Anger Rising...

Well, as expected, this new No Yelling Policy was put to the test immediately. Boy, did I wanna explode last night!

Oh, but first, let's rewind. A few weeks ago, I said the next leg of this journey is about understanding the reasons behind decisions I've made. You know...the if-I-could-go-back-I'd-do-it-all-differently decisions. Well, don't think I've derailed. Anger is the beginning. I remember making decisions based solely on the feeling of rage. This is where we begin and if I don't get it together, we may not move forward!

Last night, Mark and I went to one of the kids' Open Houses for school. It didn't take long for my insecurities to kick in...just stepping onto a school campus triggers them. I saw all the perfect moms. Tan, blonde, buffed, shined, styled and smiling. Children walking obediently beside them with matching hairbows and clean, pressed clothing. Having had therapy yesterday, I was wiped out. I was wearing my oh-so-baggy pants, had not a stitch of make-up on (and let's remember that I bawled my eyes out earlier), and only washed hair...not moussed, dried, and styled hair. No jewelry. Nothing really matched. My toenail polish was chipping. I hated every woman in the building. Anger rising.

I spent the entire Principal-Speech-Orientation-Bla-Bla-Bla calming myself. Good grief. These women deserve come credit. If they can run a household and still show up looking like diamonds, then way to freakin' go. I mean, way to go. Yes. Good. Very good for them. I could look good. If I wanted to. I mean, if I wanted to and had the energy and money and....Okay, let's move on already.

We got to the designated classroom, found our child's name and little desk. I started brightening immediately. The bookshelves, the calendar, the wall-art, the fun activities...Oh, I know this will be a good year! The teacher seems nice. What's this? I spy a name at one of the desks...a classmate from last year that is a best friend! Oh, how wonderful! I begin looking at other names. Oh, for the love of all that is right. There it is. The name of the Nemesis. And the Nemesis has a mom. The mom who always does everything perfectly. The mom who goes on all the field trips. The mom who is at the school involved in every micro-detail every time I show up and who makes me feel pittied somehow for not being as involved as she is. Anger rising.

At least the best friend is there. Until I talk to best friend's mom and find that they're actually probably going to home school this year. WHAT?!!!

Mark, take me home.

This may seem ridiculous to most of you. However, remember I have an anger problem and it takes so little to trigger it these days. Nemesis-and-Mom in my kid's class. Perfect.

I started to rant on the way to the car. I didn't yell. I did not ONCE raise my voice. I didn't hurl a stapler at anyone. I didn't curse...wait. Hmm. Well, I didn't come home and begin plotting the year to come.

I prayed. I prayed and I asked Mark to help keep me grounded. And here's something interesting. Mark brought this wisdom to the table. Why do I care? What does it matter to ME that this mommy needs to be there every minute of her child's day? Why do I care that everyone always loves her? Why do I care that she politics all year so that her child always gets all the Best-Freakin'-Person-in-the-World Awards? Why? I'm not jealous. I just have issues with that type of personality. And that's irrational. Let it go.

Deep breath.

Let her be what she is. Let what happens happen. It's not in my control. I can be the best mom I can be and that has nothing to do with the other mothering going on.

I. Will. Not. Be. Angry. Over. This. :)

(Ask me how this is going in couple of weeks!)