Therapy...Hide and Seek

We all have what's jokingly called guilty pleasures. Those things we like that may be considered a tad bit embarrassing. For example, I like to read books and watch movies about vampires. In fact, I'm currently watching the entire series of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." I'm currently reading one of the Twisted Fairy Tales called "Sleeping Beauty, Vampire Slayer." You know those French Fried Onions you put on top of casseroles? I can sit and eat an entire bag as if they were potato chips. I like Eminem. I enjoy "My Little Pony." Sometimes I dance to New Kids on the Block, Bel Biv Devoe, En Vogue, and MC Hammer. See what I'm talking about? What leads us to these preferences? Our likes and dislikes are formed throughout our lives according to experiences, personality, and upbringing. The same is true of the decisions we make. I have made some pretty poor decisions in my life. In fact, there are chunks of my life that I wish had never happened. I still struggle with self-forgiveness and mortification at the memories. Yesterday in therapy, M.T. and I discussed the process that leads us to our desires. I take full responsibility for the decisions I made. I made them with eyes wide open. But what has bothered me more than anything is the desire to begin with. What kind of person, raised in God, knowledgable of consequences, even gets herself into the situation where she must make these decisions? I was seeking. Do any of you know what I'm talking about? I was as lacking something (and didn't know it) and therefore desperate to find it. Looking back, was there anything you wanted badly enough to enter in to wretched mistakes in order to find? Acceptance, love, popularity, authority, adrenaline rush, beauty, safety, pleasure, approval... I'm sure, being human, you can relate, even on the smallest scale. Well, come with me and we'll discover the motivation behind the desire to gain this elusive thing and why we looked for it where did. And why it was so seldom found where We looked. This is the next leg of my journey in therapy. It is heavy, intimate, sensitive, and raw. I will be sharing things you may not want to know about me. But if even one of you can gain peace from my shared truths, it's worth stripping bare my inner-most yuckiness; after all, God knows every detail. Therefore, what use is hiding? I do find encouragement from your feedback and stories from your own lives. What I took away that I want to share is that there is no condemnation; there is only understanding, healing, and peace.

Back to Therapy...Family Reunion

This summer has been so busy and it's been hard to find a time for my therapy sessions. I do make therapy a priority, but when I'm out of town most of the time, therapy is just not possible. The kids and I have tagged along with Mark as he's gone to talk to prospective students in different states. I usually have a few days between trips to do laundry, detox from junk food, and repack before heading on the road again. However, this time I actually had a week at home! I contacted M.T. and we made an appointment! Yesterday was the perfect day for a session. Quick recap. Remember what brought me to therapy to begin with? I was abused by a relative when I was a child; I thought I'd dealt with it; I grew up with this family member around here and there; I forgave him, moved on with my life, made terrible decisions, grew up, got married, had kids; then an article written in the local magazine triggered memories I was unaware I'd blocked. The past came crashing down on me like the perverbial anvil and life as I knew it stopped. Thus.....therapy. For the first time in 38 years, I made the decision to not attend our family reunion. This relative also attends the reunion and every year, I'd spent a weekend with him, watching him hug, laugh, visit and play. I truly had forgiven him, but I resented him. I had/have a hard time with the way things played out. So, like I said, with the encouragement and support of my husband and close friends, who were watching me fall apart, I decided not to take part in that weekend any longer. This is the weekend. Relatives from all over the country are now, this very minute, gathering in a campground...reuniting, catching up, sharing stories, laughing, snapping pictures, playing games... I'm the youngest of 42 first cousins. You can imagine how large this gathering is. We are a close family and value this weekend very highly. And I'm not there. I have anticipated and dreaded this special weekend every year of my life and I'm a tad angry about that. I don't like that the weekend created for the joy and strengthening of our family's bond has been so tainted for me. Anyway, that's why yesterday was perfect timing for a therapy session. What did I take away from therapy that I want to share with you? It's okay. It's okay to feel this resentment. I'm taking steps toward peace. I'm validated. M.T. believes in me. I no longer have the terror inside of me that somehow this darkness will remain inside me forever. And I am free this weekend. I had to sacrifice seeing dear and loved ones, new babies, old friends, and a lifelong tradition in order to gain this freedom and that is the hard part. The easy part? I am NOT spending this weekend watching my kids like a hawk for their safety. I am NOT spending this weekend with my skin crawling from unwelcome hugs. I am NOT spending this seeking being witness to children running and playing around this certain relative. Instead, I am spending the weekend safe, secure and in the sanctuary of my God, my husband, and my children. For those of you who've suffered hurt and injury from a relative, free yourself. Do not put yourself in their presence any longer. You can do it! Even when other family members give you dirty looks and have nasty reactions (been there!), you can do it!

