Just got back from therapy. I went in feeling good, came out feeling good, did battle in between. You KNOW it's a good session when you can say all that! When I began talking to M.T. (she let's me rattle), I didn't know where I'd end up. I felt like things were going pretty well. They are going well, yes, but there are still many areas needing work.
I like a plan. I like a plan so much that when things don't go according to plan, I kind-of have a little imploding moment that never bodes well for anyone within striking distance.
I have an anger problem. It wasn't a problem earlier in life. I had reason to be angry; but more than that, my anger had been honed and crafted into a very effective coping skill...my fierce anger protected me in any and every vulnerable situation. If I felt the least bit threatened (in any way...at all) or even the POTENTIAL of something as mild as a snide comment, I was armed and ready. I could cut you within an inch of your life with my words and you'd never forget it.
I like a plan. See, I'm not just talking about a nice schedule or a daily routine. Yes, those are wonderful! I'm talking about from the moment I wake up to the moment I lose waking consciousness, I must be able to predict most every situation. I must anticipate even the most mundane posibilities.
Crankiness used to come into play whenever any scenario played out that I had not anticipated. Something lasting longer than scheduled. Someone planning something at the last minute. Finding no more Diet Dr. Pepper in the fridge. It doesn't take much.
But no more. I'm safe now. Somehow I must re-craft the anger into emergency-only-mode. Get angry when there's a bear in the camp...not when we just ran out of popcorn in the camp. My first level of Operation Anger Depletion is no more yelling. This will be no easy task...but it's in play as we speak. The next time something goes against the plan, I will NOT yell at whoever is in the line of fire. I will not. I will not. I will not.
Crud. I hit something on my laptop just now and it erased four long (beautifully written!!!) paragraphs!!!!! I'm not yelling. Nope. Not even a little rise in the voice. Just going with it.
In the past, if that would've happened, I would've deleted what I had left, slammed the laptop closed and been frustrated for several hours.
Not this time. I'm going to post this anyway...it's missing quite a lot of eloquently conveyed points, but so be it. It is what it is.
Not yelling.
Let's see how long this lasts.
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The Fabulous Five
We strive to make memories that will always lead us into the Light
2 comments:
hang in there. i am so proud of you for all you are doing. sometimes i wish i were back with my therapist.
thank you. you can do it too. there are still therapists. :) you can start back on the journey anytime you're ready. you'll certainly have my support!
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