When Real is Real Annoying

It occurs to me as I lick my bowl that there's a little "slob" in me. It was a great pasta dish, I'm all alone in my own home, and there was sauce left at the bottom of the bowl! Yummy! So, if there were people here, would I have still licked the bowl? If I was at a restaurant, would I lick the bowl? No. No I wouldn't. Does this mean I'm a fake?

I know people who say, "I am comfortable with myself. What you see is what you get." And that's great. We should all be confident enough to show our true colors, stand by our own opinions, follow through with our words, and unapologetically sport our own style. I encourage this full-speed! In fact, I refuse to define beauty, success, love, reason, comfort, or style in any kind of general sense. These things are defined by each person for themselves. When you see my children wearing polka-dots with stripes, orange with red, hair sticking straight up, flip-flops with taffeta... just know it's not negligence. It's Mark and me setting a foundation of what's appropriate and modest, and letting each person in the house decide what makes THEM feel beautiful and stylish.

But, if I lick my bowl in private, should I lick my bowl public? I mean, I digressed a little with the whole beauty-style-definition thing. Real is real, right?

I believe I can be real and still NOT lick my bowl in public.

I knew a girl in college who was herself, her earthy-natural-selfy self, all the time. No matter where we were. She was sure of herself and didn't seem to need anyone's compliments or assurance. This was such a respectable quality. And I was totally put off by her. I cringed when I knew she would be around. Oh yes, what you saw is what you got. She passed gas, picked her nose, scratched, burped, and yes she licked her bowl. Gross. Not gross because she did all of those naturally human things. Gross because she did them where I could see her.

I'm all about being my own person bla bla bla. But, people, it's not about that. It's about considering others. To thine own self be true? Yes, in the privacy of your own home, feel free to be as true as thine own self would like. But hopefully, within you, there is a true sense of respect that will give you the common sense to hold your tongue when needs be, keep private things private, and observe politeness when politeness is called for.

I know this girl who, in the dorm rooms, would entertain us all by burping the alphabet in two octaves. I still smile just thinking about it. But she would never have done that in public. She was true to herself AND respectful of others.

You're not being fake by having manners.

The Last Dog Days of Summer

Our dog is sick. Most of you know this. Some of you don't, so I'll just tell you about it. One day, our Maisy just wasn't herself. Overnight, she went from hyper, happy, white, playful, bark-at-pedestrians sweetness...to...lethargic, drooling, not eating, dull-colored (in fact, yellow), despondant, quiet nothingness. We tried not to panic. We tried the normal stuff. On day three of same symptoms, we took her to the vet. We're thinking a bad virus, bug bite, snake bite...oh, no. Not something normal for our dog. She has Canine Autoimmune Hemolytic Anemia. This is a disorder that only 10% of dogs get. Of course. Her red blood cell count went from the normal range of 35-50 to 18. Then 15 the next day. We knew it was over. So few dogs survive from this. But the next day, the count went back up to 18. Wha..? So, now I'm force-feeding chicken broth to her through a dropper and Mark's sleeping on a pallet in the floor beside her at night and we're just countingher breaths.

Here's the good part. I haven't thought of myself once during the past few days. Service, even to a DOG, will get your head back in the game. It never fails. Thank you, God, for Canine Autoimmune Hemolytic Anemia. It reminded me there are things bigger than me. My dog is fighting for her life and she may pull through. I am fighting daily against the evil one and I already know I'll pull through.

Anger Rising...

Well, as expected, this new No Yelling Policy was put to the test immediately. Boy, did I wanna explode last night!

Oh, but first, let's rewind. A few weeks ago, I said the next leg of this journey is about understanding the reasons behind decisions I've made. You know...the if-I-could-go-back-I'd-do-it-all-differently decisions. Well, don't think I've derailed. Anger is the beginning. I remember making decisions based solely on the feeling of rage. This is where we begin and if I don't get it together, we may not move forward!

Last night, Mark and I went to one of the kids' Open Houses for school. It didn't take long for my insecurities to kick in...just stepping onto a school campus triggers them. I saw all the perfect moms. Tan, blonde, buffed, shined, styled and smiling. Children walking obediently beside them with matching hairbows and clean, pressed clothing. Having had therapy yesterday, I was wiped out. I was wearing my oh-so-baggy pants, had not a stitch of make-up on (and let's remember that I bawled my eyes out earlier), and only washed hair...not moussed, dried, and styled hair. No jewelry. Nothing really matched. My toenail polish was chipping. I hated every woman in the building. Anger rising.

