No Church for Me

Today is Sunday. Most of you will be attending church somewhere and praising our God. I hope so. He is to be praised. He is awesome. I haven't been to church in a month. Or more. God is still God and I'm still His servant. But I haven't been able to attend a church service because there are people there. How many of you are at this point or have already been through this moment in your recovery? I'm talking about any recovery. Grief, pain, loss, illness, trauma. There's a moment for some of us where we just can't be around a lot of people. This bothered me a lot at first. Those of you who know me know I'm a people-person. I love a crowd. But, the crowd lately seemed too much for me. This was shocking to my system. I literally felt foreign in my own mind. I freaked out. I asked Mark why he thought I was petrified all of a sudden of leaving the house. He didn't know, of course, but he had great advice (of course). "Kim," he said. "Don't fight it. Whatever this is, it must be part of your healing. Just listen to it and allow yourself to be who you need to be right now." My good friend Ann told me, "Kim, you're not being unreligious. You're healing. It's okay." Well, this was wise and so of course I didn't listen. I fought it and got angry with myself and forced it and fought it some more. Then I looked for reasonable excuses. If I don't have the energy to cope with my own pain right now, how could I possibly hope to help anyone else? How can I smile and sing and hug and visit? Well, if you're blessed enough to attend a congregation like West Side Church of Christ, you know that you never have to do any of those things. Love is unconditional and you're accepted no matter what. So...what's my problem? Why can't I want this anymore? Why can't I go out? WHY? WHY? WHY? It's healing. It's simply a part of the healing process. I needed to finally give myself permission to wave goodbye to my husband and kids as they drove away to church and allow myself the silence I craved. I needed to listen to the wounded person inside of crying out for attention. I needed to slow down and relax. Mark and my friend Ann knew this and were patient with me until I gave in. Thank you! If you're struggling with something and you don't understand why you don't want to go to church or be around people...just relax. It's part of it. And it doesn't last. The quicker you allow yourself to embrace the silence and solitude, the quicker you'll be back in the church building. Singing. Visiting. Smiling. For real. Instead of fighting it, ignoring it, trying to excuse it, or pretending this is the new you...Just sit down and be quiet and let the pain wash over you. Let numbness wash over you. Let whatever wants out wash over you. You can do it. And you'll be so glad you did. I'm here. Keep talking to me. Those of you who've been in contact with me so far, good for you! Way to be brave! Give yourself permission to be quiet and still for as long as you need. You are loved!