and our religion.

It's okay to have standards.  It's okay to love our GOD unapologetically!  It's not okay to judge or force our concepts on others.  "Oh," you say, "But, Kim, aren't you judging by telling us what is okay and not okay?"  No.  If it were up to me, my friends, it would ALL be okay.  I can justify ANYTHING!  I am a lover...it's been said, "Kim, if it were up to you, you'd just love everyone to Heaven."  Love is what I do.  This "okay" and "not okay" comes from God.  We are given a guideline.  Read what He has to say and live by it.  It is simple.  The "gray" areas are created by us. 

I have lost friends.  I may lose more today.  And as Mark and I are trying to teach our children, losing friends is okay.  Compromising God's Word is not okay.  Okay doesn't mean easy or happy or preferred.  In fact, so much of "okay" is hard and requires much sacrifice.

Please just remember.  Ours is not to seek "okay".  Ours is to glorify God.  That is ALWAYS okay.
Okay?

A Tale of Two Families

Here's a week in the life of two families I know; the First Family:

Their week started with Husband getting up and getting the kids ready for church.  Wife of course wasn't going.  She hardly ever goes.  She just sits and escapes into the computer or a book.  Husband, in his frantic efforts to get everyone fed and dressed and out the door, forgot to give Third his medicine.  No one noticed this until later that evening...when Third wouldn't stop crying over everything.
Monday began with no one wanting to get out of bed.  Wife had to get up because she had to go to school and then meet Husband to take First all the way to Little Rock for medical tests.  Husband had three things to coordinate before leaving and so was stressed; wife was her usual do-as-little-as-possible self; everyone was a little tense about the appointment for First.  First, it turns out, would need to come back on Halloween for a procedure.  She would miss school parties and most of Trick-or-Treating.  Husband bought her ice cream to cheer her up but the ice cream was not mixed well and it tasted awful.  That evening was full of running errands and fulfilling obligations.  Bed finally came, but not before Wife determined that the dishes and laundry could wait yet another day.
Tuesday was hard from the first minute.  Husband had to leave town on business and wouldn't be returning until late Thursday night.  Wife puttered around while Husband got all of his things together.  Finally, heading out the door, he picked up his suitcase only to realize, too late, that he'd forgotten to zip it.  Wife watched as he repacked everything and then waved to him from across the room as he left for his trip.
Wife sat down and looked at the week set before her.  Today she was so sad for her friends who had lost a dear friend of theirs.  She was at a loss for something to do for them.  Also, she had obligations to fulfill all day long and a test in her class the following morning!  Instead of picking all the kids up in one swoop, she had to pick Second and Third up and then an hour later go get First.  Regular schedules were confused because there were Parent/Teacher Conferences (that she had to attend alone because Husband's out of town).
Wednesday meant class again for Wife, after taking a test she wasn't completely prepared for, and then a doctor's appointment, and then cleaning house like crazy because the in-laws are coming on Friday.  Church Wednesday night was always hard because Third is always cranky and sleepy the minute church is over, making bedtime such a pain.
Thursday would be a day of chaos.  Last minute house chores, finishing up homework, and preparing for in-laws.  Also, although Husband returns to town Thursday, no one would see him until midnight or so because this weekend is Bison Days at school...busy busy busy!
Friday is Second's birthday.  Wife has to have his card-with-money ready meaning a trip to the bank for change and getting a card and also making sure the house is clean and groceries are stocked and everyone's clean and happy because the grandparents are coming!

It makes me tired to witness this family in action.  Let's talk about the Second Family:

Their week started off with Husband whispering to Wife as she was waking, "I know you had a rough night because of your back injury.  Just lie still and I'll take the kids to church."  Wife got up slowly and sat in her chair.  She watched her sweet family helping each other tie shoes and comb hair.  She wished she could join them this morning but the pain of sitting in a pew for an hour wouldn't allow it.  To distract herself from her sadness, she did some work on her computer and studied her book.  That evening, Third was in sore spirits because he hadn't had his medicine that morning.  Without hesitation, Wife gave him a dose and within 20 minutes all was well.
Monday was a flurry of activity...school...work...  Wife is blessed to be able to take a class and is loving it.  Often this class is the highlight of her week.  After class, she and Husband pick up First and go to Little Rock for a doctor appointment.  It's about a 45 minute drive and, because it's so rare for just the three of them to be together (without Second and Third), they just visited and enjoyed the time.  On the way home, they got some ice cream which First ended up not liking.  Husband said, "Don't eat that, Honey!"  He took it from her and she said, "But I don't want it to go to waste."  She looked and saw it was already gone.  Husband, with a little ice cream on his mouth, said, "Um...no worries."  That night was filled with fellowship and service during a church function and then early bedtime for all.
Tuesday morning, Husband had to go out of town.  Because Wife had missed her chiropractic appointment Monday, she was moving very slowly.  She couldn't even rise to kiss him goodbye but he winked and she waved and they knew all was well.  Because her friends were experience a loss and she wanted to help in some way, Wife was so happy to get to keep the baby of her dear friend and professor.  What a sweet baby!  Wife had forgotten how sweet and chubby and cuddly they can be.  She didn't wash a dish or dust a surface all day.  She just loved on that sweet baby.
Wednesday would mean church and Bible class.  Usually Third needs extra encouragement to stay the course until bedtime, but Wife was prepared and had a little snack for him when the time came to go to class.  The rest of the week would go just as smoothly because, despite the chaos, Wife knew that all that was dear to her was as it should be.  Her in-laws would be arriving on the weekend... just in time to spoil the grandkids so Wife could help Husband with his busy schedule at work.  How blessed Wife felt.