I spent the entire Principal-Speech-Orientation-Bla-Bla-Bla calming myself. Good grief. These women deserve come credit. If they can run a household and still show up looking like diamonds, then way to freakin' go. I mean, way to go. Yes. Good. Very good for them. I could look good. If I wanted to. I mean, if I wanted to and had the energy and money and....Okay, let's move on already.

We got to the designated classroom, found our child's name and little desk. I started brightening immediately. The bookshelves, the calendar, the wall-art, the fun activities...Oh, I know this will be a good year! The teacher seems nice. What's this? I spy a name at one of the desks...a classmate from last year that is a best friend! Oh, how wonderful! I begin looking at other names. Oh, for the love of all that is right. There it is. The name of the Nemesis. And the Nemesis has a mom. The mom who always does everything perfectly. The mom who goes on all the field trips. The mom who is at the school involved in every micro-detail every time I show up and who makes me feel pittied somehow for not being as involved as she is. Anger rising.

At least the best friend is there. Until I talk to best friend's mom and find that they're actually probably going to home school this year. WHAT?!!!

Mark, take me home.

This may seem ridiculous to most of you. However, remember I have an anger problem and it takes so little to trigger it these days. Nemesis-and-Mom in my kid's class. Perfect.

I started to rant on the way to the car. I didn't yell. I did not ONCE raise my voice. I didn't hurl a stapler at anyone. I didn't curse...wait. Hmm. Well, I didn't come home and begin plotting the year to come.

I prayed. I prayed and I asked Mark to help keep me grounded. And here's something interesting. Mark brought this wisdom to the table. Why do I care? What does it matter to ME that this mommy needs to be there every minute of her child's day? Why do I care that everyone always loves her? Why do I care that she politics all year so that her child always gets all the Best-Freakin'-Person-in-the-World Awards? Why? I'm not jealous. I just have issues with that type of personality. And that's irrational. Let it go.

Deep breath.

Let her be what she is. Let what happens happen. It's not in my control. I can be the best mom I can be and that has nothing to do with the other mothering going on.

I. Will. Not. Be. Angry. Over. This. :)

(Ask me how this is going in couple of weeks!)

When a Plan DOESN'T Come Together

Just got back from therapy. I went in feeling good, came out feeling good, did battle in between. You KNOW it's a good session when you can say all that! When I began talking to M.T. (she let's me rattle), I didn't know where I'd end up. I felt like things were going pretty well. They are going well, yes, but there are still many areas needing work.

I like a plan. I like a plan so much that when things don't go according to plan, I kind-of have a little imploding moment that never bodes well for anyone within striking distance.

I have an anger problem. It wasn't a problem earlier in life. I had reason to be angry; but more than that, my anger had been honed and crafted into a very effective coping skill...my fierce anger protected me in any and every vulnerable situation. If I felt the least bit threatened (in any way...at all) or even the POTENTIAL of something as mild as a snide comment, I was armed and ready. I could cut you within an inch of your life with my words and you'd never forget it.

I like a plan. See, I'm not just talking about a nice schedule or a daily routine. Yes, those are wonderful! I'm talking about from the moment I wake up to the moment I lose waking consciousness, I must be able to predict most every situation. I must anticipate even the most mundane posibilities.

Crankiness used to come into play whenever any scenario played out that I had not anticipated. Something lasting longer than scheduled. Someone planning something at the last minute. Finding no more Diet Dr. Pepper in the fridge. It doesn't take much.

But no more. I'm safe now. Somehow I must re-craft the anger into emergency-only-mode. Get angry when there's a bear in the camp...not when we just ran out of popcorn in the camp. My first level of Operation Anger Depletion is no more yelling. This will be no easy task...but it's in play as we speak. The next time something goes against the plan, I will NOT yell at whoever is in the line of fire. I will not. I will not. I will not.

Crud. I hit something on my laptop just now and it erased four long (beautifully written!!!) paragraphs!!!!! I'm not yelling. Nope. Not even a little rise in the voice. Just going with it.

In the past, if that would've happened, I would've deleted what I had left, slammed the laptop closed and been frustrated for several hours.

Not this time. I'm going to post this anyway...it's missing quite a lot of eloquently conveyed points, but so be it. It is what it is.

Not yelling.

Let's see how long this lasts.

Hey, Gorgeous

I have insecurities. Anybody else? Well, I was watching a stupid science-fiction show during which a demon was feeding on everyone's fears and insecurities. It made things so clear. I mean, when I get all paranoid about a blemmish, let's be honest, a zit on my face or my unwashed hair or my more-than-a-few-pounds change since last year, what good can I possibly do? How can I help others, encourage others, be at service to others when I'm not even THINKING of others?!