Therapist in the Making

I finally know what I wanna be when I grow up! A helper. Mediator. Guide. Teacher. I want to be a professional, clinical therapist. Doesn't that sound exciting? It fits me. I'm all about being in other people's business. I spoke yesterday with Dr. Beth Wilson in Harding's Family Consumer Science Department. With her guidance and encouragement, I was able to map out a tentative plan towards a Bachelor's degree in Family Life Education. This degree will allow me to work as any number of a variety of positions, such as Case Worker, University Teacher, Director of Parent Services, Family Advocate, Family Specialist, Life Skills Specialist and Youth Counselor, while I continue on to get my Master's. Fun!! Starting in August, I'll hopefully be taking FCS 100, FCS 205, and FCS 322. Now, for the flip side of the coin. Me as the client. My own therapy sessions continue to help me and grow me into the person I've always been. That sounds weird, I know. Different people categorize healing in different manners. Let's see. If I was a free spirit/modern day hippie, I'd say, "I'm finding myself." An accountant, "I'm getting all my ducks in a row." A teacher, "I'm realizing my potential." A carpenter, "I'm strengthening my foundation." A doctor, "I'm self-medicatng the emotional wounds with a healthy regimen of therapeutic instruction." A teenager, "Dude. Right?" A politician, "In the interest of my voters, I'm applying character-building techniques with dedication and a hope for a better tomorrow." A housewife, "I should probably be doing a load of laundry and I realize dinner will be late, but if I don't get a handle on things, I'm gonna hurt somebody." A man, "Therapy? Nope. Just mandatory assessment." A woman, "I'm allowing my inner-self to recieve the attention I deserve and am sure the results are being noticed by everyone!" A comedienne, "Therapy, schmerapy. I just like the coffee and donuts they serve in there!" A kid, "I'm getting help. When I need help I ask for it. Don't you?" So you see, I'm healing. I'm healing and literally feeling more whole everyday. I am so proud of all of you who are also healing. Stay tuned for more about this healing process...next week we're going to touch on the topic of family dynamic!

The Right Now

Sometimes we get caught up in life. We set rules, goals, plans, boundaries. We record events, keep scrapbooks, take pictures, write journals. We fill our calendars, day planners, vacation time, weekends. All this can be wonderful; and certainly the intentions are admirable. There are moments however when our efforts turn around and stung us. We stress about broken rules, missed goals, cancelled plans, ignored boundaries. We lament forgotten video cameras, unfinished scrapbooks, dead camera batteries, weeks-behind journal entries. We begin to dread our calendar and the day's events and feel tired with our to-do lists. While on vacation, we think ahead to all that will have to be done when we get home. The lives we create for ourselves have every tendency to strangle the life right out of us. There's a Creator who's got it all under control. We need to enjoy the right now! It's hard but fantastic!

The Nutshell

I haven't stopped blogging...just took a break. To catch you up, we'll go over the past few weeks. Ready? Buckle up... Wonder if I have what it takes to go back to school and actually pursue what I intended to when I started college back in '94. Is Maggie really old enough to go to camp...for a whole week...in another state?? Who's that at the door...neighbor guy holding 9-mo-old grandbaby. Can I babysit? Of course. Bye, PaPa. Cute thing. Crying. Crying. Crying. Are you kidding me? Ah. Asleep. Whoops!!! Okay, I won't put you down! Five hours later...bye, baby. What? Will I babysit all week? Sure. Sweet baby. Where's Mama? In jail. Ah. Keep baby until you can bail her out? Yep. Doing very little in the way of preparing for Maggie to go to camp...and both boys to stay with grandparents. Not overwhelmed not overwhelmed not overwhelmed. Sort laundry with baby on hip...been awhile since I've done that. Can I handle all three of my kids being in a whole other state for a week? Can they handle it? Am I purposely obsessing over this to keep myself from thinking about going back to school? Back to school. That used to mean new clothes and shoes, new pencils, fresh notebooks, highlighters... Now it's iPads, MacBooks, and homework online! Am I too old for this? Bye, baby. Tired. Leaving for Iowa tomorrow and have done nothing but hold baby all week. Baby whose mama is still a baby herself and doesn't know yet if she wants to be a mama at all. Baby whose grandpa said he wished they could just give baby to me. Holding baby wasn't a waste of time. Driving to Iowa. 9 hours. Losing voice from reading outloud to family. My favorite thing to do. Taking Maggie to camp. Making her top bunk. Trying to make it comfy and big-girl and don't cry don't cry don't cry. Seeing a group of girls go by and remembering how mean and nasty girls can be. Feeling punched in the stomach. Smile. Bye, Maggie. Waiting until safely out of her sight to bawl my eyes out. Leaving boys with grandparents. Hugs. Kisses. Driving away. Bawling again. Talk to boys on the phone that night...stinkers aren't missing us at all! Home. Quiet home. Just Mark and me. Feeling sick. Make cookies and write notes to put in a carepackage for Maggie. Feeling sicker. Wondering if I'm who I thought I'd be at 38. In bed all next day feeling awful. Today. Everything is bright. Got text from friend who's camp nurse saying Maggie already has a best friend and is doing great. I feel great. Walk a mile. Sit down and have a firm talk with myself. I can do this. I will start school in the Fall and complete my journey toward becoming a therapist. Things are as they should be. I am blessed. I am healthy. I am getting up after submitting this blog and I will clean my house! What have you firmly talked to yourself about lately?