Of course, you realize this is the same family as the first one.  It's all about attitude.  You can have a great week or an awful week and it has nothing do with your schedule, the status of your house, the people around you, your physical health, or what you plan or don't plan.  It's.  All.  About.  Attitude.  I hope you choose to have a great week!

A Fly on the Wall

We've been told, "I wish I could be a fly on the wall at your house!"  Well, if you had been one last night, this is what you would've witnessed.

After Math Night and Choir Concert, the five of us arrived home tired, hungry, and a bit on the cranky side.  But there was work to be done.

Back up with me to 3:30 that afternoon.  I picked the kids up from school and as they were jabbering away in the backseat, Phoenix said, "Guess what.  We played Heads-Up Seven-Up in class today and I cheated and nobody knew!"

Um...what?!

I had just pulled into a parking place at Neighborhood Market where I'd hoped to do some very quick grocery-shopping.  I asked Phoenix, "You cheated?  For real?"

Phoenix said, "Yes ma'am."

I said, "Phoenix, did you think that was part of the game?  To try and cheat without anyone knowing it?"

With a little more solemnness, he said, "No ma'am."

I said, "So, you knew it was wrong and you cheated.  Okay.  I'm not as upset about that as I am the fact that you sounded proud of it."

We had fought off the other baskets and won our own squeaky-wheeled prize by this time and were headed for the lunchmeat.  I didn't want to have this conversation here.  So I said, "Phoenix this isn't okay.  We're going to talk about this tonight when we get home."

Working to put that on the back burner and now concentrate on unit prices, I heard Maggie tell Luke, "LUKE!  NO!  That's against God's Law!"  Now, those of you who know our family also know we are about the least judgmental people inside the Kingdom.  Tolerance and love weave together the blanket we all live under.  So I turned around and asked, "What in the world did he do?  Kill the can of peanuts?"

Maggie said, "He's singing Three is a Magic Number [from Schoolhouse Rock] and instead of singing 'A man and a woman had a little baby', he sang 'a mama and a woman had a little baby'!!"

So I said, "Maggie, lighten up.  Luke, don't sing it wrong."

Luke said, "Why is that wrong?"

And that's why those of you who decided to also do your grocery-shopping at the Neighborhood Market witnessed me having both the Sex Talk and the Homosexual Impossibility of Conceiving Children Talk right there in the frozen foods section.

"...It just won't work.  Sex is between a man and a woman.  Now, grab those frozen peas and let's go get shampoo."

The day was just beginning.

Flash forward now to 8:00 p.m.  We're home from our activities...tired...hungry...a little cranky.  Luke isn't great at sitting still for very long unless it involves mathematic revelations or some new form of rhetoric.  So, as he passed Maggie on his way to change into pajamas, he said, "You have a pretty voice, Maggie.  Good job singing.  Next time I might just want you to sing your song for me here at home though so I don't have to go and sit and watch and all that." Maggie just rolled her eyes.

Meanwhile, as Mark scarfed down his supper, I filled him in on the Phoenix dilemma.  We decided to just get it over with.  While we were explaining what can happen to a person's heart when they begin to be okay with dishonesty, even something as trivial as a game of Heads-Up Seven-Up, the other two children had quietly come in and were listening too.  When we'd cried and hugged and assured Phoenix we love him, we heard Maggie crying.  I said, "What's the matter??"

She wailed, "I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING!!!!!"  Mark and I exchanged glances that said, "buckle up."

Mark said, "Come here, Sweetheart.  Whatever it is, just relax and tell us.  You know we love you no matter what."

She said, "In Kindergarten, I cheated at Heads-Up Seven-Up too!  WAAAAAAHAHAHA!!!"

The mascara she wore for her concert was streaming down her face and I gave Mark a warning glance as I heard him mutter something about Alice Cooper.  We got her settled and I noticed that this had cheered Phoenix quite a bit.  He got a warning glance too.  We hugged them and told them they are good and not to be so hard on themselves and that we love them...go brush your teeth and go to bed.  But Maggie didn't budge.  She said, "There's more."  (I sent Luke to my bathroom to get make-up remover)

She proceeded to tell us about an assignment in Kindergarten she said she read but in fact had skimmed and a lie she'd told in second grade.

We couldn't laugh it off.  This was obviously very serious business to her.  It took about twenty minutes to assure her that she's a good person and we still love her. 

I told Mark that perhaps we'd made a mistake even broaching the subject of confession if this is what it brought.  He said, "No, it was good.  Funny, but good.  If they get it now, we won't have problems later." 

So, as is part of our teaching, if you tell us the truth, you will not be punished.  There will, however, be consequences.  The difference between punishment and consequences is important to know.  We punish for deceit.  We help them make the consequences of their deceit as painless as possible.  So, this morning, when I dropped the kids off at school, I walked with Phoenix to talk to his teacher.  He confessed to her that he had cheated.  She told him how proud she is of him and that she knows of no other 2nd Grader who would've had the courage to own up to his cheating.  Phoenix held back his tears stoically as she hugged him.  He looked at me and I saw the relief in his eyes.  It was over.  He'd gotten it all out and the worry and guilt were gone.

Such a little thing, cheating at Heads-up Seven-Up.  But I think if we'd let it go with a, "Well don't do that again," it wouldn't have had the same life-learning power.  We learn so much through our children.  If my son can bring his sin into the light at the risk of losing his teacher's respect, then surely I can do the same. 

In the fourth grade, I cheated at Heads-Up Seven-Up.  I'm sorry.