It's important for me to fight the insecurities, sometimes minute by minute. Prayer of course is the best defense. Also, loving myself. There's a concept. Who doesn't want to be loved? I do. I want to be loved...so shouldn't I learn how that works first? When I look in the mirror, I have the choice of two responses: "Gross." or, "Hey, Gorgeous." That simple. And, I won't always agree with myself but it doesn't matter because that part of the brain that hears everything and believes it will hear and believe!

The next step is to step outside of myself for five seconds. Wow. So un-American!! Thinking, "What should I wear today? I wonder if this makes me look fat. Is that spot on my nose noticeable? I wonder if anybody thought what I said last night was stupid. I know that woman was judging me. That girl looked at my outfit in a weird way." This will gain us NO PRODUCTIVITY!!!! It's like a huge road block! Try this. Think, "What do I need to get done today....houswework...so, I'd better dress cool and comfortable. I need to call and check on Suzie and be sure she's feeling okay. And I wonder if that chicken completely thawed...I should make an extra casserole to be ready for any craziness. I hope I can write that encouragement card and get it out to the mailbox before the mailman comes. Oh, and didn't the boys want me to wash their red shirts? I'd better get moving!" Do you SEE the productivity in this scenario? Did any of that have anything to do with holy-cow-look-at-my-hair?

Let's take a different look. Let's say our insecurities have beaten us down to the point that we don't even care about surface anymore. We look in the mirror and say, "What are you lookin' at? It doean't matter what you wear, you're not going to get anything done today. Might as well stay in your pajamas and go sit in the living room until something forces you up." People, I've been here. I can show you the rearend-print on my living room chair. It's hard to climb out of this one. It's literally a step by step process to productivity. But here's where the 20-minute-strategy comes into play. Get out of bed.

Get something yummy...I drink an energy drink called Spark, you might grab some coffee, I know those who drink a soda...whatever it is, get it! While you're drinking this wake-up beverage, go through your day in your mind. "I don't have any appointments today. I should probably do a load of laundry." STOP THERE! You have your to-do list! So, when the beverage is gone-gone, get up and walk to your bedroom. If you feel like taking a shower, go for it. If not, don't...and don't feel bad about it. Look at the clock. Work for 20 minutes. Laundry...then, because you will probably have time leftover, just move to a room and straighten. As soon as the 20 minutes is up, stop! For 20 minutes, do whatever you want. And so on and so on. If you find yourself overwhelmed and don't know where to start, use your first working 20 minutes to make a list. But remember...you're the boss of the list, it is NOT the boss of you!

Insecurities. They rise at such inopportune moments. Have any of the following ever happened to you?

Talking to someone you think is smart and you say something so stupid.
Trying to look sexy for your husband (wife, boyfriend, whatever) and you fart.
Telling your kids to be careful and you turn around and knock something over.
Spend the day cleaning and doing laundry and feeling so productive and then your husband asks for the ONE thing that you DIDN'T wash.
Go to visit the in-laws and find you've forgotten to pack your children's socks and underwear (or coat in the dead of winter).
Set up professional family pictures and your hair won't cooperate.
Sit in the front row at church and your kid is the one who won't stop yelling.
Be visiting with someone when your child comes up and asks, "Mama, remember when you pooped in your panties that one time?"

These things will happen. And they will happen again. Stopping these things from happening is NOT the goal. Deciding right now how you will respond is where you gain the upper hand. Sticking your foot in your mouth is going to happen...so what will you do? How will you handle it that doesn't scream, "I'M A NUT JOB!!!" You WILL get up to the check-out with 20 people in line behind you and find you don't have your wallet. How will you handle it without crumpling to the floor or sitting in your car crying?

I'm rambling. I realize this. This post is for me and me alone. I've blogged for 20 minutes...time for me to get up and take a shower. It's on my list.

Narcissistic Tendencies

I like to pretend sometimes that I have control. Even of little things. I plan my day, knowing some things won't pan out, knowing I must remain flexable, but still thinking that at least SOMETHING I've decided on will come to be...and that if it does, I can pat myself on the back for being so organized.

I also like to pretend it's up to me whether or not people like me. I mean, to be sure, I must do my part (as far as it is up to me...). However, I take even that which is not up to me on my shoulders, which sets me up for the feeling of stress, worry, and ultimately either failure or misplaced pride. Let's go deeper here. I just really like to be liked! But only by people who used to like me but then stopped liking me for some reason. I don't resort to stalking...but just short of that. You surely know what I'm talking about...like a break-up. Say I break up with you but then hate that you don't like me anymore! What's your problem? And my kids! I don't let them watch certain t.v. shows or eat certain foods or say certain words but does that mean they get to resent me? *phh* These are in jest, of course, but there is one situation I struggle with. For real.

