The Nutshell

I haven't stopped blogging...just took a break. To catch you up, we'll go over the past few weeks. Ready? Buckle up... Wonder if I have what it takes to go back to school and actually pursue what I intended to when I started college back in '94. Is Maggie really old enough to go to camp...for a whole week...in another state?? Who's that at the door...neighbor guy holding 9-mo-old grandbaby. Can I babysit? Of course. Bye, PaPa. Cute thing. Crying. Crying. Crying. Are you kidding me? Ah. Asleep. Whoops!!! Okay, I won't put you down! Five hours later...bye, baby. What? Will I babysit all week? Sure. Sweet baby. Where's Mama? In jail. Ah. Keep baby until you can bail her out? Yep. Doing very little in the way of preparing for Maggie to go to camp...and both boys to stay with grandparents. Not overwhelmed not overwhelmed not overwhelmed. Sort laundry with baby on hip...been awhile since I've done that. Can I handle all three of my kids being in a whole other state for a week? Can they handle it? Am I purposely obsessing over this to keep myself from thinking about going back to school? Back to school. That used to mean new clothes and shoes, new pencils, fresh notebooks, highlighters... Now it's iPads, MacBooks, and homework online! Am I too old for this? Bye, baby. Tired. Leaving for Iowa tomorrow and have done nothing but hold baby all week. Baby whose mama is still a baby herself and doesn't know yet if she wants to be a mama at all. Baby whose grandpa said he wished they could just give baby to me. Holding baby wasn't a waste of time. Driving to Iowa. 9 hours. Losing voice from reading outloud to family. My favorite thing to do. Taking Maggie to camp. Making her top bunk. Trying to make it comfy and big-girl and don't cry don't cry don't cry. Seeing a group of girls go by and remembering how mean and nasty girls can be. Feeling punched in the stomach. Smile. Bye, Maggie. Waiting until safely out of her sight to bawl my eyes out. Leaving boys with grandparents. Hugs. Kisses. Driving away. Bawling again. Talk to boys on the phone that night...stinkers aren't missing us at all! Home. Quiet home. Just Mark and me. Feeling sick. Make cookies and write notes to put in a carepackage for Maggie. Feeling sicker. Wondering if I'm who I thought I'd be at 38. In bed all next day feeling awful. Today. Everything is bright. Got text from friend who's camp nurse saying Maggie already has a best friend and is doing great. I feel great. Walk a mile. Sit down and have a firm talk with myself. I can do this. I will start school in the Fall and complete my journey toward becoming a therapist. Things are as they should be. I am blessed. I am healthy. I am getting up after submitting this blog and I will clean my house! What have you firmly talked to yourself about lately?