Therapy...Hide and Seek

We all have what's jokingly called guilty pleasures. Those things we like that may be considered a tad bit embarrassing. For example, I like to read books and watch movies about vampires. In fact, I'm currently watching the entire series of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." I'm currently reading one of the Twisted Fairy Tales called "Sleeping Beauty, Vampire Slayer." You know those French Fried Onions you put on top of casseroles? I can sit and eat an entire bag as if they were potato chips. I like Eminem. I enjoy "My Little Pony." Sometimes I dance to New Kids on the Block, Bel Biv Devoe, En Vogue, and MC Hammer. See what I'm talking about? What leads us to these preferences? Our likes and dislikes are formed throughout our lives according to experiences, personality, and upbringing. The same is true of the decisions we make. I have made some pretty poor decisions in my life. In fact, there are chunks of my life that I wish had never happened. I still struggle with self-forgiveness and mortification at the memories. Yesterday in therapy, M.T. and I discussed the process that leads us to our desires. I take full responsibility for the decisions I made. I made them with eyes wide open. But what has bothered me more than anything is the desire to begin with. What kind of person, raised in God, knowledgable of consequences, even gets herself into the situation where she must make these decisions? I was seeking. Do any of you know what I'm talking about? I was as lacking something (and didn't know it) and therefore desperate to find it. Looking back, was there anything you wanted badly enough to enter in to wretched mistakes in order to find? Acceptance, love, popularity, authority, adrenaline rush, beauty, safety, pleasure, approval... I'm sure, being human, you can relate, even on the smallest scale. Well, come with me and we'll discover the motivation behind the desire to gain this elusive thing and why we looked for it where did. And why it was so seldom found where We looked. This is the next leg of my journey in therapy. It is heavy, intimate, sensitive, and raw. I will be sharing things you may not want to know about me. But if even one of you can gain peace from my shared truths, it's worth stripping bare my inner-most yuckiness; after all, God knows every detail. Therefore, what use is hiding? I do find encouragement from your feedback and stories from your own lives. What I took away that I want to share is that there is no condemnation; there is only understanding, healing, and peace.