Bed of Roses

I used to say I can't help how I feel. In fact, I still say that sometimes. I wonder though if it's completely true. Lately I've struggled with memories. You know the ones I mean...the ones where I remember a very bad decision I made and wish I could go back and make the right one.

My life is so wonderful now and I don't know that going back and changing my decisions would change the outcome of where I've landed or not, but it would delete the bad memory. I do this every once in awhile. I start obsessing over why I made such bad choices. Why couldn't I have been stronger, smarter, wiser, better? Was it worth it? No. Why did I think it would be?

These bad memories start bombarding my thoughts and I begin to feel myself hunkering down behind the mental fort of funk in hopes of protection against the onslaught of memory-arrows. I shouldn't have ever gone out with that guy. I should never have accepted that drink. I don't know why I became friends with that girl. Did I really think seeing that movie was a good idea? How could I have spoken to my parents that way? Was dropping out of college ever, in any way, a good plan? Did I even know the difference between fun and stupid? When did I ever believe laws were optional?

Good grief.

Like I said, I do this every once in awhile. I get into a funk and it takes prayer and encouragement to climb back out of it. So I don't want to get into it again. Isn't that what grace is for? So I don't have to wear that burden anymore? I made horrible choices and suffered the consequences and now I am clean...forgiven...pure. Because God is able to forgive so completely as to make all these things disappear from my record, I am all good now. If I'm all good, why do I still dive into that funk?

The other day, it began. I heard from an old friend...an old partner in "crime" from my dumber days. Man, we had fun together; and it was great getting in touch again. But, with the good memories came the bad. And I found myself spending the better part of an hour reliving those stupid choices in my mind and trying to reconfigure them so that I could imagine what it would've been like if I'd made good choices.

I caught myself. Rather, God hit me on the head. This will lead to unnecessary funk!! Stop. Just stop. Smile. You're not there anymore. It's done. You have more stupid mistakes to look forward to. Why obsess over the old ones?

The funk was held at bay and I immediately felt a burst of energy. No funk. Only relief that God had pulled me out of every single idiotic spot I'd gotten myself into and placed me instead in such a beautiful bed of roses.

Now, although it's still a battle, I intend to turn every potentially funk-bringing moment into a moment of gratitude. I'm sure y'all have this figured out already. I mean, I usually am the last to catch onto things. But, I just thought I'd share that I've arrived. At least for today.