Narcissistic Tendencies

I like to pretend sometimes that I have control. Even of little things. I plan my day, knowing some things won't pan out, knowing I must remain flexable, but still thinking that at least SOMETHING I've decided on will come to be...and that if it does, I can pat myself on the back for being so organized.

I also like to pretend it's up to me whether or not people like me. I mean, to be sure, I must do my part (as far as it is up to me...). However, I take even that which is not up to me on my shoulders, which sets me up for the feeling of stress, worry, and ultimately either failure or misplaced pride. Let's go deeper here. I just really like to be liked! But only by people who used to like me but then stopped liking me for some reason. I don't resort to stalking...but just short of that. You surely know what I'm talking about...like a break-up. Say I break up with you but then hate that you don't like me anymore! What's your problem? And my kids! I don't let them watch certain t.v. shows or eat certain foods or say certain words but does that mean they get to resent me? *phh* These are in jest, of course, but there is one situation I struggle with. For real.

I wronged her. Kind of. There was something she wanted and I ended up getting it. It never would've been hers anyway, whether I got it or not...and I talked to her about it before hand. But after this thing came in to my possession, she completely stopped talking to me...except to say, "You've never known how to be a good friend. And not only are we not friends anymore, but I will never forgive you."

Now, before we get all "How dare she?!" let's be perfectly clear. I was a jerk in her eyes. I could've handled things much more gently. I took for granted the fact that she could never possess this thing, no matter what, and so it simply made sense to me that, since it WAS possible for me to have, I should go for it! I didn't go after it because she wanted it. In fact, I'd spent the last year helping her do whatever it took to attain it. I did everything in my power to see that she would get this thing... and one day, it was made clear to me that she could never have it. Ever. I still didn't know I was remotely interested in having it. But after a little while, just as you cannot choose certain aspects of your life, I became aware that this thing was mine already...without me ever realizing it.

Oh, we all know what I'm talking about here and most of you know who and where and why and bla bla bla...but let's pretend I'm being subtle. I truly want to vent this and I just as truly DON'T want to hurt anyone in the process.

It's been over eight years now. I have gone to her; written to her; called her; emailed her; prayed and prayed and prayed. I sought wise counsel and was advised to let it be. But....how? How can I just let it be? I have this need for her to acknowledge, as things turned out, she didn't really want this thing to begin with! I want validation. I want her to apologize for cutting me off and calling me a bad friend and not even listening to anything I had to say. I'm selfish in this agenda. I know it. It would seem I just want to feel better.

What about her, you ask. What about her feelings? She felt betrayed. I get that. I even apologized to her, multiple times. After the situation became clear, I must assume to both of us, that this thing we thought we had a choice in was never in our control. This thing was the decision maker and had chosen to come into my possession without any action on any of our parts. I didn't steal this thing. I didn't compete for this thing. But I still understand her feeling like I betrayed her.

And it's been almost a decade. Why do I still feel a gnawing inside of me at the knowledge that she still hates me? Am I that narcissistic? Help me out. It so happens, as most of you know, that every couple of years I dredge this up and begin pining away for closure. What I need to do is let it go. Again.

I know.