The Mommy Syndrome

Once you have it, it's always with you. I am constantly noticing runny noses, untied shoes, sleepiness, unfocused daydreaming, the pee-pee dance, the overwhelming desire to scream, wet diapers, dirty faces, hugs-in-wanting, tears-about-to-overflow, outside-voices, and too-quiet-to-be-up-to-anything-good.

I am constantly aware of the lack of "yes, ma'am", the shoulder shrug, the mumble, the inside sunglasses, the refusal-of-eye-contact, the slumped posture, the pull-up-your-pants-please!, the eternal pout, and the I'd-rather-be-anywhere-but-here-stare.

My kids participate in all of these at some points. And I do something about it! C'mon, parents! Let's be active! I don't want my kid to be the adult that no one wants to play with....the kid who becomes the adult no one wants to be around... the kid who becomes unhappy with himself but doesn't know why.

Sure...let a kid be a kid. Play, joy, imagination, giggles, fun, games, mischief, jokes, silliness, discovery, faith, innocence, trials, and goodness are all mandatory for childhood. To some of our children, these things do not come naturally and must be nurtured and cultivated. It's our job to do that. I really don't see a problem here in most cases. We want our children to be happy. We'd do anything to get a smile out of them. We hurt when they hurt so we do anything to keep from breaking their hearts. We make excuses for them when there are pending consequences. We ignore certain behavior to avoid conflict. We allow their individuality to become selfishness in the name of open-minded parenting.

Stop it.

When your child gets in trouble, it is NOT our job to cover it up, make excuses, say everything's okay, or come to their defense. YES, we love our children! It is our job, BECAUSE we love them, to stay beside them every step of the way. We must support them and hug them AS they pay the price. This doesn't, as so many parents fear, convey to them that we think they're bad or we don't care. Just the opposite, in fact. It tells them that, no matter what, we are always here for them and love them. It says, "Yes. You messed up. I've messed up too. I understand and am right here as you struggle through this life-lesson." When they don't get their way or their plans don't go as they want, it is NOT our job to re-manipulate the situation so that our sweeties are happy again. It's our job to convey to them that life will do this to them over and over and their reaction to it is more important than the actual plan not coming to fruition.

Parenting is so much more than runny-noses and untied shoes. The future DEPENDS on our efforts in discipline and active involvement in what's BEST for our child (not what's comfortable at the time!).

Preachy preachy. Yes, I know. And those of you who know me know that this must be a lesson I need badly myself. :)

I preach what I myself need to hear. My daughter is going through a difficult time right now. She has auditioned for a play, didn't make it; tested for a program, just missed it; and is now wanting to try-out for the swim team and has only had minimal lessons (I know she won't make it).

When she didn't get into this certain program I was so devestated. It was hard to encourage her when I really wanted to go down and have a "talk" with the administrators. Why would they NOT accept her? She's bright, sweet, selfless, determined, ethical, brilliant, etc... I had several sleepless nights over this. So did Maggie. It reminded me of a time in High School when I didn't get into a certain program. My mom DID go down and have a talk with one of the people in charge and was told that the program was directed toward students who needed the extra-curricular "club" because they needed the confidence...and they thought I didn't. Hooey. But I remember feeling like I'd let my mom down. I know now I didn't; that she was hurting for me. So, when Mark DID go and talk to one of the people in charge, he didn't tell Maggie he was doing it.

Then, right on the tail of this disappointment, was her failed audition. She sang a beautiful solo, did a choreographed dance, followed stage direction perfectly, was bold, etc...and didn't make it. I was crestfallen for her. I wanted to fix it! How could they NOT choose her! But then I remembered how I tried out for cheerleader for four years in a row and never won. I put myself out there for everyone to see and everyone knew that I had never made it. There was cruelty and fun-making. It was miserable. When I did become cheerleader, it was only because a certain girl had moved away and they were bumping up the names on the list. Because a small amount of girls had tried out and they could only accept so many, only one girl had not made it. Me. And, yay, now by default I got to join. So good for the self-esteem to know that I was the absolute least popular girl in the entire school.

And I remembered how my parents handled that. They held me while I cried and then told me how proud they were of me. They assured me that High School popularity in no way defined me. This didn't sink in until years later, but my subconscious heard it. That's what I needed. To know that I could fail and still not let them down. That was more important than them fighting my battles for me.

So, when Maggie's name was not on the cast list, I held her. She actually didn't cry. She handled it with grace and took time to read over the list to see if there were girls she knew so she could congratulate them. She told me she knew she'd done her best, that she'd been very good, and that they just couldn't choose everyone. I thought, "Boo-Hoo! She doesn't need me!!!"

But wait. She doesn't need me.....to define her....to be her strength...to keep her from building her own life and personality. Cool.

So I was in a quandry. Do we let her try out for the swim team? We KNOW she will not make it. But, is that the point? Mark told me just yesterday that he is going to let her try out. He said it's good for her. My first impulse was to argue...to shelter her from pain, embarrassment, disappointment...from a character-building experience, life, growing pains. I must trust my daughter. I must use disappointments to help her grow. And I must NOT convey to her that I don't think she's good enough.

It's hard. But I guess if it was easy, there wouldn't be parenting classes, books, counselling, etc... As parents, let's encourage each other!

We can do this!! And so can our kids!!