Therapy (8 and 9)

Sorry, All! I missed last week's therapy update! It actually goes with this week's so smooshing them together is easy. Last week we discussed my anxiety about attending the first ever Dale Ross Reunion. Y'all know that I was abused by a family member. Well, that person sometimes comes to the BIG family reunion; the reunion that started in 1960 and includes all descendants of my grandparents on my dad's side. Until this year, I'd never missed one. They're fun...swimming, badminton, volleyball, horseshoes, food, an auction, other creative fun stuff like a talent show, scavenger hunt, spoof beauty contests, and so much more. You can take nature walks, ride your bikes, and then enjoy the children's carnival. On Sunday morning we worship together outside. Beautiful! With ten original offspring, and 42 first cousins (all branching out into their own family units) it is always a larger-than-life experience. Who would want to miss that?! I love the activities and the visits with family. New babies, fun stories, important traditions, shared memories. It's always been a highlight of my summer. It's also always been the biggest nightmare. The abuser sometimes attends. Over the years, I've suppressed so much fear, anger, and grief...so many traumatic memories, impulses, and terrors. I developed defenses, coping mechanisms, and a determined numbness. This year, as you know, the internal dam broke and all, ALL, of the junk exploded inside me and, as M.T. said, began to ooze out. It oozed all over Mark and the kids, my health, my church life, my everything. It had to be dealt with. With all of the memories traumatizing me all oVver again, there's no way I could go to the big reunion. Face him? Face some of those who were so hurtful during the abuse at the time? Not on your life. So, my immediate family circled the wagons and came up with a plan that blew my mind. A reunion just for us! It was the perfect idea! We had actually been talking about wanting to do this for years. Now was the perfect time. So, this past weekend, I spent time in a campground in Texas hugging on new babies, sweet nieces and nephews, brothers and sisters, my precious mama and step-dad. There was no anxiety. I didn't have to strategically position myself so as not to be groped or "tickled" or "shoulder-massaged." I didn't have to watch my kids like a hawk. I was free! On Sunday morning, as I sat in that campground worshipping God with those I love most in the world, I was overcome with their love for me. They had conjured up a place of peace. They supported me with honest understanding. When they said they'd be there for me it wasn't just lip service. They were THERE!! Yesterday's therapy was all about the weekend in review. I am so blessed!! If you are reading this and thinking you could never have this kind of support, contact me. www.onceuponahousewife@gmail.com You don't have to have a weekend with family. And you don't have to do this alone! You are loved!!

Proud of My Daughter

I want to share with all of you this list my nine-year-old daughter Maggie made. Mark and I have been asking the kids if there's anything they'd like to learn or work on this summer. Phoenix, our six-year-old, said he'd like to learn more Spanish. Luke, our five-year-old, wants to learn to tie his shoes. Maggie had a whole list of things; and here it is. How to do laundry. How to iron. How to research and write book reports. How to write beautifully in cursive. How to cook more intricate meals. How to swim better; and more importantly how to dive head-first. Voice lessons. More piano lessons. Learn to properly babysit. Have a bank account. Learn to save money, even in hard, tempting times. Work on, check, and fix all mistakes in my book. (She's writing a book) Learn how to hold back my temper even when the boys are getting on my nerves. Practice handwriting since mine is so horrible. Work on my cursive!!! These are things I'd like review just before school starts. Cooking States and capitals Multiplication and division Spanish And my cursive!!! Y'all, my list for the summer doesn't hold a candle to Maggie's. I learn so much from her!