I wronged her. Kind of. There was something she wanted and I ended up getting it. It never would've been hers anyway, whether I got it or not...and I talked to her about it before hand. But after this thing came in to my possession, she completely stopped talking to me...except to say, "You've never known how to be a good friend. And not only are we not friends anymore, but I will never forgive you."

Now, before we get all "How dare she?!" let's be perfectly clear. I was a jerk in her eyes. I could've handled things much more gently. I took for granted the fact that she could never possess this thing, no matter what, and so it simply made sense to me that, since it WAS possible for me to have, I should go for it! I didn't go after it because she wanted it. In fact, I'd spent the last year helping her do whatever it took to attain it. I did everything in my power to see that she would get this thing... and one day, it was made clear to me that she could never have it. Ever. I still didn't know I was remotely interested in having it. But after a little while, just as you cannot choose certain aspects of your life, I became aware that this thing was mine already...without me ever realizing it.

Oh, we all know what I'm talking about here and most of you know who and where and why and bla bla bla...but let's pretend I'm being subtle. I truly want to vent this and I just as truly DON'T want to hurt anyone in the process.

It's been over eight years now. I have gone to her; written to her; called her; emailed her; prayed and prayed and prayed. I sought wise counsel and was advised to let it be. But....how? How can I just let it be? I have this need for her to acknowledge, as things turned out, she didn't really want this thing to begin with! I want validation. I want her to apologize for cutting me off and calling me a bad friend and not even listening to anything I had to say. I'm selfish in this agenda. I know it. It would seem I just want to feel better.

What about her, you ask. What about her feelings? She felt betrayed. I get that. I even apologized to her, multiple times. After the situation became clear, I must assume to both of us, that this thing we thought we had a choice in was never in our control. This thing was the decision maker and had chosen to come into my possession without any action on any of our parts. I didn't steal this thing. I didn't compete for this thing. But I still understand her feeling like I betrayed her.

And it's been almost a decade. Why do I still feel a gnawing inside of me at the knowledge that she still hates me? Am I that narcissistic? Help me out. It so happens, as most of you know, that every couple of years I dredge this up and begin pining away for closure. What I need to do is let it go. Again.

I know.

Therapy...Hide and Seek

We all have what's jokingly called guilty pleasures. Those things we like that may be considered a tad bit embarrassing. For example, I like to read books and watch movies about vampires. In fact, I'm currently watching the entire series of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." I'm currently reading one of the Twisted Fairy Tales called "Sleeping Beauty, Vampire Slayer." You know those French Fried Onions you put on top of casseroles? I can sit and eat an entire bag as if they were potato chips. I like Eminem. I enjoy "My Little Pony." Sometimes I dance to New Kids on the Block, Bel Biv Devoe, En Vogue, and MC Hammer. See what I'm talking about? What leads us to these preferences? Our likes and dislikes are formed throughout our lives according to experiences, personality, and upbringing. The same is true of the decisions we make. I have made some pretty poor decisions in my life. In fact, there are chunks of my life that I wish had never happened. I still struggle with self-forgiveness and mortification at the memories. Yesterday in therapy, M.T. and I discussed the process that leads us to our desires. I take full responsibility for the decisions I made. I made them with eyes wide open. But what has bothered me more than anything is the desire to begin with. What kind of person, raised in God, knowledgable of consequences, even gets herself into the situation where she must make these decisions? I was seeking. Do any of you know what I'm talking about? I was as lacking something (and didn't know it) and therefore desperate to find it. Looking back, was there anything you wanted badly enough to enter in to wretched mistakes in order to find? Acceptance, love, popularity, authority, adrenaline rush, beauty, safety, pleasure, approval... I'm sure, being human, you can relate, even on the smallest scale. Well, come with me and we'll discover the motivation behind the desire to gain this elusive thing and why we looked for it where did. And why it was so seldom found where We looked. This is the next leg of my journey in therapy. It is heavy, intimate, sensitive, and raw. I will be sharing things you may not want to know about me. But if even one of you can gain peace from my shared truths, it's worth stripping bare my inner-most yuckiness; after all, God knows every detail. Therefore, what use is hiding? I do find encouragement from your feedback and stories from your own lives. What I took away that I want to share is that there is no condemnation; there is only understanding, healing, and peace.